As the time draws closer to having the adopted embryos in our possession (in our clinic), I have been working hard at preparing my body for a possible pregnancy.
Which sounds totally ridiculous in my mind and is, quite honestly, something I have a hard time wrapping my head around.
After almost 8 years of infertility the most pervasive thought that runs through my head is 'most women don't have to do this.' That thought doesn't contain any hostility or negativity with it. It just runs through my head factually, because, well, most women don't have to do this.
Over the past couple of months, I have made some diet and exercise changes (and a few mental/lifestyle changes). These changes have kicked into high gear as a transfer date gets closer. I've compiled a list of do's and don'ts based off of recommendations from Mom #1, my acupuncturist and my doctor.
It's enough to make my head spin.
And there's a whole lot of stipulations, too.
For example, I'm supposed to be eating a high Vit. K diet (which I do by incorporating spinach, kale, & chard into a morning smoothie). But, I'm also supposed to be keeping my body temperature slightly elevated, so I should be avoiding cold foods. Which means now I have to 'warm up' my smoothie with a 'warm' spice (for ex. cumin-NO WAY...or cinnamon). Oy Vey.
Many of these changes go directly against the drastic lifestyle changes I made three years ago when I lost 40 lbs. For example, I'm supposed to stay away from dairy...specifically low-fat/no fat dairy. For years I have had a yogurt with breakfast and lunch, a glass of milk with dinner and an ice cream bar for dessert (my weak spot). Now, I'm supposed to have organic, high fat/whole milk products. I feel like I've gained ten pounds just from eating high fat, good quality dairy products!
Anyway...all these changes leave four words constantly swirling in my head.
Permission
Patience
Prayer
Praise
*******************************
Permission
My husband is training for a half marathon. Between his running and my packed cookie schedule, we haven't been to the gym together in forever. I squeeze my workouts in during lunch by using the gym at work. There is no elliptical (my fave) in our work gym and consequently, I'm on the treadmill almost five days a week (aside from perfectly gorgeous days like today where I choose to walk outside instead). When I step foot onto the treadmill, I instantly feel the desire to run.
Even on the days where I have committed to exercising lightly, I still want to run a minimum of a mile.
And that's where this whole permission idea comes into play.
I have to give myself permission to take it easy.
Based off doctor and acupuncturist suggestions, I should really be limiting the amount of cardio exercising I do. All I know is when I step onto a treadmill, my body yells go.
I have tell my brain to tell my body it's okay to stop.
It's very counter-intuitive.
But it's not just permission for an exercise routine change.
It's permission to allow myself to do things for me, for really little things and really big things.
(Which sounds so absolutely ridiculous since I have no kids and to the outside world probably seem like I have an abundance of me time already.)
It's permission to bump acupuncture up to twice a week.
Permission to slow down and have that recommended cup of tea each night (side note: I HATE tea).
Permission to let myself absorb the reality of what we're about to go through.
Permission to grieve not having our own biological children.
Patience
Currently, I'm reacting to my life much the same way I react when I step onto the treadmill.
I feel as though the outside world is moving so slowly and inside I'm frantically rushing ahead to the embryo transfer.
I usually equate this feeling to one of joy and excitement as to what our future holds,
but, some days, I know I'm just being impatient.
This is one of my most favorite times of the year and I have to remind myself that continuing to have patience will help me focus on all the things I love about this season.
Prayer
Taking the time to actively pray (and only pray) is an area in which I've always struggled. This mostly stems from the fact that I talk to God in my head A LOT. Usually when I take the time to be still, I realize I have already communicated my prayers to God at some point during the day.
But, this type of prayer, is different. It's intentional.
And it's a whole new ball game for me and my way of thinking.
It's saying a prayer for the UPS driver and all the people who will help transport our embryos across the country to us.
It's a prayer for the embryologist as he chooses which ones we should implant.
It's being cognizant of all of the facets involved in our journey to parenthood.
Of all the circumstances involved
Most importantly, of all the people involved.
And not just saying prayers to cross it off some imaginary to do list, but to really etch them into my heart.
Praise
Those three P's can only lead me to the most important P of all.
When I start feeling overwhelmed by the enormity of how every decision I (we) make could or will impact the outcome of what we're about to endure, I just have to walk myself through the first three P's. Ultimately, I end up with nothing but thanks and gratitude and praise for Him and our journey.
I bet most of you have a similar ebb and flow in your life.
Some days you feel like you have it all together and other days feel really, really messy.
Remember to give yourself permission to take a time out for you.
The rest will fall into place.
(Side note: Hopefully you'll gain a little something from this blog post, but in hindsight, I think I just wrote that down so I can reread it when I forget to follow my own rules).
