How to have Hope.

Goodness knows I don't have all the answers, but one thing I feel confident in is mastering the art of how to have Hope.

Hope used as a noun is a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen, a feeling of trust.  Hope used as a verb is wanting something to happen or be the case. 

I'm a firm believer that you won't really cling to hope until you've been tried in a way you didn't imagine or think possible.  Maybe it's a job situation, maybe it's a cruddy, crumbling marriage you didn't think could be saved, maybe it's in a diagnosis of a disease, maybe it's the everyday struggle of raising your kids in this harsh, non forgiving world.  Whatever your challenge may be…hope is learning to squelch that one voice that says "That's not the light at the end of the tunnel, it's a freakin' Train with its headlight on barreling right at me!" and instead learning to trust that little flicker of light that burns so bright it lights a fire in your soul to make a change, to be the change, making it impossible to ignore.  It's the positive voice.  

We live in a society where we're almost trained to point out the negative.  Judgment comes easily.  The news is mostly negative.  There's gossip everywhere and we learn to belittle ourselves.  Even if you don't hear or tell yourself "You're not good enough" you probably sometimes whisper "You could be better".  

Hope is 100% refusing to let anything negative get in the way of your light.

In my world, hope and faith are intimately intertwined.  So much so, that I have a hard time seeing where one ends and the other begins.  One of my absolute favorite verses is Hebrews 11:1.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen."

Several posts ago I mentioned that my hope lies in Paul and I becoming parents.  Period. End of Thought.

To me, my beta numbers were trying so hard to ride that damn train barreling straight at me and by the end of the day my sights had been set on that flicker of light and hope and faith that's burning so bright in me.  It's burning so bright, that damn train just might catch fire.

Those numbers were beckoning at my heart, trying to pull me in.  A worldly reality check.  Trying to whisper "This won't work".  

And after a brief emotional melt down (mostly out of sheer frustration), my Hope kicked in.

No storm can shake my inmost calm, while to that rock I'm clinging. Since love is Lord of Heaven and Earth, how can I keep from singing?

I use hope and faith to quiet my worry.  I can't change the outcome.  I don't need to know the outcome right now.  We'll get there when we get there and we'll get through it as it comes.  

My hope is that you realize that you are good.  That you are doing a good job.  You will make it through.  Whatever your trial or tribulation is in this moment, it too shall pass.  Sometimes having hope stems from the simple act of making a conscience decision to see the positive.  To refuse to let the negative take hold of your heart and mind.  

In our case, this means I've just set my sights on making it to Thursday's blood work.  And if I'm lucky enough to make it to an ultrasound at week 7, even if it is a blighted ovum..an empty gestational sac…well then that's one step farther than I've ever made it before.  Even if this pregnancy ends up in a miscarriage…I will choose to focus on the fact that a positive pregnancy test has proven that at least my body knows what to do with an embryo.  

Hope is all around. I pray that you'll find yours in whatever way you need to. Cling to it tightly and then share it with others.  

Every single one of you has certainly given me hope and strength and faith. I am so grateful for your prayers and your uplifting voice.  

"For you have been my Hope".

Psalm 75: 1

"All shall be well and all manner of things shall be well"

What's a Beta?

No, I'm not talking about a fish.

 

 

A Beta number is the measure of the amount of hGC (human chorionic gonadotropin) in your system (Or in the infertility community, just one more thing to freakin' worry about/obsess over.) Most often you'll hear it referred to as the 'pregnancy hormone' because who really wants to say human chorionic gonadotropin? It's the hormone the home pregnancy test detects in your urine.   People in the infertility world just refer to it as their 'beta'.  Most normal women don't even know it exists. Unfortunately, if you've had a miscarriage you might have had blood work ordered by your doctor to check your 'levels'.  This is what they're checking.

 

Anything over 25 is considered pregnant. Anything under 5 is negative.  Usually, the number is suppose to double every 48-72 hours. 

 

When my blood work came back last Tuesday, my beta was a 26.  One over being able to be qualified as pregnant. It went to 45 on by Thursday...so it technically didn't double...but it definitely went up and it was sooo close to that double mark.  That's when we went into our "Hooray, we're pregnant until proven otherwise!" mode.  Just to be on the safe side, the doctor ordered more blood work for today.

 

The results just came back and my beta is only at 75.  That's a huge difference. It should have been near 90 on Saturday...near 180 or so today.  At a minimum I was praying for a number over 100.

 

A number like that could strongly indicate a blighted ovum.  A blighted ovum is when a fertilized egg attaches to the uterine wall and starts to produce the pregnancy hormone and form the gestational sac, but the actual embryo fails to develop.  Many women think they're pregnant and go in for their first ultrasound to see an empty sac.  It's heartbreaking and so emotionally confusing. 

 

 A little "Surprise, your body thinks you're pregnant, but we're really just fuckin' with you!"

 

Pardon my French.

