More Christmas Goodies

Well I did, in fact, make the santa hat party mix and it turned out delicious!  Here's all my Santa Hats ready to go!

My version isn't as pretty as the original Santa Hat Party Mix but I'm sure it tasted just as good!

Then I decided to tackle these Peppermint Pinwheel Cookies.  After looking back at the

 photo, I realize I should have used the red layer as the outer layer.  Eventhough mine didn't quite turn out the way I wanted, I'm pretty sure people still got the point! 

Of course they didn't look like much until I added the wrappers!

I'm getting super excited about Christmas and I hope you are too!! 

MERRY CHRISTMAS!



Christmas Crafts

     In my quest to enjoy the Holiday season as much as possible, I decided to delve into some crafty projects.  I like to consider myself a pretty creative person, but I usually just see adorable things and think to myself "Oh I could do that"....and that's the end of it.   This year though, I wanted to change that.  After all, I have no kids to occupy my time right? 

     First, I spotted these adorable Santa hats and I instantly thought..."Hey, I could make those!"  Honestly though, I convinced myself that I didn't need them and put the thought out of my mind.  And then...my sister told me she needed some holiday decorations for her new shelf.  Perfect excuse!! 

Here's the finished product.  Sorry for the quality of the photo...it's from my cell phone. 

And here they are at their new home on my sister's shelf. 

Having even more time on my hands....(okay not really...but I made time....believe it or not even without kids I'm still incredibily busy)  I decided I needed a project for myself. 

I remembered I had spotted this adorable Candy Cane Tree.  I love candy canes and all that they symbolize.   Here's my version of the candy cane tree.

Next up on my list is something edible!   DH and I are heading to WV this weekend for Christmas with the in-laws and I thought this Santa Hat party mix would be the perfect housewarming gift....if it lasts through the car ride!

I've got a few more up my sleeve but I'll save those for another day!

Hope the holidays are going well for you!

I would die for that

I would die for that

    Found this on a fellow bloggers blog and I needed to post it.  Have your tissues ready because even if you haven't experienced infertility this will get to you. 

Holidays

      "When you get a good excuse, use it".  Advice I got from my one of my dementia residents today after I asked her to help me decorate a Christmas tree.  "You know I can't see darling...."she said.  Then confessed five minutes later (early stages of dementia apparently) that yes, she really can't see but she also just didn't want to help decorate the tree. 
       So here's my excuse for not blogging more frequently recently.  Blogging reminds me of being infertile.  Silly I know because I started this blog as an outlet and a diary for our fertility struggles.  Honestly....I don't feel like thinking about the one thing that I don't like about my life during this holiday season.  I want to use this time to focus on the fun things that come along with Christmastime.  The holidays suck enough as it is when you're childless and blogging takes me right back to that very first feeling of despair sprinkled with Hope when I typed out my very first blog post almost exactly one year ago.  We kicked off the Holiday season with a 4 day trip to the beach...instead of being in the hospital welcoming a baby into the world.  See we went to the beach because DH had scheduled his vacation time from mid-Nov. to Thanksgiving because if our IVF had worked, my due date would have been around Nov. 18.  Eventhough I was never pregnant I still feel jipped.  And if our chemical pregnancy would have turned out to be a real baby then I'd be planning a 2 year old's birthday party for later this month. 
      So there's enough suckiness that I meddle through on a daily basis and I don't want the blogging world to turn into a negative thing for me. 
      I'm focusing on the things I love during my favorite time of the year.  Snuggling on my couch under a blanket, watching Holiday specials on TV, drinking Hot Chocolate, looking at Christmas lights,  singing Christmas carols, feeling the cold sting my nose, smelling fireplaces, anticipating the first snowflake....
      Most importantly I want to focus on our 4 year wedding anniversary.  The best four years of my life despite the setbacks. 
      Forgive my lack of posts over the next few weeks.  I'm too busy enjoying life. 

ICLW

     Is it really time for ICLW week again?  Where did that month go?  This is going to be a hard week as I'm only in town for 3 days.  For those of you just dropping by for the first time, welcome!  I'm Katie and this is my little escape from the real world.  I started it with the intention of it being an electronic diary.  Occasionally I say something witty or deep but those posts are few and far between.  I don't strive to have tons of followers or do all the latest trendy blogging things but I do try to post atleast once a week.  Okay...about us...the short story.  DH and I have been married almost 4 years & TTC for almost 3.  We've undergone 4 failed FET's, 1 failed fresh IVF and 1 failed FET.  We've recently begun to entertain the thought of adoption or possible embryo adoption but both are over a year away as we pay off all our debt.  For more information check out my timeline on the side or my very first blog post (Dec. 2009). 
    

     I hope everyone has a safe and happy Thanksgiving week.  Remember to be grateful for all our little blessings!

New Theme song perhaps ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJRzBpFjJS8

Book Store

     DH and I decided to take in a movie tonight and being a Friday night we arrived early to get our tickets.  We had awhile before the movie started so we grabbed a bite to eat.  Still having too much time we walked over to Barnes and Noble to kill our last 15 minutes. 
     Not really having any particular book in mind, I wandered around to see if they perhaps had a book on embryo adoption. 
     And I wandered....and I wandered....and then....I did some more wandering.
     I never found any book on Infertility. 
     I found a few on adoption...they were convientently located in the Family and Childcare section, mixed in with the "We're Expecting" and baby name books.  Seriously...who organized this bookstore?
     I even looked in the medicine section with the diseases. 
   
     In this bookstore's defense...I have found books there before on infertility but they recently reorganized and aren't located in the same spot.

     Oh well...those 15 minutes sure did go by fast and I swear I walked off my dinner I did so much wandering. 
   
      I'll just have to keep on googling.


P.S.....Unstoppable was a pretty good movie.  Denzel Washington sometimes annoys me but he was pretty good in this movie...and of course Chris Pine was easy on the eyes.  It was just enough action with a few good one liners to make it a nice date movie. 

