Oak Tree

A mighty wind blew night and day.

It stole the oak tree's leaves away,

Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark

Until the oak was tired and stark.

But still the oak tree held its ground

While other trees fell all around.

The weary wind gave up and spoke,

"How can you still be standing, Oak?"

The oak tree said, "I know that you

Can break each branch of mine in two,

Carry every leaf away,

Shake my limbs, and make me sway.

But I have roots stretched in the earth,

Growing stronger since my birth.

You'll never touch them, for you see,

They are the deepest part of me.

Until today, I wasn't sure

Of just how much I could endure.

But now I've found, with thanks to you,

I'm stronger than I ever knew."

* A special thanks to my co-worker, Lindsay, who gave me an encouragement card, with this wonderful poem on it.

Same story, Different month

Another negative for us. 

We're taking a year off.  We are going to pay all our credit cards off.  I'm going to get skinny.  And we'll ring in our 5 year anniversary next year with a trip to Disney World. 

And hey, God, it'd be nice to know if we could match up the timelines for MY life.  K, thanks. 

I choose happiness no matter the outcome.

I've never been part of the popular crowd....about IVF

"Don't put your life on hold for infertility. You can either make yourself miserable or make yourself happy.  Both take the same amount of energy."

Water's Edge

I'm sitting on the upper deck at my dad's cousin's beach house in Corolla, NC.  And I can see the ocean.  A storm is getting ready to roll in and the clouds are a dark gray color.  There is a magnificent breeze blowing through my freshly washed hair and there is a baby crying in the background.  Cut me some slack God, please!  

Okay...the baby stopped crying...commence peaceful moment.  I can stare straight ahead to the ocean.  Where the water and the sky blend into one.  And I feel myself at the brink of the water's edge.  The end of my 2ww is right around the corner.  This is the time in the 2ww where I begin mentally gearing myself up for a possible disappointment.  The reality of the possibility of being pregnant starts to fade and I find myself grasping at the last remaining golden straws of hope.  I have been here before...and something in my heart tells me I will be here again.  In that one moment of knowing that I will be okay...WE will be okay...no matter what the outcome.  And how can anything be truely wrong when GOD provides these wonderful, peaceful moments of pure serenity....and when the neighbors take their screaming child inside. 

I'm at the water's edge and I'm ready to get my feet wet.

WW

Next time, baby, I'll be bulletproof

I have had that song lyric stuck in my head since Thursday.  I heard Thursday morning on the car ride between rushing from my healing touch session (probably not a good thing to be rushing after a relaxing session)...to home.   And I think this is my theme lyric for this round of our fertility journey.  I'm hoping I don't have to put up a bulletproof exterior at the end of this two week wait.  Plus you have to admit that it's a great lyric considering I'm married to a cop ;)

So I was going to write about all the symptoms and side effects but let's face it...complaining about how tired I am can get boring.  I think I'll take a moment to reflect on some of my theme songs...

Truly Madly Deeply by Savage Garden-dedicated to my 7th grade boyfriends
Bitch by Meredith Brooks-my theme song to 8th grade

okay okay okay...I can't do that...I'd literally be here all night.   Plus I love, love, love music and I currently have hundreds of songs running through my head. 

The only theme song that matters is "Beautiful: the Christmas Version" by Wayne Brady and Jim Brickman...our first dance song.

What songs make you tick? 

Irony

So every woman who is trying to conceive knows that pregnancy symptoms mock pre-menstrual symptoms.  Sore boobs, cramping, tiredness, bloating...you name it...it'll fall under both categories.

The irony is that the progesterone supplement I'm on does all of those too.  I've now been on it for almost a week and the side effects are starting to kick in.  I think the major one is tiredness.  I vaguely remember this from the first IVF cycle.   (It's amazing how much I've blocked out forgotten since then. 

Wouldn't it be grand if I could sleep away the next two weeks?

Speaking of irony...I got invited to the shore for a girls weekend with my mom and aunt by my dad's cousin & her friends...So my only overnight trip to the beach this summer falls during my two weeks where I'm not ALLOWED to be in a pool or hottub.   I guess that's God's sense of humor again.  Good thing I don't care for swimming in the ocean.  And I guarantee I'll still enjoy sitting on the beach!