 

A blighted ovum can't be confirmed until between 6-7 weeks on an ultrasound. In the mean time, it's just one long waiting game. It's usually caused by poor egg or sperm quality or a chromosomal abnormality.  This would 100 % confirm my suspicions that Paul's DNA and my DNA just don't like each other.

 

Our options are to quit the shots & the estrogen pills cold turkey and let my body try to naturally do now what it will probably end up doing anyway.  The other option is to keep on my medication schedule and go in for more blood work on Thursday.

 

Another lovely life decision.  Throw in the towel and give up all hope or just delay the inevitable or hope against all odds?

 

But I'm not ready to quit.

I figured if my numbers are still going up then that means we still have hope.

 

I read this article about hCG levels and I actually laughed at it.  The numbers provide such a huge range and it seems there are 'buts' and 'ifs' in every sentence. The charts can be a little misleading though because my hCG levels are being calculated by probable ovulation date not last menstrual period date.  Also, frozen embryos are known to develop slower than a normally fertilized egg.  So.many.freaking.variables.   

 

 

I keep reminding myself that most women see a positive pregnancy test and just wait until their first ultrasound.  Then they handle whatever news they get. So, I'll keep on my medication schedule and go in for more blood work on Thursday. 

 

If it does end up being a blighted ovum, then I want to see proof on an ultrasound in another two weeks.  We'll keep on keeping on until then.  All I know is that I won't be the one who denies it the chance to keep fighting. 

 

You pray for a miracle.

I'll pray to be at peace with this pregnant but probably not scenario. 

 

 

 

 

 



The BIG 3-0!

After we had verified an increasing beta number on Thursday, I decided to approach my 30th birthday with pure joy on Friday.

I've had several reflective moments over the past week and most of them center around when I thought I would be making a pregnancy announcement.  

After we made the decision to wait until our 1st wedding anniversary before trying for kids, I just knew we'd have a child in 2008.  If my chemical pregnancy would have progressed, then we would have a 6 year old in December.  I remember thinking I'd have a kid or at least be pregnant at sister #3's high school graduation in 2009.  Then I convinced myself we would get to announce a pregnancy at Paul's 30th birthday party in 2010.  At some point though, I lost the ability to think like that. But, I never, ever thought it would be MY 30th birthday before we made a pregnancy announcement.

Friday morning I woke up and most definitely peed on another stick. I'll keep this up for as long as I can…perhaps until I make it to an ultrasound.  I LOVED everything about my 30th birthday but that second pink line was by far my favorite thing.

I took my birthday shot…right in the rear as usual and then came downstairs to roses and balloons from my husband. 

I felt so loved all week at work.  Two of my employees made me this perfect Steelers wreath.

I received all sorts of birthday treats and little goodies throughout the past 2 weeks from those who knew what I was going through.  Those little goodies made all the difference in my past few weeks.

There was another perfect devotional and Paul and I chose to marvel in the joy of being in the moment.

I left work early and went home to pack for our weekend away to a surprise destination.

Paul and I left around 2 and started heading west on 64. I thought we were definitely heading to the OBX until he continued straight on 95 S. I got really confused when he beared on to 85 S.  

In two short hours, we had arrived at Lake Gaston.  

Because of the size of the house, I had a sneaking suspicion that all of my family would be joining us.

In less than an hour, my suspicions were confirmed when my family started to roll in.  

My sister and brother-in-law brought their boat and the house was the perfect size for all 12 of us. 

My parents, the 5 girls, 3 husbands, 1 boyfriend and 1 niece plus our 4 dogs.  Phew! 

I was treated to a box of delicious birthday chocolate truffles.

I've always said that my faith really expanded because of our infertility troubles.  This past week I've really had to learn to not only believe in His plan, but trust Him, too.  I've really had to set my sights on Him, leave the worry behind and trust in each individual moment.  

Birthday surprises, family time and the most miraculous gift ever.

What a most perfect 30th birthday.

Wednesday & Thursday

Surprisingly, with all the unknowns thrown into this week, it has been one of the most calming weeks of my life. 

I cannot adequately put into words the overwhelming peace I have felt.

When the nurse called to tell me I was pregnant, she was a little concerned about my low beta number.  The beta number is a measure of the pregnancy hormone level in your body.  My number was only at 25.  She told me I would need to go in for follow up bloodwork on Thursday.

On Wednesday morning, I woke up and completely forgot to take the pregnancy test I had bought the day before.  I guess after 6 1/2 years you just get out of that habit!

So naturally, I chugged a glass of water.  No way was I missing out on taking a pregnancy test on a day where I knew I was still pregnant.

All day Wednesday, I found little signs that helped to keep me calm.

I turned on Pandora at work and this song immediately popped up.  It can't be a coincidence that I had just titled my blog post the day before Today is Beautiful.

I read another perfect passage from my daily devotional.