True Love

     It was my turn to supervise our monthly couples lunch on Tuesday in the Health Services side of our building.  Couples lunch is a big deal because all of our couples reside on different levels of care and unless there is a special occasion facilitated by their families, our couples get to eat together once.a.month.
     So I'm sitting at couples lunch observing our 5 couples and watching them interact.  Most of them are carrying on conversations with another couple, but one husband and wife catch my eye.  He is stroking her arm and watching her intently.  As I peer on, he grasps her hand and kisses it while whispering "I do love my sweetie, for always."  This is an undying love I'm witnessing for she has dementia. 
     This is the same couple who greeted each other with many, many short kisses.  This is the same couple I rode on an elavator with a few months ago and during the ride they shared the most passionate kiss I have ever seen.  These two still can't keep their hands off each other.  It's the type of marriage that may gross you out but it's the type of marriage I strive to have.  The type of marriage I remind myself to make time for.  These two, they have the secret to true happiness.  Always love the one you're with...with all your heart.  Always show affection.  I don't doubt the other couples and their love for each other, but they've forgotten to hold hands, forgotten how to kiss...maybe they just take each other for granted.
     In all this infertility stuff, it's easy to let myself get wrapped up in the sadness of it all.  But I am always grateful that through fate, a little luck and God's divine intervention, I was allowed to meet my soulmate.  My life was not complete until he walked into it.  As hard as it is to realize we may never see what the two of us look like in a child, the truth is I'd rather have a total childless life with him than not have him at all.  He's my true love.
     And I hope I get 64 years of marriage to him just like that couple at work.

Not a WW

     A co-worker of mine recently brought embryo adoption to my attention.  I've heard about it before but I've never thought twice about it....until now.  I've mentioned before how we've started toying with the idea of adoption and I read that for embryo adoption you pretty much have to go through the same initial process. 
     I tried approaching the subject with my husband tonight while we were eating dinner at the food court.  Classy, I know.  But he seemed to be in a talkative mood so I thought I'd go for it.  I started talking about it and he asked for a further explanation.  And then...about half way through...he told me to quit talking and eat my sandwich because he didn't want to sit at the food court all night.  Needless to say, I packed up my sandwhich and quietly walked back to the car....in silence actually.  In the car I decided to stick up for myself and told him that some men worship the ground their wives walk on...that they listen and love unconditionally...that they would bend over backwards to make their wives happy.   (side note: I do know my husband loves me and thinks I'm the greatest, but I was going for a little guilt trip with that one.)  And I wish he would have respected me enough to atleast hear me out instead of telling me to quit talking and finish eating.
    After about 5 minutes of silence he calmly told me that he doesn't like talking about any sort of adoption because he still wants there to be an "our" child.  That he feels as though adoption talk means throwing in the towel...a towel he's still desperately clinging to.  I told him how thankful I was that he shared that information with me.  That it's much more comforting to hear that he has emotions and feelings about this whole process.  I told him that he could have saved me a bunch of hurt by sharing those thoughts initially and those words conveyed his point much better than a shut up and eat your sandwhich.
    And I have to agree....I still get a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach when I bring up adoption.  It's a point I thought I'd never have to make peace with.  But the reality is I can't fathom spending so much money on another possible failed IVF cycle.  I'd rather put finances towards something that would hopefully allow us to have a child to love. 
     And that's when I got the opportunity to finish my thoughts with him about embryo adoption.  Yes it totally freaks me out to possibly have to explain to a child later in life that yes, I gave birth to them but no they're not biologically ours.  It sounds like a win-win situation.  I would have the opportunity to be pregnant...but as selfish as it is, being pregnant DOES matter to me....we would have the opportunity to start at the earliest possible point of raising our baby the way we want.  I could eat what I thought was good, see to it that the appropriate prenatal care was provided and maybe even play some classical music for a child growing inside me.  And we could experience that moment of pure joy when welcoming a child into the world.  I also bet there's less chance of a biological parent coming back into the picture.  But these are all prelimary thoughts.  I have no ideas about the cost, the process, or the reprocutions of embryo adoption.
     If you know us in our real lives, please don't think we are by any means close to coming to a decision on how to expand our family.  We still have that year left to pay off our debt and a lot can change in a year.  And for you in this wonderful world of IF...what are your experiences/thoughts on embryo adoption?  I know the ultimate decision rests on our shoulders and on our shoulders alone...but I thought in this very early stage of curiosity a little feedback wouldn't hurt.  So fellow IFers....let's hear it! 

WW

Drowning

     Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning.  Drowning in a pool of shadows, a puddle of despair.  Drowning in a world of happy, unexpected, uneventful, perfect pregnancies...and it makes me want to throw up.  Everywhere I turn I see round little basketball bellies...an ever present symbol of what I desperately want and can't have.   I've been officially lapped.  Friends have started to announce their second pregnancies.   Once was painful...twice is unbearable. 

     I am not depressed.  I still want to get out of bed.  I still appreciate the small things.  I am just tired.  Tired of pretending that I'm okay with this life...my life...our life.  Because I'm not.  This sucks.  Damnit, I did things right.  I played by the rules.  I found my soulmate.  We dated for awhile.  We waited until marriage to live together.  We bought a house.  Now where's our baby? 

     For all you readers out there thinking "No, be positive!" or "You're time will come!".  I say bite me, with all do respect of course.  Because I need a change...because I need to be a mother...because I never was a very good swimmer. 

Quick update

     Not really in the writing mood tonight.  Honestly, I'm super super drained.  Work was exhausting this week.  I usually do both crossword puzzles and the sudoku puzzle out of the paper every morning.  I was so busy this week that I never got around to Tuesday-Friday's paper.   Not only busy, but it was emotional, too.
    
      I work as a Recreation Therapist.  In my department we have a Recreation Therapy manager, another Recreation Therapist, a Music Therapist and a Recreation Aide.  Needless to say with such a small group, we are all close.  One of my co-workers husband's went in last weekend to patient first because he was a little under the weather.  They diagnosed him with pnuemonia but told him to follow up with his pcp.  On Monday, after meeting with his pcp and reviewing his chest x-rays they diagnosed him with lung cancer.  He's 49 and has never smoked a day in his life.  Yesterday our co-worker came in saying they were doing more in depth tests to see if it could possibly be Hodgkins lymphoma.  I've never cried along with a co-worker so much. 

