FET #2

And just like that, four years was over in a split second.

When Paul got home from work this morning, I woke up to partake in our morning shot routine.

I had to take the entire day off since I wasn't sure what time our appointment would end up being and I was a little bummed that I couldn't even sleep in on my rare day off.

I managed to squeeze in a little cookie time, a trip to the bank, and a wonderful & much needed catch up session with my college roomie.  

I tried very hard to busy myself with things to do so I wouldn't focus on the really big thing happening this afternoon.

All was going well until I got in my car and this song came on the radio.

The lyrics are perfect for today.  If you know me at all, you're probably very aware that I am not an overly emotional person.  I tend to always prefer logic and practicality over emotions and feelings, but when that song came on, I freakin' bawled like a baby. I'm talking snot and sobs and not being able to catch my breath crying.  I'm pretty sure that song came on the radio because God knew I needed a quick emotional breakdown to help make things real.  So much of our journey has seemed surreal, almost like an out of body experience.  We've gotten so focused on being really present in our life that we often have to actually remind ourselves we are "THAT" childless couple.  When we think about ourselves there are many other adjectives we think of first.  Being 'childless' has become an afterthought.

I'll still blame the crying spell on the extra estrogen running through my body, though!

1:00 pm rolled around and I popped my valium pill right on time.  I also drank A LOT of water since my only instructions were to arrive with a full bladder.

I'm still in awe by what the brain remembers and even though we hadn't been in that building in over four years, we knew exactly where we going…even which floor we needed.  

Partially because I was on a mission and partially because I was on valium, I walked right up to the counter without paying attention to my surroundings.  I had to focus incredibly hard on filling out the paperwork properly thanks to a foggy brain and a shaking hand.

When I turned around to walk back to my seat, I noticed a Race to Parenthood flyer. I may or may not have exclaimed in an overly excited voice "Hey, look! It's us!!"  It was such a wonderful, comforting, perfectly placed reminder of all the family and friends who had been cheering and praying for us.  I swear I felt a giant hug from all of you right there in that darn lobby.  (Though it was probably just the valium).

                                 

The nurse came to get us and checked us in to our room by around 1:40.  I got my I.D. bracelet which made it all official.  The nurse asked if we had done this before and I told her yes, but it was four years ago. I was grateful for her quick rundown of how everything went.   She then did a belly ultrasound which is still a foreign concept to me (I'm use to internal ultrasounds-bleh!). She asked if I needed to use the restroom because my bladder was definitely full and I told her I was okay.  I was terrified if I went then I would mess up the whole procedure since I was instructed to have a full bladder.  She left the room and within ten minutes I HAD to go to the bathroom.  No amount of trying to convince myself I really didn't need to go was working.  No position was comfortable.  Being a good husband, Paul opened the door to find a nurse to get permission for me go.  A different nurse checked me and gave me the green light.  Here's the kicker.  She told me I could empty a cup and a 1/2…almost two cups!  My brain could not process how little urine there must be in your bladder for your brain to register that you actually need to use the commode.  All along I was thinking if it didn't feel like I had enough in my bladder, then I probably didn't have enough.

Our appointment time came and went and by 2:20, the bathroom situation was at a critical level again.

The old me would have played by the rules and either held out or waited for permission from the nurse. 

The new me threw caution to the wind and darted to the bathroom, wrapped in my sheet and trying not to slide since I was only wearing socks.  

Don't tell me I'm not a risk taker ;)  

Finally, around 2:45 the doctor showed up.  I got all situated on that little bed, the nurse started another ultrasound and the poor gal must have felt my pain.  She looked at the doctor and (without asking me first) asked the doctor if I could use the bathroom.  Apparently they see a lot of bladders and apparently mine was overly full….again.  

Mad dash to the restroom #3.  Don't mind if I do.

                                                                              

The IVF lab technician (probably more like an actual embryo scientist or something sophisticated) wheeled our embryos into the room in an incubator and it was such a bizarre feeling that washed over me.  I had completely forgotten the embryos arrived in an incubator.  There are so many things in the room that make you feel like it could and should be just another regular pregnancy story.  The presence of an incubator (of course only if they think your baby may need it), the ultrasound machine, looking sideways at your husband by your side.  And then reality creeps back in and you realize you're not pregnant yet…all of this is just for the simple act of TRYING to get pregnant.

As the sophisticated lab technician came into the room she said "Oh, I remember y'all from the race! I even wore my yellow bandana for y'all!"  It was a sweet moment and we were very appreciative of her extra effort.

The doctor handed us our picture of our embryos and they're average and slightly below average.

Embryos are graded from 1-5.  1 being not so great, 2 being okay, 3: average, 4: excellent, 5: stellar and almost impossible to get. 

Ours were a 3-, 3-, & 2+.  For our last FET our embryos were a 3+, 2+, and a 2.  

Looks like we're pretty much in the same boat as last time.
They implanted all three.

We were also informed that the other two embryos we had thawed did not survive the thawing process. 

Which means, if this doesn't work, we're definitely back to square one.

   

I apologize for the the weird photo below, but I think it's pretty cool.  Not too many people get photos like that!  

   

After the procedure (which went perfectly), I was given instructions to lay down for 30 minutes.  And it happened AGAIN!  5 minutes into my bed rest, I had to pee.  The struggle was real and I held out to 15 minutes before I made Paul open the door for the nurse.  I was comforted by the doc's words when I had asked about bed rest.  "Well you can't shake them out.", was his response.  Thankfully, the nurses took pity on me and let me go.  If you or someone you know ever has an FET, please tell them drinking a full 32 ounces right before your procedure is not a necessity!!!

After my final potty break, I was super relaxed and my mind started to wander all over the place.

 It occurred to me this could very easily be the closest thing I get to being pregnant.  That statement does not negate my hope, my optimism, my desire to be pregnant.  

It is based out of reality and probability. There are so many variables, so many different scenarios for our future and I wanted to capture that one moment where nothing but hope and the possibility of a miracle surrounded us.  Apparently, Paul was not so contemplative since I managed to catch him just before he had a really big yawn.

        

When we arrived home last time, I remember thinking what a HUGE thing we had done.  I was convinced no one else ever had to go through what we had just gone through.  I was worried about what I should/shouldn't be eating, whether or not I should lay down or sit up. I was mindful not to eat anything cold because that was advice from a message board. I was so focused on every.little.ridiculous.detail.

Since we have been home, I've actually had to remind myself what happened earlier this afternoon.
It almost felt like this was a perfectly normal day off.

Half of my heart is guarded, half of my heart is awaiting my moment of pure joy.
The difference this time, is that I KNOW my moment of pure joy will show up in one way or another…in whatever way He has planned for us.

When we got home, it dawned on me that some couples may have photos from the day or night their child was conceived. I'm sure no one but the couple may know the symbolism of that photo, but the couple could always look at that photo together and know the true meaning behind it.
Maybe it was a party, maybe it was a wedding reception, maybe a date night, maybe a chili cook off festival.

In an effort to keep our situation light hearted and fun, we decided we should have one of those photos, too.
Just in case this plays out like we hope.
We survived FET #2.  

   

Cheers to the longest two weeks ever.