Thursday morning I had no problem remembering to pee on a stick.  I am so grateful for those two little pink lines and I plan to look at them as often as I can.  It helps center me and bring me back to the moment!

Because I needed to be at LabCorp early and because Paul got home from work a little later, we had to switch around our usual morning shot routine.  That morning, Paul must have hit a vein because, holy heck, did we end up with a blood geyser on our hands.  

After our little misplaced injection fiasco, I went to get more bloodwork.  I was a little nervous I would get the same lady from Tuesday, but luckily, I had the sweetest lady ever.  She complimented me on my pretty sweater, had a wonderful conversation and told me to have a blessed day.  

I went off to work and waited with an apprehensive patience.  The apprehension stemmed more from the unknown than from worrying about the results.  

Around 1:30 the nurse called to tell me that my beta number had gone up to 45.  While it wasn't exactly a doubling number (like they hope to see), she was still encouraged by how much it went up.  She said to continue with my normal medicine regime (Yay! More shots!) and scheduled me for more bloodwork on Monday.

Paul and I have vowed to appreciate this pregnancy for as long as we can.  

I was encouraged by the devotion again for the day.  

Paul took me out for a wonderful early birthday dinner.  He gave me an early birthday card which contained a special poem telling me to get my bags packed.  What a fun birthday surprise to find out we'd be going away for the weekend.  

Every now and then I have to pinch myself and remind myself I'm actually pregnant.  This journey has been so long…this dream seemed so far away.  

I'm so enjoying savoring every moment.

Today is beautiful!

(Intro: I wrote this blog on Tuesday night.)

On Monday morning, I was feeling incredibly anxious and I knew I needed something to calm my soul.  I was walking down the hallway at work, realizing that almost no one around me had any clue what I was going through.  I needed a quiet moment to myself.  

When I returned to my desk, I pulled out a little devotional book I keep tucked in the back of my drawer.  I don't pull this particular book out of my drawer very often…instead I choose to keep it for moments when I really, really need it.  It was last book marked to a date over three months ago.

When I read the passage for Monday, I couldn't believe how appropriately perfect it was for that day.

I instantly felt more at peace.  I decided to read Sunday's passage and found it even more amazingly perfect.

The last line gave me chills.  Especially since I had just written a blog post about the word expecting.

                                  

Needing all the hope I could gather for the week, I posted a quick status about which scriptures I was holding on to, one of them being Proverbs 3: 5.  

I could not believe my eyes when I logged onto Facebook at lunch and this was the first thing that popped up in my newsfeed. 

I sent a text to my sister and she wrote back #itsagodthing.

I could not have agreed more.  

When this morning finally rolled around, I took my time getting to LabCorp.  While I wanted to get the bloodwork over with, I was somewhat stalling the inevitable learning of the results.

I had this amazing lady with about 6 different shades of red, orange, and yellow in her afro.  While her hair was a ray of sunshine her personality was a little lackluster and I left hoping that was not an omen for the rest of the day.

I found out that my bloodwork was supposed to be processed within four hours, so starting at lunch time, I kept my phone right beside me.

And then it rang at 1:20 pm and my world started to move in slow motion.  There's just something about actually realizing you are in THAT moment that will change your life.  

The nurse from my doctor's office, started blubbering on about how she had gotten the results….yadayadayada and I finally heard her say "You're pregnant."  She went on about my beta number (I'll save that for a different post) and my medicine regimen.  She told me I needed to go in for follow up bloodwork on Thursday. But, she had muttered the only words I needed to hear.

I haven't had a positive pregnancy result in 6 years, 5 months and 1 day.  But who's counting?

Those words are nothing short of miraculous.

I called Paul.  We both wanted to cry but kept it together in that moment. I made some more calls. I sent some texts. I promised myself that if I got a positive pregnancy result, then family and close friends got to know right away.  I knew more prayers couldn't hurt.  

I am also aware that this was an incredibly precious moment and the day needed to be celebrated.  No worrying, no ifs, no focusing on a low beta number.  

Most women don't even know what a beta number is.

So I went to Wal-Mart to refill my prescription. And I picked up a few things.  A few things I never thought I'd buy again.  For some reason, a positive pregnancy result seemed to call for a steak and potatoes kind of dinner.  I can't tell you the last time we ate steak and potatoes.  It felt hearty and right.

I picked up a card for Paul to mark the occasion.

Paul got home from an off-duty paving job way late and we ate dinner finally around 8:30 pm.  

While I waited for him to get home, I caught a glimpse of the most beautiful, Heaven filled sunset I have ever seen outside of my house.

                                   

Paul usually cooks dinner and I was quite proud of how my dinner turned out.  

A dinner has never tasted more delicious.

                                   

At least for the next 48 hours I am pregnant.

End of story.

A Mental Marathon

I was hanging in there quite well for the first 7 days. Since Friday evening though, I've been reintroduced to this mental marathon that is infertility.