      This morning...after throwing a huge Halloween bash she got a call from her husband who was crying.   Turns out it's just a really, really serious case of pnuemonia.  We are all soooo overjoyed.  I can't imagine going from thinking your husband has a terminal disease to learning it's just a bad infection.  How absolutely amazing. 

       I baked 72 cupcakes for our Halloween party at work today.  My residents loved it although they'll forget it by the time I get back to work on Monday. 

       Tomorrow I get to bake 72 more cupcakes for my maid of honor's daughter's first birthday/Halloween party.  I'm really excited to make those cupcakes.  I'm going to attempt to make these...



     If you see pictures you'll know I succeeded. 

     DH and I just finished carving our pumpkins.   It's finally cool and crisp outside and with football on in the background it was a perfect fall Friday night.  Check out my pumpkin. 

     Not to bad if I say so myself.  I am a Disney Lover after all!

     Happy official end to ICLW.  See ya next month!

WW

Jessie:  Otherwise known as what I will be for Halloween. 

Happy ICLW!

     I guess you could call this my first official ICLW, although I did JUST submit my blog, so it's probably too late for me to make the blog list, but oh well.  Next month I'll make sure to get on the list...I figure even if I don't get many comments, I'll still make a bunch and find some new blogs to follow. 

     On the off chance that I do get some new people stopping by, here's a brief version of our TTC story.

     DH and I married in Dec. 2006.  Our first year of marriage was spent by me starting a new job (my first adult job), buying a house and we ended it by celebrating our first anniversary in Disney World.  Although we weren't actively trying, we used no BC what-so-ever.  What a wasted year.  So Jan. 2008 rolls around and we kick the TTC into high gear.  3 months later...BFP!! Woohoo...that was sooo easy!  Then, 3 days later...AF arrives.  What a crappy way to learn about chemical pregnancies.   We call in Jan. 2009 to set up an appointment with the RE.  Because we're new patients, we have to wait 3 months.  During 3 month wait, DH sees urologist and has several SA's done.  Results??  Poor morphology, low count, poor motility.   RE thinks our issue is b/c of DH's issues, but schedules an HSG, post coidal test and blood work.  All tests come back normal.  First IUI done in June 2009, followed by one in July, Aug. and Sept.  We took a mental health/holiday break from Oct.-Dec. 2009 and mentally geared up for IVF in Jan. 2010.  First round of IVF was a BFN which came in March.  We tried a FET in July which resulted in a BFN.  And now??  Now we're 'taking another break'!? 

     Of course, if you're a fellow infertile, you know that you never really take a break.  Because it becomes engrained in your brain...to chart your cycle and try when you're ovulating and put a butt under your pillow after you've done the deed.  (hahahahahah just reread what I wrote and I'm totally leaving it...you know what I meant.)

     I see adoption in our future...but that's atleast a year down the road.  After all, we do need to pay down our debt.  But along the way...I'm looking forward to making new friends!

My new love

Meet my brand new Vitamix.  A lovely gift courtesy of my in-laws. I'm sooooo excited to try it out.  I'm hoping this will help me adapt to a more healthy lifestyle (not that I eat like crap), but I am excited to drink my veggies. 

Tidbits

    This list has been festering in my brain for quite awhile and I think it's about time I wrote it down.  While traversing through my day to day mundane life, I've noticed a few things that seem so trivial they really shouldn't matter, but at the end of the day, you add them up and realize they caused a bunch of unnecessary frustration.  I'm fairly certain that if people would take the time to pay attention to the following list our lives would go much more smoothly.  So without further ado....

THE LIST (a.k.a...I get annoyed when)

*Baggers at the grocery store bag your groceries without giving it any thought.  Part of my minor OCD self enjoys grouping things on the conveyer belt.  I usually make the following basic groups...boxes, canned goods, cold items, frozen items, veggies/fruits and breads/eggs.  I'm pretty sure it doesn't get much simpler than that.  Imagine my annoyance when I find my bread sitting on top of my frozen chicken or the bag falls apart because someone thought a plastic bag could cary 5 cartons of ice cream (not for me...for work!).  Let's have a little common sense, Mr. Bagger man (or woman).

*Cars don't pull forward in a drive-thru.  I noticed this the other day while sitting in the Starbucks drive-thru.  I know...the ultimate laziness...but seriously, you can't expect me to get out of my car when I haven't had my coffee yet!  Anywho...our Starbucks gets extremely crowded and often the drive-thru has the potential to back up onto the road.  I'm a firm believer that if you get into the drive-thru line you automatically take on a drive-thru responsibility.  And your number one responsibility?  PAYING ATTENTION and pulling forward.  Let's face it, most of us are in a lazy hurry and your inability to stay focused on the car in front of you doesn't help out.

*People get on the elevator before you get off the elavator.  I know...you would think this one would be common sense too, but I guess there's too many dense people out there.  You can't possibly think you can cram yourself onto a full elavotor without letting off a few people first.  I'll also put the inability of people to stand back and let people off into this category.  Nothing annoys me more than having someone in your face the minute the elavator doors open...well other than them trying to get on while I'm still standing there.

*I'm reading an article in a magizine and I get through the first page and then it tells me to continue to another page...50 pages away.  Is it really so hard when publishing a magazine to keep the stories together?  I understand you have to through in an ad or too...but seriously. 

***this one will never be fixed but still annoys me just the same***....The fact that commercials are ten times louder than the show you're watching.  If we're all deaf by the time we make it to a nursing home it won't be because of our iPods...it'll be because the damn commercials were too loud.


I'm sure I've got more, but that seems like enough complaining for now. 

Pardon my Soapbox

     This afternoon I was in a resident's room giving her a manicure and she happened to be watching Ellen. Ellen had TV star Ellen Pompeo on as a guest and they started talking about Ellen P.'s latest 'cause'. Ellen P. has teamed with Huggies Diapers in a program called "Every Little Bottom".  Huggies has donated over 18 million diapers around the country to struggling women.  Ellen P. stated she was shocked to learn that one in three women struggle to put clean diapers on their children. I froze. I literally felt the anger start to creep in. I don't get ANGRY very often.  But this statistic and this cause actually made me mad.  Don't get me wrong...I totally agree every baby deserves to have a clean rear end, but SERIOUSLY?  Here's a thought...I may be going out on a limb by saying this but....  IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO PUT A DIAPER ON YOUR BABY, DON'T GET PREGNANT!!!!!

