I'm not quite sure where to begin. I suppose a 'welcome to our blog' would be appropriate. (Although I can't guarantee how much of an 'our' blog it will be!) Our goal with entering into the 'blogging' world is to share our story. Our closest family and friends know our story. Some know our story because they've asked the inevitable question "When do you want kids?", some know our story because they've known we've always wanted kids and they've started to wonder what the heck is taking so long, but most know our story because of our honesty. I'm willing to bet they all have one thing in common....unanswered questions. The main point of this blog (atleast in the early posts) is to answer those questions. Hopefully, one day the purpose will be to keep you updated on a baby! On the other hand, we can tell you the point of this blog is not to earn sympathy points and not to depress anyone. We hope to educate & share our feelings. Writing (or typing in this case) is very therapeutic and is helping us cope with infertility.
We (Paul & I), had a very important meeting today. We found out how much it will cost for us to have a baby (hopefully). Either $13,448 or $22,000. Yep...that's what we thought, too. Let's take a moment and backtrack to explain how we've gotten to this point so far. It's funny how the timeline of our life together has become defined by events while trying to conceive. So, here's our timeline.
December 2007: While in Disney World, we decide that we are officially ready for kids & ready to start trying for them!
Saturday, April 19, 2008: On a whim, I take a pregnancy test while we are staying in Danville, VA for Paul's 10 year High School Reunion. Surprise! It's positive! How easy that was! 3 months and we've succeeded!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008: I start to bleed.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008: I visit my OBGYN. Doctor confirms I had a 'chemical pregnancy'. A chemical pregnancy is what they call the very earliest of miscarriages. Once a pregnancy can be seen on ultrasound it is called a clinical pregnancy. When miscarriages occur before 5 weeks it can only be detected through hormone testing and blood work, thus the term chemical pregnancy. Did you know they existed? Neither did we.
May-December 2008: We continued to try to conceive, obviously having no success. These were the most frustrating months. We had our own unanswered questions.
November 2008: I meet with my OBGYN & express my concerns. She recommends 3 things. 1. A semen analysis for Paul 2. A Hysterosalpingogram for me 3. Finding a fertility specialist.
January & February 2009: When trying to solve infertility, men are the easiest to test first. During these two months Paul had several tests done.
March 2009: After waiting 3 months to be seen by a fertility specialist (nothing like a new patient waiting list), we finally have our first consult. We begin the problem solving step of the process and more tests are ordered including bloodwork for the both of us.
April 2009: I am ordered to buy an ovulation kit and monitor my cycle. The test strips and the bloodwork confirm ovulation.
May 2009: I undergo the Hysterosalpingogram also known as HSG. It's a rather painful test where dye is injected into the fallopian tubes and it shows up on a computer screen. I was technically admitted to Johnston-Willis for the procedure as it is considered an outpatient surgery (eventhough there was no surgery). I went to Longwood that night with my sisters and they can vouch for how much pain I was in. Talk about bloating!
June 2009: The fertility specialist figures out our particular problem and we decide to try Inter Uterine Insemination also known as IUI or Artificial Insemination. I'm not put on any hormones.
July 2009: I am put on 50 mg of clomid and we do another round of IUI.
August 2009: My dose of clomid is upped to 100 mg and we try another round of IUI.
Septemeber 2009: My dose of clomid stays at 100 mg and we try another round of IUI.
October-December 2009: We give it a break and stop monitoring ovulation or worrying about doctor visits. We mentally gear up for In-Vitro Fertilization.
2009 was even more trying than 2008 despite some of our questions being answered. We found out several of our closest friends were expecting. We are so happy and excited for those couples, but with finding out a new couple is expecting we grieve all over again. Grieving over the realization that a 'surprise' pregnancy will never occur for us. Grieving over the realization that our timeline and budget has been completely messed up. Grieving over the realization that in the most adult way...life just isn't fair. It's almost a loss of innonence in a sense. How naive we were to expect to get pregnant right away. How jaded we were to think making a baby was easy.
We've had our own thoughts and questions over the past two years. The most persistent ones include: "Why them and not us?", "Can we afford this?", "Is this what God has planned for us?", "Where is God?"....etc., etc., etc.
We've come to realize that our situation is as difficult for our family and friends as it is for us. My aunt shouldn't have to worry about me bursting into tears when she gives me a bag of hand me down baby clothes because she's just cleaned out her attic. Our friends shouldn't fear telling us their expecting because it breaks their hearts to cause us pain. We shouldn't turn hateful towards unwed, teenage mothers because every baby is a gift from God. My friends should be able to discuss what color they want to paint their nursery without be thinking 'I wish that was my only dilemma'. But hey....we learned at 5 years old that life isn't fair, right?!
I am grateful. Grateful for this infertility. Grateful because I will now appreciate morning sickness and nausea. Grateful because I won't complain when I can't tie my shoes or see my feet or shave my legs. Grateful that so many of my friends have gone through pregnancy before me and for all the advice they will have...not to mention cute maternity clothes and hand me downs! Grateful for stretch marks...okay maybe not stretch marks. Mostly I am grateful that throughout this journey of motherhood and to motherhood my friendships with my girlfriends have grown stronger. We have grown up.
We are grateful. Grateful because we have a stronger marriage because of this. Grateful that God has proven that our plans are in his hands. Grateful for extra years of peaceful nights of sleep, traveling when we want, and spoiling our puppy.
They say we always remember where we were when important events occured. I remember the day we discovered why we weren't conceiving. I remember the day I took my first fertility hormone (and those severe hot flashes!). I remember our first visit to the fertility specialist and telling myself 'we can get through this'. I remember thinking 'what the heck is an internal ultrasound' and then having my 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th. I remember the disappointment of failed pregnancy test after failed test. I remember being elated, sad, and jealous at the very same time when friend after friend told me they were pregnant. I remember all the colors used to verify I was picking up the correct sample. Dark Blue, Turqoise, Purple, and Lime Green.
I chose today to start this blog because this is the day In-Vitro Fertilization became an official reality. We have another difficult decision (we're getting used to them by now) to make. We have already spent close to $2,000 already and another $14,000 seems unbearable. Thank God for Credit Cards! We are hopeful that this is the beginning of an end of the infertility cycle and hopefully the beginning of a baby era!
Thanks for joining us on our journey and we hope this answered some questions!