 See, I've got my eyes set so far on the future and waiting til my husband and I finally get to be parents that I have been forgetting that future could be in 9 short months. I felt nothing those first 7 days (aside from the actual pain and itchiness of the injection sites and those first fleeting cramps I mentioned before).  But starting Friday night I have been cramping something aweful. And when you start to feel physical pains that you CAN'T ignore then it sends your brain into a whirlwind of crazy thoughts. Most women who are actively trying to get pregnant are anxiously awaiting a positive pregnancy result and may be searching for pregnancy symptoms.  But, women who are going through infertility and on fertility meds actually GET those symptoms as side effects from the medication. Ya know, just to eff with our heads some more. 

You give yourself a little pep talk before every trip to the bathroom because you know your dreams are either about to be shattered or you have hope just a little longer. 

And you can't do a darn thing about those physical symptoms. If this was a regular month, I'd have popped some ibuprofen and slapped on a heading pad by now. But my doc said no extra meds...

I did everything to keep busy yesterday. I decorated cookies, vacuumed my house, fixed a toilet, mowed the backyard, went to my parents for four hours to watch a football game and all of that barely helped to squelch the battle going on in my head. 

I will never be so grateful to see a weekend come to a close. I'll be two days closer to finally having the answer. 

Am I or Aren't I? 

Expectations & Letting Go

There's so much context wrapped up into that blog title and I'm not even sure where to begin. 

 

First off, let me apologize if you have that Frozen song stuck in your head. 

I hope I'm not the only one who hates that song.
(Though if you didn't, you probably do now!)

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Next week is shaping up to be a really, really big week in the Ziolkowski household.  I have bloodwork scheduled on two different days and Friday will be my 30th birthday. 

 

Honestly, I'll be shocked if I make it to bloodwork day #1.  When I say bloodwork, I'm referring to the fact that the results will tell me if I'm pregnant or not.  As I mentioned in my last blog post, I won't be peeing on any sticks this time around. So, while 'bloodwork' sounds simple enough, it has a ginormous meaning behind it.

 

I woke up in the middle of the night Wednesday night (early Thursday morning) with what felt like my usual pre-period cramps.  I've tracked my cycle long enough and know my body well enough to know that those pre-period cramps usually mean my period will show up within the next 2-3 days.  If I make it through the weekend, I'll be very surprised.  If I actually have to go in for bloodwork and if they tell me I'm pregnant, it'll be dumbfounding, mind blowing, earth shattering news. You may just have to pick me up off the ground and I have never once passed out in my life (unless you count the time when I was a baby and passed out in my mom's arms because I was so constipated...but that's another story!)

 

That's how well I think I know my body. 

 

Again, it does not mean that my hope is lost.  Remember my hope lies in us becoming parents one day.  That hope never goes away.  My hope for a successful FET using 3 embryos from the same batch where 15 embryos have died already...well that just statistically works against us.

 

Please keep all the 'but it only takes one!' or 'but pregnancy symptoms can mock period symptoms!" comments to yourself.

Trust me, no one will be happier than me (except Paul) for me to be proven wrong.

 

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'Expectations' is such a loaded, heavy word.  As if one word can somehow possess all your hopes, your dreams, your life.

 

From the simplest thing like expecting your coffee to be hot when it's served to you, to the largest thing like expecting to get to be parents.

 

We even use the word to describe a pregnancy!

 

The most basic definition of the word 'expecting' (when used as a verb) is to look forward to; regard as likely to happen; anticipate the occurrence or the coming of.

 

You don't expect to get sucker punched by life.  Maybe it's a sudden loss (a loved one/friend, your job, your house, your pet).  Maybe it's an unexpected diagnosis (cancer, a disease).  Whatever it is, most of us don't go around using the word 'expecting' in a negative connotation. 

 

I never expected to reach my 30th birthday and still not be a momma.  My life plan was three kids by 30.  I've mentioned my expectations for my life before...college graduation, marriage, kids, stay at home mom.  Personally, I can't imagine living a life focusing on all the 'what ifs' or possibilities if my expectations didn't play out like I thought.

 

But then, one day, you realize they haven't played out like you thought.  You see your expectations slowly circle down the drain and you learn to re-evaluate your life.  And you realize, God has met some greater expectations than you could have ever imagined for yourself. 

 

(Side note: Our infertility journey and, consequently, our life, has been highly impacted by a decision to seek God more into our lives.  I won't shy away from talking about how our relationship with Him has made the biggest and most profound imprint on our souls and our outlook on life.)

 

I'll say it a thousand times over...when I met Paul I knew I had met the man I was going to marry.  He is sarcastic, funny, and kind. He is a hard worker and has a very serious & mature side (which I need because I have never handled 'flighty' or 'immature' very well). He gives me the right balance of personal space and emotion (remember, I'm not a 'feeler', I'm a 'thinker').  He is supportive and helpful.  He makes me feel safe and loved.  Most all of these qualities, I knew from the very beginning.  I like to think we're a fairly balanced couple (though I totally wear the pants! ;)  )

 

God met one major expectation for me that I didn't know I would need when He led me to be Paul's wife.  When God made Paul, He made him a perfect fit for me and molded him perfectly for how to handle our infertility story. Paul gave me the most selfless gift anyone could possibly give when we came to the decision that sperm donation would be our next option. 