     Okay, Okay....I'm a Libra and I can usually see both sides to everything....so in all fairness, I'll lend some understanding to those  mothers who maybe lost their job (or their husband's lost their job) and when they had a baby could afford diapers...but perhaps now can't.   Likewise, I'll give credit to mothers who maybe left a horrible & abusive marriage to give their child a better life long term, but short term can't afford diapers.  I understand crazy and unforseen circumstances...but I highly doubt that would lead to such an alarming statistic.  One in Three women??

      Maybe instead of handing out free diapers we should hand out condoms....Unfortunately, once a person reaches a certain age they're deemed capable of making sound decisions...and let's face it...that's not always the case.

      The "Every little bottom" campaign sounds like a great and worthy cause, but a caring and loving mother would realize that they could buy a few cloth diapers and wash them.  It may not be the most sanitary option but it definitely beats putting a dirty or worse...no diaper on a baby.  I'd prefer to see a celebrity support a  "Every little mouth" campaign that donated formula or baby food....or clothing or blankets, etc.  You know...things necessary to a child's survival.  Because, let's face it, children can still go to the bathroom, diaper or no diaper, and they do everyday in other countries. 

      And while I'm on my little soapbox....I'm still waiting for infertility to catch on as a "fashionable" disease.  You know, like breast cancer.  Heck, even football players wear pink now.  **I'm not knocking breast cancer, by any means**  But I'd like to see more awareness for other causes....Alzheimer's disease has finally started to catch on, but there are so many more worthy causes out there.  Why don't celebrities donate some money to us middle class people who can barely afford to find out why we can't have children, let alone go through the procedures to actually HAVE kids.  I get sick when I see so many celebrities visiting a 'fertility doctor' like it's some new trend just so they can have multiples.  And I know couples like Bill and Guiliana Ransic legitimately have infertility woes, but do they understand the full magnitude of infertility???  I mean, they can afford to have test after test done.  They can afford to keep trying.  They can afford the best doctors.  How would they feel knowing that their ability to have a family not only relied on their bodies but their bank account as well?  Because that's what a true couple going through infertility faces EVERYDAY.  Our future family does not rest on our determination, on our love, on our gusto or our resilience....it relies on our damn bank account...our paycheck...our career path we chose when we were young and naive and actually took a job based on what we WANTED to do. 

     So why can't celebrities like them set up a fund...a scholarship of sorts....anything to help out us regular couples to complete our families...better yet...they could go to those women who can't afford to diaper their children and convince them to give up their kids for adoption....so my husband and I can have a family...because we can afford diapers....(and formula...and clothes...and to put the kid through college). 
     

CD 1

     Well hello, CD 1.  You're a big pain in the rear you know.  You represent disappointment and hope all wrapped into one.  The disappointment for last month's failed cycle (again) and the hope for next month.  You're a monthly reminder of how things never work out the way we want.  To most people you're just a monthly annoyance.  Or maybe even a welcome joy!  (Boy those days of panic before you showed up seem so long ago!) To most people you're just a reason to have to hit up Wal-Mart for the usual supply of tampons and Midol.  To most people you're a welcome sight....(phew...don't have to worry about saying "I'm tired" for a whole week!)  To most people you're a reason to wear black pants to work all week.  In fact, I bet most people don't even think twice about you. 

     But us infertiles...  We live by you.  Our whole schedule is wrapped around your arrival.  You're our reason to schedule Doctor's appointments and our reason to have timed 'relations'.   Because of you, we have to try to forget last month and focus on the month ahead.  It's because of you that we live MONTH to MONTH.  No other one thing about this whole infertility journey defines us more than your existance.  Actually, it's really only you, CD 1, that matters.  Because now we know.  CD 2 will bring the hope.  CD 1 you're the grieving day. 

    



**Side note:  Never thought I'd write a blog entry talking to my period....my how infertility changes things.**
  

WW

     Apparently I thought yesterday was Wednesday since I posted my comic yesterday.  I wish yesterday was Wednesday...that would make tomorrow Friday.  

    Enjoy!

Awesomeness

     On this rainy, dreary Monday...life handed me a little bit of awesomeness.  I was added to The Blogroll!  What's the blogroll, you say?  Well you can find it right here...The Stirrup Queen's completely anal list of blogs that proves that she really missed her calling as a personal organizer.   Also known as "Stirrup Queen's list of blogs.  So why is this so important?    We live in a world where SUPPORT for people going through infertility is very, very limited.  There is a wonderful group called RESOLVE but it's not the same as having real people support.  If you know what I mean.  It's kind of like...you know AA is out there...and you know you can go to group meetings...but then you actually meet someone who is an alcoholic too and you just feel comforted to know a real person knows what you're going through.  Okay, Okay..bad example to compare an alcoholic to an infertile...totally different struggles.  Alcoholics can have kids ;)

      Back to the blogroll.   A few months back, during National Infertility Awareness Week, I stumbled upon Kir's Corner and once I felt safe getting to know her...I ventured further...and stumbled upon Stirrup Queens, which in the infertility world, carries the motherload of information and support.  It took me awhile to navigate through the blogging world.  And I've still barely scratched the surface.  I found the blogroll and knew my goal was to someday be listed.  By working up the courage to request to be added to the blogroll, I have finally given MY blog some credit.  Everyone has similiar stories, yet each one is slightly different and I figured maybe somewhere in the blogging world, someone would find a connection to MY story...to OUR story.  I know, because of that blogroll, that I have found blogs and girls whose stories echo mine.  And I don't feel so alone.  I'm hoping to give that gift back. 

     

26

          I started off my day by driving 5 hours home from PA.  I had a wonderful time at the Penn State game  yesterday and always love seeing my sister perform in the Blue Band.  (Hey Ally!!)