Embryos

Because I uploaded the pictures from the first round, I figured I'd upload the ones from this cycle.  The ONLY thing that gives me hope that this cycle may work is the difference between the best looking embryo here (the top left) and our best looking embryo last time.  If you look back to March 2009 you can see that photo.  The one this time looks so much more clearer and developed.  Hopefully this will be our future child!  Science and FAITH are an amazing thing when combined. 

Guilt

I've had a lot of time to think during my day of bed rest and I think I've put my finger on an underlying issue with this whole fertility thing.  It's called GUILT.  I'm not referring to a guilt relating to our actual fertility issues because as I've said before, those are out of control and are not our fault. 

But I'm talking about the subconscious guilt that I will feel during these next few days.  I know every woman who goes through infertility deals with these same exact feelings.  It's what binds us together.  The constant strain of questions running through my head is defeaning.  Did I eat the right food?, Did I lay down too much?, Did I sit up too much?, Did I walk around too much?, Did I eat too many cold things?, Did I take my meds at the exact right time?, Did I let my dog lay on my belly too much?, Did I go to the bathroom too much?, Should I have done a head stand?, Was the walk to the mailbox too far?, Was my shower too hot?, Did I put in my progesterone just right?  Oh my gosh, I could go on and on.  But the point is....at this point in the game...no matter how MUCH I know that the outcome is out of my control, right now that feeling of guilt will always be with me.  I'm not beating myself up over it and I honestly hardly think about it, but when I'm alone with my thoughts that feeling comes washing over me again. 

I think it's magnified this time because last time, I knew everything was out of my control...so much so, that I hardly thought twice about it.  I pretty much just waited for the negative pregnancy test because my motto has always been "Hope for the best, expect the worse"  Last time I had only briefly allowed myself to realize how awesome it would be to tell everyone we were expecting at Paul's 30th birthday.  But now....now I've thought about it more.  I've planned more.  We could tell people at my grandparents 50th anniversary party, I would be due around my grandfather's birthday (the one who passed away), we could take our child with us to Disney World for our 5 year anniversary, I would be showing at Christmas.  This time I WANT it....and that...that makes the guilt so much more intense.  Because the eggs have been fertilized and in a petri dish they have started to grow...but from here on out, it's up to me to cook them and sometimes...I think my oven is broken. 

PUPO

In the fertility blogging world "PUPO" means "pregnant until proven otherwise".  So consider me officially PUPO! 

I had a wonderful healing touch session this morning.  It was so relaxing.  It was a total out of body experience.  I figured a little chinese medicine wouldn't hurt.  My 'healer' laid her hands on my different joints and meditated.  I cannot even put into words how incredibly peaceful the whole experience is.  When I first laid on the massage table and we began it took me forever to stop thinking weird thoughts.  For example "Wow, so this is the type of music you're suppose to play when meditating".  "I'm really suppose to be envisioning the room being flooded with a golden light?", "I wonder if I'll really fall asleep", "Please let those embryos stick today" "I wonder if I have a booger in my nose that she can see".  But the best part about all these thoughts is that at the end of our session she said to me "It took you a while to get out of your head huh?"  She informed me that's why she spent so long at my ankles.  That I had a hard time letting go and relaxing.  Obviously.  She also informed me that most of my energy is on my left side and I need to balance it out.  I told her the Wii Fit tells me the same thing.  I'm not balanced.  She told me that before I get out of bed every morning I need to center my focus and think about my body being in balance for about 5 minutes.  She said even that simple act will help me out.   I'm willing to give it a shot.

So I popped my valium at 11 and arrived at 11:30 with a full bladder.  I'm pretty sure they make you take the valium so you don't care when you're spread eagle on a table in front of 4 people.  Two female nurses and two male doctors.  Usually you can be somewhat modest and have a sheet draped over your legs, but for transfers they have to pull the sheet up to your belly button because one nurse is giving you an ultrasound on your belly at the same time.  Modesty shmodesty. 