 

Sperm donation is a subject you approach lightly and it involves a very heavy decision.  In the beginning of our journey we realized our expectations were thrown off course.  We didn't waver,  though...fully expecting IVF to work.  When it didn't that first go around, we were crushed. 

 

To come out in public talking openly about the possibility of sperm donation shows just how much our hearts and our expectations have shifted over the years.

 

I will forever shout my husband's praises to anyone who will listen. 

 

While we continue to pray that we won't have to think about sperm donation for at least the next 9 months, we do know that will be our next step.  If not for child #1, then definitely for child #2. 

 

The gift my husband has given to me and to our future is beyond measure and certainly cannot adequately be put into words.

 

Somehow, my husband has the clarity to realize that being a daddy doesn't mean you necessarily need to provide the DNA.  Heaven knows there are plenty of men who provide DNA who aren't daddies.

 

When I asked Paul if he was 100% okay with moving forward with pursuing sperm donation in the future his simple, yet very heavy statement was "At this point, I will do anything." 

In my late teens and early twenties, I had my expectations for the man I would someday marry...funny, strong, mature, sarcastic.  I never once thought about needing to ask for a completely selfless man.
 

When I think about the people I know whose marriages have fallen apart because of infertility and then I think about my husband's most selfless decision, I am fully aware of God's gift to me and His knowledge and ability to provide you with things when you don't even know you need them.

 

I am one lucky gal to have that man of mine.

 

 

 

 

 

 



Brief Overview

It occurred to me the other day that most of you probably haven't gone all the way through my old blog posts.

Many of you may be stopping by for the first time.

Some of you might not know us at all.

It also occurred to me that I take for granted understanding the lingo in the Trying to Conceive community and the average person probably has no idea what is being said.  I hope you are lucky enough to be one of those people who has no clue about this infertility world.

So, I thought a brief overview of what we've been through and a little infertility vernacular lesson may be a little helpful.

AF: Aunt Flow or Flo, also known as your period.
AI: Artificial Insemination.
ART: Assisted Reproductive Technology.
AWOL: A Woman on Lupron, referring to the mood swings that sometimes accompany this fertility drug.
BA: Baby Aspirin.
BBT: Body Basal Temperature Charting.
BCP: Birth Control Pills.
BD: Baby Dance, a reference to having sexual intercourse during on your most fertile days; OR, Baby Dust, a sort of good wishes or good luck phrase meant to hope you get pregnant.
Beta: A pregnancy test that measures the levels of hCG (pregnancy hormone) via blood work.
BFN: Big Fat Negative, refers to a negative pregnancy test.

BFP: Big Fat Positive, refers to a positive pregnancy test.

