Resilience

RESILIENCE

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I'm pretty sure I should be handed my Superwoman status right about now....well either that or be dead.  Because seriously, I feel like I've had so much delt to me (to us) this year that just when I think I can't take anymore, I find out I can.  And I do. 

My co-worker told me she's expecting today.  (Hi Lindsay!)  And I am sooooo incredibly happy for her.  She lost her mother in law a few months ago and their baby will be due ON her mother in law's birthday.  (See God DOES work in mysterious ways).  How amazing is that?  What an incredible gift. 

But I find myself wondering this...What happens when your entire group of girlfriends is at a completely different place in their life?  Who do you talk to?  Who do you confide in?  Sure I have my amazing husband (I am soo soo soo thankful for him), but we can't seriously sit around and vent to each other?!  What a boring and monotonous conversation that would be.  No matter what stage I've been at in my life, I've always had a good girlfriend who's been at a similiar stage or atleast almost there.  So when I found that I needed to actually TALK to someone about how I felt after today's exhausting day at work, I realized I had nobody.  Because noone in my close circle of friends has been in this position and despite my happiness for my coworker a piece of me will die each time I hear another person is expecting.   So I find myself blogging.  Atleast I can get my thoughts out of my head this way. 

In the instant I started to feel pity for myself (for having noone to commiserate with), I realized how incredibliy grateful I am for that.  I wish infertility on nobody.  It's an awful thing. 

As long as we face infertility, you can guarantee this blog will keep going.  It is my escape.  With infertility you are constantly in one of the stages of grieving.  Think about it.  Say a loved one passes away.  You go through the grieving process, no matter how long it takes you.  But then, eventually, you come to a sense of closure and peace.  Now imagine, just when you're putting the pieces back together, the loved one dies all over again.  Bam. Back to square one.  NOT POSSIBLE....unless we're talking about infertility.  You're very bestest friends all get pregnant...you go through denial (it's not true til they start showing), pain (commence sobbing), anger (throw up a couple of "WHY ME's?" to God), depression (commence more sobbing and self pity), and then acceptance (I'm okay, We're okay). 

But then, on an ordinary Friday morning, your co-worker tells you she's pregnant.  Hello grieving process.....again. 

I've found it quite interesting to reread my posts.  The grieving process is so evident through all of them.  I've got the 'screw you, I've got my life under control' posts to the 'poor, poor me' posts and everything in between. 

The only common thread that I can find through all of them is my Resilience.  I will give myself credit for that.  No matter what happens, no matter when or how we become parents, I know my resilience is that only thing that will carry me there (well that an God).