Musings from an infertile's brain

     Today I had the amazing opportunity to meet one of my blogging friends in person.  It was a meeting that happened out of chance.  We had gotten to know each other more closely through the exchange of emails regarding some pretty personal subject matter.  As it turns out we live less than 2 hours away from each other and she happens to have family who live 5 minutes away from me.  It was a wonderful thing to be able to put a face to someone I already feel like I know on such a deeper level  (infertility blogging will do that!). 

    One of the things that brought us together was religion.  Religion can be a funny thing when you delve into the world of infertility.  If you're anything like me, you might find that the inability to have a baby may color your world gray in areas you were so black and white on pre-infertility. 

     I'll give you a warning here, what I'm about to say you may not agree with.  It might not be how you see things, but I make no apologies for my thoughts.  I am who I am and this is what it is.

     As I've said before I was raised Catholic.  My husband and I met because of this religion specifically.  Not because we were brought together by common beliefs as so many people are, but literally  because of the Catholic church we both chose to attend.  When I spotted him across the sanctuary and knew I needed to meet him.   He randomly happened to join my church when he moved here 8 years ago....choosing my church from the over 10 Catholic Churches in our immediate area. 

    Before we got married my mother-in-law (SUPER SUPER SUPER Catholic) introduced me to NFP (Natural Family Planning).  More like she told me what it stood for, how it worked for them, and the next day a huge box arrived on my doorstep.  I won't lie.  I initially thought it was a giant crock of crap.  I mean the whole pretense behind it is to figure out your cycle so well that you know when you can conceive AND when you CAN'T conceive.  In my opinion, that's still a form of birth control (something we all know Catholics aren't suppose to believe in).   I still feel true no birth control is paying no attention to your cycle what-so-ever....so you legitimately have no idea when you can or cannot conceive.  Which, if you're a smart woman, can be pretty hard to do. 

     But I decided to check out NFP because I figured it certainly couldn't hurt to know my cycle when it came time for us to want a baby.  Now, before you go judging me for being a horrible Catholic (if you haven't already), I've never been on the pill.  Never had to. My periods were never painful enough for me to need it.  And during our first year of marriage, while we weren't 'actively trying', we sure as heck weren't doing anything to prevent it.  So I used NFP and the website My Monthly Cycle to chart my cycles.  And after that first year I realized I was so regular it was ridiculous.  Somehow the computer chart always knew the exact day my period would arrive.  I couldn't throw it off if I had wanted to.  Not eating differently, exercising more or less....nothing threw it off. 

    I know I've got our TTC timeline on the side over there ------>, I'll sum it up a little here for you too.  When we first really started trying in Jan. 2008, I used the charts and the website to guide us.  When we got our BFP in mid-April 2008 we were ecstatic.  3 months of trying and it was soooo easy.  But then, just 3 days after seeing pregnant on a HPT, the bleeding started and didn't stop and I knew it was over.   I wasn't pregnant long enough to be a technical miscarriage, because technically there wasn't much there to miscarry.  An egg had gotten fertilized and had very briefly attached, long enough to start producing HCG but not long enough to start any major developing.  In fact, it's thought that 1 out of every 2 first pregnancies are chemical pregnancies.  This statistic is hard to prove because most women (especially if they aren't TTC) have no idea they would get a positive HPT if they tested;  believing their period is just 2 or 3 days late. 

     As the time span between beginning to have a baby and the present time got larger and larger, my mother-in-law started to suspect we were having difficulty.  When I confided in her that we were going to do some basic testing she told me we couldn't because of the Catholic stance on ART and some of the tests.  Our desire to know what was medically going on outweighed our religion's beliefs.  (Note: I said religion's beliefs....not religious beliefs....there's a huge difference). 

    So we did that basic testing and found out our issues.  Everything works like clockwork with me.  My levels on every test were normal, my HSG results were perfect, and my cycle fantastic.  The problem was with my husbands warriors.  Turns out they're not armed well for any battle...especially one that involves fertilizing an egg.  He's definitely got some soldiers to work with (Thank God), but it's definitely not a strong army.  So it appeared a solution for us would be simple.  Clear cut.  We knew IUI's probably wouldn't work, but wanted to try them anyways.  We sought God's guidance all the way.  Prayed a lot and asked many questions.  But we knew, for us, that what's meant to be will eventually be.  We don't know by what means, but we have faith.  We knew we needed to try every avenue.  It's at this point in our journey that our in-laws are left out of the loop.  Knowing they would judge us and hold their belief in the Catholic's teachings higher than the desperation and desire of their son and daughter in law.  My heart hurts for my husband because of that.

     Okay, phew, this is getting long.  We delve into IVF with ICSI (still believing fertilization is our only issue).  I produce 23 eggs, 21 of them gorgeous.  18 actually fertilize.  Our clinic immediately freezes 9 and keeps out 9; hoping atleast 2 will make it to the 5 day blast stage.  On day 3 we get the call to transfer, because the clinic wants to be on the safe side.  So, we do a 2 embryo transfer on day 3.  Those remaining 7 all die before making it to the 5 day mark.  This for me is where Science and God are very clear cut.  Because science did it's job to fertilize those eggs.  But science cannot make them grow.  That part is in God's hands.  Obviously, we ended the cycle with a BFN.  Our FET resulted that way too.  With that FET we did another 3dt and the remaining embryos all died as well. 

     So now it looks like we may have a possible genetic issue.  And to this I say, thank goodness I didn't whole heartedly rely on NFP.  Our journey would have been sooooo much longer.  I'm a pro at my cycle and that's what NFP helps you understand.  It won't fix crappy sperm or genetic issues. 

     I recently had a conversation with my mother-in-law about our lack of baby status.  For once she didn't shove adoption down my throat, but instead informed me about the Pope John Paul VI Institute in Nebraska.  Look it up. It's pretty interesting.  But here's my problem.  1)Umm, hello, it's in Nebraska and we're on the East Coast.  Now, there are some certified practioner's but the closest one to us is still HOURS away.  Also, the more I read the more I sense they can help women.  But not men issues.  Atleast nothing more than a Holistic doctor could help with. 

    I know I could be so far out in left field, but I just can't understand how this could be a viable option for us.  I really, really wish this could be the solution.  That I could tell my mother-in-law her idea worked.  That this could all be over with. 

    For now my husband and I are left dealing with another side effect of infertility.  Finding where we fit in a religion we love that doesn't support ART. 


Oi vey

*Congratulations if you made it to this point.  Sorry if I offended you!