The transfer went perfectly.  The embryos were placed in exactly the right spot.  Now it's up to them.  We only had one really good looking embryo.  Graded at a 3+ (Doc said it technically could habe been a 4).  **Embryos are graded on a scale of 1-5.  5 being almost never heard of-too good to be true, 4 being great, 3 being average, 2 below average and 1 crap**.  We had one embryo that didn't make it through the thaw which was a blessing because now I don't feel like I wasted an embryo.  The other 2 embryos were a 2+ and a 2.  Doc doesn't have much hope for the 2.  Hopefully my fertility tricks will help out and this one will be a success! 

I'm enjoying vegging on the couch so far.  My very bestest friend and roomie came by to keep me company.  She brought me a Disney car person back from Disneyworld (since I had scraped mine off my car during one of the snow storms).  

We are so blessed and touched by all the supportive responses we've gotten on facebook from our friends and family.  Our lives have been changed for the better because of you! 

Cheers to the 2ww!! :)

Wordless Wednesday

I know it's suppose to be Wordless Wednesday but it's the night before our transfer and I need to write. 

I have done things differently this go round.  I've eaten some pineapple, drank some tea, had some pomegranate juice and done numerous other old wives tales.   I've got my appointment for a healing touch session at 9:30.  I have to take a valium at 11, show up with a full bladder at 11:30 and the procedure will happen at 12:00. 

I think the main thing I've done differently this time is I have faith.  Don't get me wrong, God has never left my side, but last time I just knew all along it wasn't going to work.  This time I believe that it will.  I know it will and if it doesn't....I will be crushed.   But I also know that my strength will kick in if it doesn't and we will press on. 

I am looking forward to my valium and napping on the couch.    What a perfect excuse to veg out :)

We could use your prayers for tomorrow.

Monday, Monday

My nightmare didn't come true!  The doctors appointment went fantastically (until the part where I had to whip out a credit card...okay 2 credit cards).   He told me my lining looked great.  At one point he said "That is one good looking ovary".  I'm not sure if that's a compliment, but I'll take it as one!  Of course he only saw my right.  "No point in poking and proding and looking for the left, because we know we got eggs from it".  He says that everytime I have an internal u/s.   It makes me chuckle each time.  

They took blood work and as per usual, my right arm is black and blue and sore.  Atleast all this bloodwork confirms why I don't voluntarily give blood. 

So now I'm on my cocktail of pills. 

Morning:  Estradoil (estrogen), baby aspirin, antibiotic, Progesterone suppository

Lunch:  antibiotic, folic acid supplement

Dinner:  Estradoil, antibiotic

Bedtime: prenatal vitamin, antibiotic and steriod (which is 4 pills at a time).  Progesterone suppository. 

Good thing I have a cheat sheet!!

I have to call tomorrow to get my appointment time for Thursday.  I must confess.  I'm looking forward to two days off with an excuse to lay down and catch up on some movies. 

Thanks for the extra prayers!

nightmares

      I am having this horrible reoccuring nightmare that I have ovulated early.  This would cancel out the cycle for this month and push us back to September since the IVF bank is closed for the month of August.   I know everything happens for a reason.

      I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow and I pray he'll tell me all looks good.  Time will tell.

     In the meantime, I have learned numerous interesting tips from my fertility forum.   I'm suppose to eat pineapple core on the days after the transfer.  I'm suppose to drink raspberry leaf tea and have no cold drinks, no ice, no ice cream.  I should try to provide a warm uterus for my embryos to attach to and am suppose to keep my feet warm too.  Warm pomegranate juice is suppose to help too.  Now these could all be old wives tales or they could work.  I'm going to give them a shot.  I picked up my organic pineapple from Kroger today and my organic raspberry leaf tea from Whole Foods.  Paul and I searched high and low in the tea aisle for that darn tea.  I'm hoping it was a positive sign that just when we were about to leave it caught my eye. 

      Okay, I'm off to bed.  It's gonna be a long week!

Observations

I know it's suppose to be wordless wednesday, but I couldn't resist the urge to type some.  Mainly, because I initially started this blog to be a type of a diary.  I write for noone but myself and to keep the timeline of my life in order. 

So...yesterday I missed my first dose of medicine.  I forgot to take my evening pill.  Considering all the meds I've taken over the past year, I'll cut myself some slack.  But darnit, I had such a good track record.  One tiny little pill and I forgot it.  Considering I take one of those estrace pills plus a baby aspirin in the morning, a folic acid supplement at lunch, another estrace pill at dinner, and a prenatal vitamin before bed, I think I'm doing okay.  The doctor didn't seem too concerned about it, thankfully. 