BMS: Baby Making Sex.
BOB: Baby on the Brain, or thinking about having a baby all the time.
BV: Baby Vibes, same thing as Baby Dust, something you "give" to someone in hopes they'll get pregnant.
B/W or BW: Blood Work.
CB: Cycle Buddy, someone who either started the cycle with you, ovulated around the same time as you, or is planning to take a pregnancy test at about the same time as you.
CD: Cycle Day, a reference to the days of a treatment cycle or any menstrual cycle when trying to conceive. CD 3 would be the third day after your period starts.
CM, or CF: Cervical Mucus or Cervical Fluid, a topic you may have never imagined talking about, but in a fertility forum, may find yourself chatting about with unexpected enthusiasm! In detail, no less!
DH: Darling Husband
DI: Donor Insemination, as you would have with IUI along with a sperm donor.
DTD: Doing the Deed, or Doing the Dance, a reference to sex.
DPO: Days Past Ovulation.
DPR: Days Past Retrieval, or the number of days since you've had the oocyte (egg) retrieval during IVF treatment.
DPT: Days Past Transfer, or the number of days after embryo transfer in an IVF treatment or embryo donation cycle.
DW: Darling Wife
E2: Estradiol, a hormone sometimes measured during fertility testing and treatment.
EDD: Estimated Due Date.
ET: Embryo Transfer, done during IVF.
ENDO: Endometriosis.
FE: Frozen Embryo.
FET: Frozen Embryo Transfer, referring to an IVF cycle using previously frozen embryos that have been thawed and then transferred.
FHR: Fetal Heart Rate.
FF: Fertility Friend, referring to the charting website FertilityFriend.com.
FMU: First Morning Urine.
FSH: Follicle Stimulating Hormone.
FTTA: Fertile Thoughts to All.
GS: Gestational Surrogate.
hCG: Human Chorionic Gonadotropin.
HPT: Home Pregnancy Test, like what you buy at the drug store.
HOM: High Order Multiples, a pregnancy with three or more babies.
HSG: Hysterosalpingogram.
ICSI: Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection.
IF, or IFer: Infertility or a reference to someone with infertility.
IM: Intramuscular Injection.
IPS: Imaginary Pregnancy Symptoms, when you feel pregnant but you're not.
IUI: Intrauterine Insemination.
IVF: In Vitro Fertilization.
IVF-DE: IVF with Donor Eggs.
LAP: Laparoscopy.
LH: Luteinizing Hormone.
LMP: Last Menstrual Period.
LPD: Luteal Phase Defect.
LSC: Low Sperm Count.
M/C: Miscarriage.
MF: Male Factor Infertility.
MS: Morning Sickness.
O or OV: Ovulation.
OHSS: Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome.
OPK, or OPT: Ovulation Predictor Kit or Test.
PCT: Post-Coital Test.
PCO, PCOS, or PCOD: Polycystic Ovaries, or Polycystic Ovary Syndrome/Disease.
PG: Pregnant.
PI: Primary Infertility, or infertility without any previously born children.
PIO: Progesterone in Oil.
PNV: Prenatal Vitamin.
POC: Products of Conception.
POF, or POI: Premature Ovarian Failure, or Primary Ovarian Insufficiency.
POAS: Pee On A Stick, or take a pregnancy test at home.
PUPO: Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.
RE: Reproductive Endocrinologist, a kind of fertility specialist.
RI: Reproductive Immunologist, another kind of fertility specialist.
RPL: Recurrent Pregnancy Loss.
SA: Semen Analysis.
SART: Society for Assisted Reproductive Technologies.
SB: Stillborn.
SHG: Sonohysterogram, a fertility test.
SI: Secondary Infertility.
SM: Surrogate Mother.
STIMS: Stimulating Hormones, usually referring to injectable fertility drugs like gonadotropins.
SP: Sperm Count.
SOD: Sex on Demand, or sex on schedule or during fertility treatment.
SubQ, or SC: Subcutaneous Injection.
2WW: Two Week Wait.
TESE: Testicular Sperm Extraction.
TL: Tubal Ligation.
TMI: Too Much Information, something fertility forum goers don't seem to shy away from too often!
TTC: Trying to Conceive.
TS: Traditional Surrogate.

I left out some abbreviations that are more obscure or you won't see on this blog.

Now that you have the abbreviation list memorized, here's a little more in depth look at our TTC journey (in case you hadn't noticed the timeline over there ---------------->

Once upon a time, DH & I were newly weds with BOB.  I had never been on BP, never taken any BCP and we DTD almost daily.  I tracked my CD, my CM, & my BBT to no avail.  I went through OPK's like it was my job and POAS more times than I can count.

In early 2009, we finally met with an RE who recommended an SA for my DH, a HSG & PCT for me & B/W for the both of us.

We soon learned that my DH had MF thanks to a LSC and some other issues. We realized we would need ART to conceive.  That same year, we did 4 IUI's. I continued to track my LMP & DPO.

In 2010, we went all in for IVF with ICSI.  I did SubQ injections with a FSH, needed an IM hCG trigger shot and was most definitely AWOL.  I tracked my DPR & my DPT. We did an FET several months later, only to end in another BFN.

We're back into the swing of things with a new RE. I'm currently on PNV, E2, and PIO after just doing our 2nd and final FET. We have no more FE's left so if this doesn't work our next stop may be DI.  I'm still PUPO and trying hard not to IPS. I won't POAS-No HPT's for me this time around.  Hoping for a BFP and an awesome Beta when I go in for B/W.
It'd be lovely to calculate an EDD for once. 



Believe it or not, my brain really does think in those abbreviations. 
At least I didn't go incredibly crazy and make a video like this!



Infertility & the workplace

Over the past few days, I have received numerous messages from people regarding my blog.

I have been amazed and humbled by each one and I thank you so much for your kind words.

An underlying theme in most of them has been "Thank you for helping me to understand....".

Seeing as how you only get things from my perspective and since I'm the one going through infertility, I realized I may be just a bit jaded and a little biased with my certain opinions and views.

I thought it would be helpful to gain an outsiders perspective.

There have been many consistent key players in our eight year journey and one of them is Lindsay.

I firmly believe my infertility story has been made easier because of where I work and with whom I work. Lindsay and I went to the same college and graduated with the same degree though we only vaguely knew who the other person was in school. I am a couple years older than Lindsay. She finished her junior internship here the summer before I started working and then went on to complete her senior internship and get a job.  In September 2009, Lindsay joined our Recreation Therapy team full time and became my co-worker. Her first month of work was my fourth IUI (Artificial Insemination) month.  Paul and I were in the throws of our fertility treatments. 

Our work relationship has changed over the past 5 years.  She now has a kid and well, you know my story. I am now her boss.  It's been a wonderful journey, mostly because she is one of the kindest people I've ever met.

