Infertile Burden

     Tonight I noticed I had a new follower on my blog which is AMAZING!  I've not delved too much into the blogging world....I've been treading lightly and I know I've only got 8 followers and most of them are people I know, but to think that even one or two strangers are reading about my life actually feels incredible.  It eases a little bit of that burden.  You know, that burden you don't want to put on your friends or family.  That infertile burden? 
      I juggle that every day.  Whether I'm thinking about having a child or not.  It's walking that constant line of dumping too much fertility information on the outside world while allowing myself to talk about it enough so I stay sane.  And when I realize random people are reading about this infertility story that line widens just a little bit and makes it easier to navigate through my life. 
      Lately, I've been doing really well.  It's like that huge switch that desperately NEEDS motherhood has been flipped off.  Don't get me wrong...I still desperately WANT motherhood, but I learned long ago how to tell the difference between need and want.  The seconds will continue to snowball into months and years whether I become a mother or not.  I can't help but picturing myself at a ripe old age, laying on my death bed and cursing myself for not truly letting myself live a life.  And I grasp at that image everyday...stick it in my back pocket and pull it out when I start to feel sorry for myself.  I want a full life.  With or without children. 
      Besides, it's not our fault that we've been handed the infertility card.  Currently, we can't afford to take the next step anyway.  So I may as well go with the flow, roll with the punches...whatever bad metaphor you feel like using. 
      I can't shut myself off from the real world or the facebook world.  I need to embrace this life....MY life.  It is what it is, right?