On a side note....the longer I go without children, the more time I have for observations.  This particular observation is one I've noticed for a long time, but have recently found funnier and funnier as I have more friends becoming pregnant and having children.  Ever notice how people say the nicest things when they find out what you're having?  "Oh a girl!  That's so amazing!  Girls are so precious!"   Noone ever says "Damn, a girl, that sucks.  I'm so sorry."...But I bet if you were having a boy they'd still say "Oh a boy! That's so amazing! Boys are so precious!".   Likewise...have an ugly baby.  I dare you.  Everyone will still "ooh & ahh" and tell you how adorable your sweet baby is.  Because who has really ever said "My goodness, I'd give that child back it's so ugly!"  But I bet we've all thought it because let's face it some kids are cuter than others.   Anyways, that's just my observation for the day.  Start paying attention to it and have yourself a good chuckle.

Worldless Wednesday

Happy 7 years of dating to us and Happy Birthday to America!

4th of July

I think one of the worst things about being childless is the after holiday picture posting on facebook. Infertile people of years past never realized how good they had it... (okay..maybe not really since we have technology on our side), but anyways...they didn't have facebook as the main way to keep in touch. While I agree that I talk to my real friends, I will admit that I do enjoy facebook. I like to see who's gotten fat and who's gotten skinny, who married who, and I've got bets on who gets divorced first....but that after holiday picture posting still stings. All these cute kids in their cute outfits.

I'm mentally gearing up for next week. One week from today I'll have a check up appointment to make sure everything's a go and then Thursday will be our transfer day (hopefully). I'll have Thursday and Friday. Bedrest is such a cruel irony...nothing more welcoming than having two days to analyze every little detail.

So cheers to this next week's wait...which is much more relaxing than the following two week wait.

Thought for the day

We were relaxing at my grandparents pool when a family and their son showed up. Later, I heard the mom calling her son..."Hey, Decklen".....DECKLEN!!!!! DECKLEN!!!!

Dear God, why do you give children to people who name their kids DECKLEN!?

Appointment

I had my doctor's appointment today. Everything looks good and is right on track. Our tentative FET date is Thurs. July 15 with my next appointment being Monday, July 12. I'm hoping my body doesn't decide to ovulate early, blowing our whole schedule. We would lose this month AND August because the fertility bank is closed in August.

I forgot how intensive the medicine regiment can be. I am grateful that doing a FET doesn't involve shots, but it still involves a lot of drugs! I am currently on Estradoil (the generic form of Estrace), which is an estrogen supplement. I take those tiny little blue pills twice a day. The doctor told me to start taking a baby aspirin once a day as well. Aspirin is a blood thinner and this will help with circulation to my uterus. Starting on Monday, July 12th, I will begine the progesterone suppositories. YUCK!!! I also have a prescription for a steriod, valium, and two other types of drugs for after the procedure. I didn't realize I will have to be on bed rest for two days again. Not that I'm complaining. This whole mess should help me in someway! I'll take two days to relax!

I walked into the fertility office lobby today and was slapped in the face with irony. Here in the one place where I am suppose to be safe from children was the most adorable 2 year old with his mom. I'm guessing she's back for round 2 or 3 or 20 of ART (Assistive Reproductive Technology), so I didn't hate her that much. Although a tiny part of me resented her for bringing her precious little one into my safe haven.

One of my sorority sisters randomly sent me a chat message on facebook telling me she had a dream I was pregnant last night. Of course I'm not now, but I wish she hadn't planted the seed of possibility into my brain. I prefer reality.

Hope

http://serenitynowinfertile.wordpress.com/2010/07/01/hope/


Read that link. I usually try to write my own feelings, but tonight I read one of the many blogs I follow and I couldn't help but feel as though I'd written it myself.

What are we without HOPE. I keep hope stored in my back pocket. Ready to pull it out when my coworker tells me "July is a great month to conceive". Like she did today. I pull HOPE out when my empty arms ache. I live on HOPE. What else do I have?