There's so much context wrapped up into that blog title and I'm not even sure where to begin.
First off, let me apologize if you have that Frozen song stuck in your head.
I hope I'm not the only one who hates that song.
(Though if you didn't, you probably do now!)
(Though if you didn't, you probably do now!)
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Next week is shaping up to be a really, really big week in the Ziolkowski household. I have bloodwork scheduled on two different days and Friday will be my 30th birthday.
Honestly, I'll be shocked if I make it to bloodwork day #1. When I say bloodwork, I'm referring to the fact that the results will tell me if I'm pregnant or not. As I mentioned in my last blog post, I won't be peeing on any sticks this time around. So, while 'bloodwork' sounds simple enough, it has a ginormous meaning behind it.
I woke up in the middle of the night Wednesday night (early Thursday morning) with what felt like my usual pre-period cramps. I've tracked my cycle long enough and know my body well enough to know that those pre-period cramps usually mean my period will show up within the next 2-3 days. If I make it through the weekend, I'll be very surprised. If I actually have to go in for bloodwork and if they tell me I'm pregnant, it'll be dumbfounding, mind blowing, earth shattering news. You may just have to pick me up off the ground and I have never once passed out in my life (unless you count the time when I was a baby and passed out in my mom's arms because I was so constipated...but that's another story!)
That's how well I think I know my body.
Again, it does not mean that my hope is lost. Remember my hope lies in us becoming parents one day. That hope never goes away. My hope for a successful FET using 3 embryos from the same batch where 15 embryos have died already...well that just statistically works against us.
Please keep all the 'but it only takes one!' or 'but pregnancy symptoms can mock period symptoms!" comments to yourself.
Trust me, no one will be happier than me (except Paul) for me to be proven wrong.
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'Expectations' is such a loaded, heavy word. As if one word can somehow possess all your hopes, your dreams, your life.
From the simplest thing like expecting your coffee to be hot when it's served to you, to the largest thing like expecting to get to be parents.
We even use the word to describe a pregnancy!
The most basic definition of the word 'expecting' (when used as a verb) is to look forward to; regard as likely to happen; anticipate the occurrence or the coming of.
You don't expect to get sucker punched by life. Maybe it's a sudden loss (a loved one/friend, your job, your house, your pet). Maybe it's an unexpected diagnosis (cancer, a disease). Whatever it is, most of us don't go around using the word 'expecting' in a negative connotation.
I never expected to reach my 30th birthday and still not be a momma. My life plan was three kids by 30. I've mentioned my expectations for my life before...college graduation, marriage, kids, stay at home mom. Personally, I can't imagine living a life focusing on all the 'what ifs' or possibilities if my expectations didn't play out like I thought.
But then, one day, you realize they haven't played out like you thought. You see your expectations slowly circle down the drain and you learn to re-evaluate your life. And you realize, God has met some greater expectations than you could have ever imagined for yourself.
(Side note: Our infertility journey and, consequently, our life, has been highly impacted by a decision to seek God more into our lives. I won't shy away from talking about how our relationship with Him has made the biggest and most profound imprint on our souls and our outlook on life.)
I'll say it a thousand times over...when I met Paul I knew I had met the man I was going to marry. He is sarcastic, funny, and kind. He is a hard worker and has a very serious & mature side (which I need because I have never handled 'flighty' or 'immature' very well). He gives me the right balance of personal space and emotion (remember, I'm not a 'feeler', I'm a 'thinker'). He is supportive and helpful. He makes me feel safe and loved. Most all of these qualities, I knew from the very beginning. I like to think we're a fairly balanced couple (though I totally wear the pants! ;) )
God met one major expectation for me that I didn't know I would need when He led me to be Paul's wife. When God made Paul, He made him a perfect fit for me and molded him perfectly for how to handle our infertility story. Paul gave me the most selfless gift anyone could possibly give when we came to the decision that sperm donation would be our next option.
Sperm donation is a subject you approach lightly and it involves a very heavy decision. In the beginning of our journey we realized our expectations were thrown off course. We didn't waver, though...fully expecting IVF to work. When it didn't that first go around, we were crushed.
To come out in public talking openly about the possibility of sperm donation shows just how much our hearts and our expectations have shifted over the years.
I will forever shout my husband's praises to anyone who will listen.
While we continue to pray that we won't have to think about sperm donation for at least the next 9 months, we do know that will be our next step. If not for child #1, then definitely for child #2.
The gift my husband has given to me and to our future is beyond measure and certainly cannot adequately be put into words.
Somehow, my husband has the clarity to realize that being a daddy doesn't mean you necessarily need to provide the DNA. Heaven knows there are plenty of men who provide DNA who aren't daddies.
When I asked Paul if he was 100% okay with moving forward with pursuing sperm donation in the future his simple, yet very heavy statement was "At this point, I will do anything."
In my late teens and early twenties, I had my expectations for the man I would someday marry...funny, strong, mature, sarcastic. I never once thought about needing to ask for a completely selfless man.
When I think about the people I know whose marriages have fallen apart because of infertility and then I think about my husband's most selfless decision, I am fully aware of God's gift to me and His knowledge and ability to provide you with things when you don't even know you need them.
I am one lucky gal to have that man of mine.
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