I asked Lindsay to write a little about what it's like dealing with a co-worker going through infertility. 

Take it away, Lindsay!

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Enter, me. I started working at our retirement community in September of 2009 and right away Katie and I just seemed to click. We had gone to the same school, gotten the same degree, disliked the same teachers (just being honest) and had a passion for working with the elderly. Katie and I quickly got to know each other and quickly became friends.

That's where things got personal....Several months had passed and my husband and I decided it was time to start trying for a baby. I had known since I met Katie that she and her husband desperately wanted to start a family and had been trying for a while. Me, believing everything you learn in family life class in middle school, thought the process seemed quite simple, but I soon learned otherwise.

Katie and I both became members of mymonthlycycle.com (if you've never heard of it-google it!) and would check into it daily. We knew exactly which day we should ovulate, which days were the "best days" and when we would start our monthly cycle. And for several months it became our routine. To me it seemed we were in it together. We had even had talks about sharing our job so we could both work part time once our babies came. However, that was not how it happened. Seven months later I found out I was pregnant.

While I was overjoyed, I was...well, sad. I had a small, very small taste of the disappointment of being so hopeful and then being let down, but my friend had been experiencing that for years. I can't even imagine! Building up hope only to be crushed a couple weeks later. I didn't know how to tell her.  I wanted her to know, because she was one of my closest friends, but I knew the pain it caused her every time she found out another one of her friends was expecting. I didn't want to be the source of anymore pain for her.

So I told her. Actually, if I remember correctly, she guessed before I even had the chance. And while she put on a smile, I knew it hurt. But, Katie being the amazing friend that she was, would always be the first person to ask how I was feeling or to push around on my big ol' belly to feel the baby kick. She even planned a baby shower at work for me!!!

Throughout that time and the months to follow I realized I didn't know a whole lot about the pain she experienced so I started reading articles online. I stumbled across all kinds of things...different causes of infertility, different treatments, support groups, personal stories. I learned a lot from that, but I learned more from Katie.

From the very start she was very open with me about her journey. She would share her hopes, dreams and disappointments. At one point I would even watch her give herself shots everyday in her office.  I knew when she was going in for procedures and when she was on bed rest. I remember being amazed by her courage and I found myself feeling her disappointments as well.

Looking back on the first years we shared together at work I can't even begin to tell you how I've watched Katie grow. She has found a new strength: started a business (if you haven't tasted or seen her cookies, please do yourself a favor and call her now!!!), strengthened her relationship with her husband, moved up at work and grown closer to God. It seems her whole outlook on life has changed. She is stronger and more courageous than ever.

I know that being so open about her journey isn't easy, but because of it she and her husband have helped raise awareness. From the Race to Parenthood to this blog she is reaching people and sharing her story with people who otherwise might not know about or understand infertility. I know that being part of her journey has opened my eyes and help me become aware, not only about infertility, but life. You never know what a person is going through or dealing with in their life. Be sensitive, educate yourself and be there.

I know that God has a plan for Paul and Katie. I have faith that one day they will be parents.
And they will be AMAZING!!!

Katie, thank you for sharing your story and for letting me be part of it. Know that you and Paul are in my prayers and that I will always be here for you. One day your children are going to look at you and see the beautiful, strong, brave, graceful, godly woman that I see.
_________________________________________________________________________________
And cue my waterworks.  When I asked Lindsay to write a little about what it was like working side by side with someone going through infertility, I had no idea she would write something that sweet.

No, I didn't pay her!

If you work with someone going through infertility, a little compassion will go a long way.  Lindsay has always managed to find the perfect balance of listening and talking.  She let me poke and prod on her belly because she knew I needed it, even on days when she probably wanted to smack my hand away. She let me make my sarcastic comments because she knew that was how I coped. She always seemed to know the perfect days for when I needed to take a walk and the perfect days when I needed a milkshake.  Last Tuesday, Lindsay and another one of my employees (Hey, Meridith!) did the sweetest thing. They knew my FET was on Friday and they brought me in a huge gift bag full of goodies needed for a good old fashioned veg day…or in an infertile's world…a day spent laying on the couch or bed wondering over and over again if you're laying in the right position…if you're embryos are still alive…etc.  The gift bag contained a box of chocolate chip muffins, a bag of pretzel thins, a package of pumpkin cheesecake pepperidge farm cookies, two magazines, a movie, a sudoku puzzle book, reeses peanut butter cups, a bag of jelly beans, a bottle of nail polish and a Disney princess cup.  Do those girls know me or what?  It was the smallest random act of kindness that made the most difference in my week last week.