          Once I got home, I managed to catch the 2nd half of the Steelers game which Paul & I watched at my parent's house.  My family, Paul and I went to church and then Paul and I met The Flores' at Texas de Brazil.  As usual, dinner was so yummy. 

          A wisdom tooth that decided to come in a little more today and an aura before a migraine threatened to ruin my day.  But a little Anbesol and Ibuprofen cured that.

         The best part of my day were my wonderful gifts from my husband.  I got my usual Abercrombie & Fitch perfume...same stuff I've worn since high school and same birthday present I've received since we've been together...but then came the surprise.  My husband successfully pulled a fast one on me and got me the fertility necklace that I posted awhile back.  I'm so excited to wear it!

         Sorry this blogpost was short, unwitty, and uncreative...but I'm watching the Yankees and not really in the mood to think too deeply! 

        Happy birthday to me! 

Writer's block

      I've noticed lately that I've had a writer's block.  I can't seem to come up with anything witty or creative or heartfelt.  Therefore, I've neglected writing some really in depth posts. 

      Maybe that's a good thing.  Maybe that means for a change, I've just been content and happy floating through my ordinary everyday.  I tend to have a lot to say when the going gets tough, but what's so exciting about day in and day out?  I get up, I have the same exact routine in the morning, I go to work, I answer my dementia resident's same questions, maybe I'll switch lunch up and have strawberries instead of a banana, then I come home.  I play with my dogs, watch TV with my husband...unless it's a good night and then we'll hit the gym. 

     And I'm okay with that.  I've made a little peace...moved a little forward.  And experienced a little writer's block.

      We have 3 bedrooms in our home.  Our master...our guest/office...and our spare/junk room.  Naive and jaded us decided we wouldn't do anything to that room because there was no point in redecorating a room just to change it into a nursery in a few short months.  And after 3 years of living in this house, we have finally decided to do the room.  We are going to convert the spare/junk room into a beautiful guest room and convert the guest room into a office/craft room.  I'm super excited to finally give myself a place to scrapbook and my guests an actual gorgeous room. 

     I'm so happy to have another project to look forward to!  Oh...and the best part is we planned our 5 year anniversary trip.  We're going to take a Disney Cruise to the western Carribean in Dec. 2011.  It'll be amazing! 

     Now...let's cross our fingers I get back into the writing mood.

WW

Let's go Yankees!

Happy Birthday, Lil Sis!

      **Note: I started writing this post at 11:45 on Friday the 17th. **

     Today is my youngest sister's birthday.  She turned 13.  I can't believe my baby sister is officially a teenager.  She was born at 11:14 pm.  Which means this time, exactly 13 years ago I was finally being allowed back to see my mom and new baby sister.  Because I am the oldest, I was actually allowed to stay at the hospital that evening while my mom was in labor.  And because my (at the time) best friend's parents didn't care where she was or what she was doing, she got to hang out at the hospital with me.  I vividly recall jumping from one carpet square to another because we were hyped up on Surge.  Yeah Surge.  That's how old I am ;)  Plus, I was a cool new 8th grader. 

     Let me back up for a second and explain how we got to that night in the hospital  (aside from the obvious answer).

     I am the oldest of 5 girls.  (Yes, we all have the same parents who are about to celebrate their 27th Anniversary).  My parents suggested going out to Friendly's on a random night in the spring of '97.  I remember being in 7th grade at the time and finding it odd that my parents 1.) had suggested going out to eat on a school night and 2.) had invited 2 of my aunts and an uncle.  I had a sinking feeling I knew what was coming.  Dad was also being pretty secretive in our home office before we left for dinner.  When we got to dinner, my dad handed all of us a card that said "4+1=5".  (So that's why he was being so secretive in the office!).  And I knew instantly what that meant.  So...naturally...I started to BAWL.  I cried so hard, I actually had to excuse myself to the restroom.  My parents had a paper route (the kind where you get up at 3am and deliver papers until 7am).  On Saturday night/Sunday morning my parents both did the papers and because my sisters were too young to stay home by themselves that meant that I had to stay home every Saturday night.  Now, I wasn't totally deprived because I could still have friends sleepover...but my rationale, in that moment, did not kick in.  All I could envision was me babysitting every weekend for the rest of my life.   My aunts felt so bad for me that they actually took me out shopping later that week.  Wow, what a brat I was!  Oh and on a side note...that day they told us...I had come home from school and caught a side glimpse of my mom and actually asked her if she was pregnant.  Maybe that's why they randomly decided to tell us on a school night. 

     I was 9 days short of my 13th birthday when she was born.  Sister #2 was 9, Sister #3 was almost 7, and Sister #4 was exactly 2yrs. and 2 months old. 

     After going through Infertility and all the feelings that come along with it, I look back on that announcement day at Friendly's and realize how selfish I was.  What an incredible gift my parents were given.  The ability to procreate naturally and frequently.  My mom delivered all 5 of us naturally. 

     My family size is one of the reasons infertility has been such a hard thing to cope with for me.  I always thought since my parents had no issues I would be able to pop out babies too.  Because, CLEARLY, that's how it works. 

      Okay....I got off subject....back to my sister.  She's grown into a beautiful young woman and I am so excited to watch her grow even more!  Love you little sis!

    

WW

Resilience

RESILIENCE

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I'm pretty sure I should be handed my Superwoman status right about now....well either that or be dead.  Because seriously, I feel like I've had so much delt to me (to us) this year that just when I think I can't take anymore, I find out I can.  And I do. 

My co-worker told me she's expecting today.  (Hi Lindsay!)  And I am sooooo incredibly happy for her.  She lost her mother in law a few months ago and their baby will be due ON her mother in law's birthday.  (See God DOES work in mysterious ways).  How amazing is that?  What an incredible gift. 

But I find myself wondering this...What happens when your entire group of girlfriends is at a completely different place in their life?  Who do you talk to?  Who do you confide in?  Sure I have my amazing husband (I am soo soo soo thankful for him), but we can't seriously sit around and vent to each other?!  What a boring and monotonous conversation that would be.  No matter what stage I've been at in my life, I've always had a good girlfriend who's been at a similiar stage or atleast almost there.  So when I found that I needed to actually TALK to someone about how I felt after today's exhausting day at work, I realized I had nobody.  Because noone in my close circle of friends has been in this position and despite my happiness for my coworker a piece of me will die each time I hear another person is expecting.   So I find myself blogging.  Atleast I can get my thoughts out of my head this way. 

In the instant I started to feel pity for myself (for having noone to commiserate with), I realized how incredibliy grateful I am for that.  I wish infertility on nobody.  It's an awful thing. 

As long as we face infertility, you can guarantee this blog will keep going.  It is my escape.  With infertility you are constantly in one of the stages of grieving.  Think about it.  Say a loved one passes away.  You go through the grieving process, no matter how long it takes you.  But then, eventually, you come to a sense of closure and peace.  Now imagine, just when you're putting the pieces back together, the loved one dies all over again.  Bam. Back to square one.  NOT POSSIBLE....unless we're talking about infertility.  You're very bestest friends all get pregnant...you go through denial (it's not true til they start showing), pain (commence sobbing), anger (throw up a couple of "WHY ME's?" to God), depression (commence more sobbing and self pity), and then acceptance (I'm okay, We're okay). 

But then, on an ordinary Friday morning, your co-worker tells you she's pregnant.  Hello grieving process.....again. 

I've found it quite interesting to reread my posts.  The grieving process is so evident through all of them.  I've got the 'screw you, I've got my life under control' posts to the 'poor, poor me' posts and everything in between. 

The only common thread that I can find through all of them is my Resilience.  I will give myself credit for that.  No matter what happens, no matter when or how we become parents, I know my resilience is that only thing that will carry me there (well that an God).

WW: Anniversary Party

PRECIOUS GRANDPARENTS.

GOLD DUSTED OREO BALLS

YELLOW ROSES

FARMHOUSE & GORGEOUS DAY IN MILROY, PA

GOLD SPRINKLED MINI PEANUT BUTTER APPLES

APPLE JELLY FAVORS

YUMMY CAKE

GRANDPARENTS, PARENTS, SISTERS

WW

IRONY

Infertile Burden

     Tonight I noticed I had a new follower on my blog which is AMAZING!  I've not delved too much into the blogging world....I've been treading lightly and I know I've only got 8 followers and most of them are people I know, but to think that even one or two strangers are reading about my life actually feels incredible.  It eases a little bit of that burden.  You know, that burden you don't want to put on your friends or family.  That infertile burden? 
      I juggle that every day.  Whether I'm thinking about having a child or not.  It's walking that constant line of dumping too much fertility information on the outside world while allowing myself to talk about it enough so I stay sane.  And when I realize random people are reading about this infertility story that line widens just a little bit and makes it easier to navigate through my life. 
      Lately, I've been doing really well.  It's like that huge switch that desperately NEEDS motherhood has been flipped off.  Don't get me wrong...I still desperately WANT motherhood, but I learned long ago how to tell the difference between need and want.  The seconds will continue to snowball into months and years whether I become a mother or not.  I can't help but picturing myself at a ripe old age, laying on my death bed and cursing myself for not truly letting myself live a life.  And I grasp at that image everyday...stick it in my back pocket and pull it out when I start to feel sorry for myself.  I want a full life.  With or without children. 
      Besides, it's not our fault that we've been handed the infertility card.  Currently, we can't afford to take the next step anyway.  So I may as well go with the flow, roll with the punches...whatever bad metaphor you feel like using. 
      I can't shut myself off from the real world or the facebook world.  I need to embrace this life....MY life.  It is what it is, right?

Wordless Wednesday

Our children.

Hollie & Max

Infertility Etiquette

Infertility Etiquette: Please Read

I bawled.  It's all true. 

Fullness & The Flores'

     Tonight I am full.  My stomach is full and my soul is full.  While I usually having no problem filling up my stomach, I've found I've had a rather empty soul lately.  Sure, my family, friends, puppies, little moments...all help to fill it, but there is that one thing missing...that will probably be missing for a long time.  But on nights like tonight, my cup overfloweth. 
      We had the new Mr. and Mrs. Flores over for dinner.  Paul and I tag teamed the responsibilities.  I made the marinades and he did the grilling.  Fresh grilled asparagus, lemon rosemary grilled chicken, grilled corn on the cob and potato salad.  They enjoyed the bottle of wine John and Sarah so graciously brought over and we finished with a slice of yummy cake they brought as well. 
       John was our best man in our wedding and over dinner I realized I have known John (Flores as I call him-thanks to meeting him while he was in the police academy) almost as long as I have known Paul.  I'm pretty sure the first time I met Flores was a couple weeks after Paul and I started dating.  It was a group of the guys from the police academy and their significant others at Flores' apartment.  My memories of the evening are hazy (not because of drinking).  It was 7 years ago already.  I remember Jimmy Buffet playing on the radio, Jenkins trying to kick himself in the head, cigars being smoked and getting picked on because I was only 18.  (That's why I wasn't drinking). 
        I am so thankful for John.  For Paul's sake.  He's the ONE constant friend that Paul has had throughout our relationship.  Sure he's got a handful of friends, but not like I've got my "Full Price" girls.  When I look back on the major events of our life together, John has been in all of them.  He helped throw Paul his bachelor party, was one of Paul's best men, helped us move into our house, helped Paul lay the insulation in our attic (hey, that was a big deal!).  But he's also served as the one man Paul can trust.  Flores just got married (again) to a wonderful girl named Sarah.  Although Sarah and I have only hung out three times, I have a feeling that this is the beginning of a great long lasting friendship with her as well.  The two of them make such a wonderful pair and it's so nice to see Flores actually happy and in love.  I think the two of them were meant to be and the four of us were meant to be friends (Hey, I did go to her high school graduation in 2002 without knowing it-but that's another story). 
       Tonight after dinner, we played rock band (which literally had to be dusted off).  And I have a feeling our next date night will include some Sing Star.  But most importantly, we talked and we laughed.  We proved that having good friends in your life will take you far and will always fill your soul.