If someone is going through infertility in your workplace, be compassionate. Remember that your actions will speak louder than your words.  Offer a hug (if they're a hugger!).  Drop them a note just to say you're thinking of them.  Don't say "I understand" (unless you've been through infertility). Instead, say something like, "Wow, that must be hard. I can't even begin to imagine!"  Your co-worker will appreciate all your extra efforts.  Offer to help with their work load.  Lend them a hand and an ear.  Don't go shy away in a corner. Don't offer silly advice. Lindsay has been my positive light at work for the past 5 years.  You can be someone else's positive light.

The Announcement

DISCLAIMER:

I am aware this subject involves a very personal and private decision making process, usually shaped by a variety of one's life experiences.  This is normal.

I am also aware my major life changing experience is not normal.

Please know I respect your opinions, your decisions and your story.  

___________________________________________________________________________

You begin thinking about it almost instantaneously after receiving a positive pregnancy result; fueled by social media and a culture who tends to focus on 'one upping' each other.

The Pregnancy Announcement.

You find out you're pregnant.

Maybe you have a spouse, maybe you don't.

Maybe it was planned, maybe it wasn't.

Maybe it's happy news, maybe it's sad news.

The how, why, and when of your newly pregnant status all shape the way in which you announce your pregnancy to your family and friends.

At the beginning of our marriage, I would dream about the way I would deliver our wonderful news. Not the hypothetical "I have a dream"…but real life nighttime vivid dreams.

It was going to be creative and original. I wanted to wait until I was 2 months along before telling our families.  There was something about keeping this large secret away from the rest of the world that made me excited.  A little secret only my husband and I were in on.  We wanted to wait until I was out of my first trimester before making it 'Facebook official'. Boy, was that announcement going to be awesome.

Having a gender reveal party never even crossed my mind back then because it didn't even exist.  Our infertility journey has lasted longer than pinterest has existed. My amazing ideas from back then would have been even more fabulous now that I could pinterest the whole thing.

In April 2008, we had our chance at our big surprise pregnancy announcement when I received my one and only positive pregnancy result.  We went to the bookstore, picked out a bunch of books on babies (New Daddy books, a book for a grandparent to write their family history, etc.)  We invited my family over to our house and you know what we did?  We were so freaking excited we blurted out the news the minute they opened the door.  

I went to work the next day and told my co-workers and my boss right away.  I figured they all needed to know as soon as possible so when my morning sickness kicked in they could cover for me.

And then we called our family and I told my co-workers and boss two days later that it was all over.

What I had experienced is called a chemical pregnancy. When an embryo has grown enough to show up on an ultrasound, it is termed a 'clinical pregnancy' (usually around the end of week 5/beginning of week 6).  When an embryo is in its very earliest stages and a miscarriage happens, it is dubbed a chemical pregnancy because the only way to know you're pregnant would be through blood work…or the chemical way.

Even though it wasn't a creative way, I am so grateful we had that one moment in time to share joyous, unexpected news with our family.  

When we made the decision to come out in public (not just the "we are dealing with infertility" type of public, but the "hey, I'm getting shots in my butt" type of public), I knew this was one area I would have to let go.  Obviously, since I was sharing our treatment schedule, I knew most of you would be able to figure out around when we will find out if the treatment worked.  

It was one of my last major mental hurdles I had to jump over before sharing our story publicly.

Years ago, I came to the realization that a 'surprise' pregnancy was probably out of the question for us. 

I came to be at peace with the knowledge that I will probably never randomly pee on a pregnancy strip and see the words "Pregnant".  

But, the announcement, I could still control.  I could still do something over the top and creative.

Just before I clicked 'share' on Facebook the very first time I shared my blog, I had a personal revelation.

The announcement does.not.matter.

Whether you choose to do something big and creative or just simply call your closest friends and family. Whether you post just an ultrasound picture on fb or get creative with a witty status.  Whether you're 5 weeks and just found out or at the end of your third trimester before you let the social media world know….it just.doesn't.matter.

What matters is that you do what you feel comfortable doing.  What matters is that we learn to support and uplift each other.  What matters is being respectful of people's decisions because you probably don't really know the true circumstances and experiences behind them. What matters is the baby at the center of that announcement.

It might be hard to imagine that someone dealing with infertility loves the show "19 Kids & Counting". The Duggar family holds tight to their traditional beliefs.  While you might not agree with their beliefs, it is important to respect them.  Daughter Jill Duggar recently came out with this statement about why she and her husband chose to announce their pregnancy so early.

And they're absolutely right.

Every life counts.  Whether that baby never makes it out of the womb alive or lives to a ripe old age, it should be remembered and celebrated.  Women (& men) who have had miscarriages will tell you their babies in Heaven are just as important to them as their babies on Earth.  

It is important to remember that while a random pregnancy announcement may not matter to you, it is one of the biggest life changing moments for that person.

The level of excitement and joy should not change no matter how and when you make your announcement.

Celebrate the joy.

Be supportive if there happens to be sorrow.

Be compassionate. Be respectful. Be uplifting. 

Ultimately, the announcement does not matter.  The precious new life created does.

It was an eight year lesson for me to learn.