Old Soul

     In my job, it is my responsibility to live in the past.  I work mostly with Dementia residents and I have to live their reality.  For example, I had a dementia resident looking for a way out, saying her father was waiting for her.  So out of curiosity, I asked her how old she was.  Her response?  "10.  Or maybe 20".  So I delved further and asked her if she was married.  Her response?  "Don't you know Horace?"  So here's this little old lady, looking desperately for her father and giving me a potential age range of 10 years...asking me if I know her husband.  And it's my duty to find a compassionate answer to her questions...to visit her in her world.  What good would it do if I reminded her that her husband died in the spring and she can't get out because she lives here?  And this is how I spend my day.  Coming up with creative answers that soothe their souls. 
      I honestly LOVE my job...but just like any job, it's draining.  Ask a teacher, ask a policeman, ask a doctor.  Ask ANYONE!  So naturally, refreshing moments are few and far between.  One of my most favorite things at work is actually hearing a resident call me by name.  Because my dementia residents forget and my Assisted Living Residents see so many people.  But the other day, I was blessed with another refreshing moment.  I love leading a group where I gain more than I give.  Wait, that sounds selfish.  What I mean is, when the residents teach ME more than I teach THEM.   I led a reminiscing group called "Yesterdays" last year on Assisted Living and we visited the 1920s. 
      They told me about having an ice man deliver ice for their ice boxes (pre-refrigerator days) and if you forgot to put the drainage pan down, you'd wake up with a huge puddle on the floor.  They told me about the milk man delivering milk and if you were lucky, you could get a special treat of chocolate milk.  They said sometimes the milk man brought you butter and eggs.  Butter came in a one pound block and eggs were in a bag, "none of this carton stuff", unless you had your own chicken.  I had several residents tell me that they didn't have a milk man because they had a cow...and they milked it every morning.  Those residents also churned their own butter and made their own cream.  I heard about sharing your veggies with the next farm over or if you lived in the city, the veggie man also stopped by.  Mail was delivered TWICE a day.  And the coal man would come by and hook up a huge shoot that dumped coal directly down to your furnace.  If you were lucky, you had a phone, but most phones had a 'party line' and often you would hear people giggling in the background.  One resident said they got the first phone on the block and had a steady stream of neighbors stopping by to use the phone.  There was no air conditioning or heating in the cars and a resident shared that you could actually see through the floor boards in her car. 
      And I gave them a speal about how much technology has changed.  How my generation puts on their headphones to their own personal music device and goes to ONE grocery store and buys their veggies, milk, butter and eggs.  We flip a switch for heat and air in our homes and cars.  Most people my generation wouldn't know how to grow a garden if their life depended on it, let alone how to do any sort of canning for the winter months.  We not only have a car, but usually have more than one per family.  We don't have a sense of community...no milk man, no ice man, no coal man. 
      And I found that I have an OLD SOUL.  I want those things.  Sure I love my modern conveniences.  I love my TV, my car, my AC & heat, the grocery store.  But how neat would it be to see those people every day? To get a personal interaction with someone outside your family.  To see someone who would bring news of the neighbors. 
      I guess, it's the simpler life that I long for.  When hard work and manual labor paid off and laziness wasn't an option.  When you appreciated what you worked hard for.  Oh yeah...and before fertility treatments. 

Max

Meet Max.

The newest addition to our family.  I figured at this point, if we can't have kids, we may as well have two dogs.  And this precious little one just happened by chance.  I NEVER go into pet stores for this very reason.  I know the puppies are over priced and I know we really don't have the money to spend.  But I also know that happiness and love in your life are inevitably more important than how long it takes me to pay off my debt.  It's also bad because I have this ability to rationalize our debt.  My debt is out of necessity.  We didn't get into debt because we were frivilous and stupid with our money.  I don't have a closet full of pretty name brand clothes nor do I own a million pairs of shoes.  We have NOTHING to show for our debt.  Sure there's the $6700 for a new sewer line, but who shows off their sewer line?  So I figured it was about darn time that spent a little money and have something to show for it. 

Max is a pure bred, 3lb. 10oz. chihuahua and since pure breds are suppose to have really awesome names...his full name is Maximilian Problems.  (Max-amillion problems).  Because somedays, that's what life feels like it's full off.  We're hoping this little guy brings us a bunch of joy over the years. 

So welcome to the family, Max!

Blogging

     So I've had this blog festering in my brain for awhile and I think it's finally finished baking.  I tend to do alot of blogging prior to a fertility treatment and then I usually realize I don't have much to write about.  I mean the original purpose of this was to blog about our journey to parenthood...and well...once we endure another failed attempt at becoming parents, what's left to write about?  Our childless existance?  How fun is that?  But then I was catching up on some of the blogs I stalk read and everyone was posting about this awesome blogging conference called BlogHer. I came across a blog This amazing blogger had written and in it she quoted this wonderfully fantastic blogger who said she doesn't talk with her mouth, she talks with her hands...or something to that affect.  And I realized...hey, that's me. 

     And that's why I decided to keep on posting.  Even the boring, day to day stuff.  Because life is not about the destination, it's about the journey.  And blogging help defines me.  It helps me sort out my feelings.  I've always considered myself an open book, an honest person, but I get so tired of repeating my story to so many people.  I hate sounding like a broken record.  So if I can type it once, put it out there for the world to dissect, then I've done my part.  Hopefully, it will touch some person out in cyber world...maybe even provide a bit of encouragement or hope.  Maybe it'll make someone laugh or cry..whatever they're in need of.  And ultimately, this is about me, about us, about our story of growing and grieving and giving and gaining. 

     We went to church this weekend and our seminarian (young kid studying to be a priest) did the homily.  He stated "We are all seeking God, whether it's the 2 year old who experiences Bible school for the first time, the 8 year old putting up with attending religious ed, the 15 year old who can't stand to sit in the pew for one minute longer, the 18 year old anticipating going off to college, the 21 year old who's wondering what the next phase of their life will be, or the new mom or dad losing sleep at night, or the middle aged person going through a mid-life crisis, or the 55 year old who can finally get a free cup of coffee at McDonald's, or the 65 year old contemplating retirement, or the person nearing the end of their life."    And the tears welled up in my eyes.  Because in that moment, I realized that one of the HARDEST parts of this infertility journey is realizing that Paul and I are UNDEFINED.  Once you get married everyone starts instantly waiting for the babies to pop out.  Forget about traveling, or spending time as just the two of you...everyone is waiting for THE NEWS.  So how do we deal with not disappointing them....while we are the most disappointed and heart broken ourselves?   How do we go about realizing that this is OKAY? That it's okay to be without children. That it's okay that our time line hasn't matched up with God's plan. That WE'RE OKAY?  Should we get another puppy?  Should we take a big trip?  Should we pay off our bills?  Should we do something exciting to fill this void?  I do have one answer though.  I should definitely keep on blogging.  Sharing our story.  Sharing our journey. 
   
      Even if my posts only touch one person.

Full Price

     In my day to day life of dealing with infertility, I constantly have to remind myself to appreciate the small things, because without the small things life just isn't worth it.  The wind blowing through your hair, the smell of leaves burning, fireworks, catching snowflakes on your tongue...you get the point.

     But this weekend, I'm about to attend a REALLY BIG thing.  It's our second annual girls weekend.  If you know me at all, you know what a huge deal this is.  Partially because I have the rare inability to maintain long lasting friendships.  I guess the better way to put that would be I have this ability to pick really bad friends.  But these girls....they are my rock.  I'm not your typical girly girl.  I don't think mani's and pedi's are a necessity.  I could care less about the latest name brand fashions.  I've been wearing the same make up brand since middle school.  The other part to this being a big deal stems from the fact that I grew up with four younger sisters and naturally being around girls generally annoys the crap outa me. 

    It's a shocking fact to most people who meet me when they find out that I actually joined a sorority.  Not only did I join a sorority, but I joined it at the earliest chance possible.  Second semester freshman year.  I rushed for two reasons.  Reason 1: my wonderful suitemate, Courtney, wanted to rush and didn't want to move in early by herself.  Reason 2: to prove to myself that I could get into a sorority (being that I was NEVER popular in high school).  So I rushed, I pledged, and I became a Sigma Kappa.  Luckily, after a brief scare, Courtney, became a Sigma Kappa too. 

     Fast forward a few semesters of dealing with advisors, typical sorority girls, and getting a steady police officer boyfriend after just one semester as a sorority girl (goodbye party days) and I was pretty much over being in a sorority.  I'll be the first one to admit that I had to buy my friends (I'm typically a loner).  I used to joke that I wouldn't have bought half those girls if they had been in the 90% off bin.  That God had a sense of humor because somehow he managed to give me a sorority full of girls on clearance.  But these girls...my girl's weekend girls...for them I would have paid FULL PRICE...plus TAX.  That's how much I love them.

     I'm not even sure how we all came together....Courtney and I were the first two to rush...pledge sisters, roomies for the other 3 years of college.  Kristin and Jackie became pledge sisters 1st semester of our sophomore year (and I'm pretty sure they had been friends first), then came Betsey (I think the 2nd semester of soph. year) and she recruited Renee' (1st semester junior year, I think).  We all graduated together.  Renee' and Betsey have lived together, Jackie and Kristin lived together, Courtney and I lived together...Kristin joined us in a triple for our last semester senior year.  And we all became CLOSE.  Sure we're closer with some than others and sure our 'ties' have been changed around some.  There was a dark point when I joke that Courtney and I had a major break-up.  So major that I kicked her out of my maid of honor position and we didn't speak for almost a year.   In fact, out of this group of girls, Renee' was the only one who came to my wedding. 

     And now we're all at such similiar yet different stages of our lives.  Most of us are married, 2 have kids, one is pregnant, one has fertility troubles and two aren't even thinking about kids.  We have relationships with our significant others with ups and downs.  But our common thread is that ALL of us are finding that our lives have taken DRASTICALLY different paths than we thought they would.  The one thing constant (atleast since Court and I made up) is this unspoken bond that binds us all together.  I'm pretty sure it's a mystic bond. 
   
     We don't talk every day.  In fact, some of us rarely talk.  But we'll be there for the major events.  The GOOD and the BAD.  Weddings, babies, baptisms, birthdays, heartbreaks and definitely our girls weekend.  Two girls live in Northern Virginia, two in Richmond and 2 at the beach.  It's pretty neat that it worked out like that.  We call it our Phase 10 reunion weekend.  Senior year we were phase 10 junkies.  Atleast 5 of us were...Jackie was out student teaching.  And since we can kick our husband's butts they refuse to play with us.  So we figured we owed it to ourselves, our friendship, and our sick phase 10 addiction to all meet up once a year.   Last year we conquered Williamsburg and this year we're heading to Baltimore. 

    I'm so excited, I can hardly stand it.  It's like Christmas morning.  I have my throw back CD's, phase 10, and a couple of drinks packed  (b/c I married my police officer boyfriend and now I'm legal!).  I can't wait to giggle.  These girls make me laugh soooo hard.  Good, Big, Belly Laughs that my daily life forgets to let in.  I can't wait to whisper in the dark and confide in each other. 

    These girls....these are my FULL price girls.  I've only got a few other good girlfriends in my life who's friendship I really care about.   As corny as it is though...these girls...they are my steady rock...because not only are they friends but they are my SISTERS. 

Cheers to Baltimore!

Oak Tree

A mighty wind blew night and day.

It stole the oak tree's leaves away,

Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark

Until the oak was tired and stark.

But still the oak tree held its ground

While other trees fell all around.

The weary wind gave up and spoke,

"How can you still be standing, Oak?"

The oak tree said, "I know that you

Can break each branch of mine in two,

Carry every leaf away,

Shake my limbs, and make me sway.

But I have roots stretched in the earth,

Growing stronger since my birth.

You'll never touch them, for you see,

They are the deepest part of me.

Until today, I wasn't sure

Of just how much I could endure.

But now I've found, with thanks to you,

I'm stronger than I ever knew."

* A special thanks to my co-worker, Lindsay, who gave me an encouragement card, with this wonderful poem on it.