Somewhere. Somehow.

I often define the past seven years as our 'infertility journey'.  

What I have realized is that I have been describing all but one year of our marriage.  

And after today's news, I can't bear the thought of possibly lumping the next x amount of years into the same category…under the same title. 

This is our married life and I'll be darned if I want something perceived to be negative hanging over it. 

Because, honestly, we're going to be on this journey for a long, long time.

Today's doctor's appointment really only confirmed what's been sitting in the back of my mind for a long while.

There's a hitch in my egg's giddy up. 

Somewhere. Somehow.

Every time I start to think about what could potentially be our issue, I am reminded of the fact that most of our 18 embryos died in a petri dish before day 5.  And that negates anything that could go wrong in my womb.  

Our doctor says they don't typically write off all eggs based on ONE IVF retrieval.  

But, funds are limited around these parts and it looks like that's what we're going to have to do.

Our doctor also said that out of the 84+ eggs my body has ovulated during our married life, one of them should have worked, especially when all other tests come back normal.

While incredibly different, infertility and cancer are A LOT alike. 

Not just the emotions associated with both of these horrible diseases, not just the processing of information that your body is doing something that is completely out of your control, but also the science aspect.

There is no known cure for Alzheimer's.  There is no known cure for cancer.  There is no known cure for infertility.

There are a lot of drugs and treatments and so many different combinations of the drugs/treatments that there is no for sure right way to treat.

Sure they can tell you you have ovarian, testicular, lung, breast, prostate, bone….etc…cancer, but they can't tell you the exact when, why or how your body started to produce those cancerous cells.

Sure they can tell us that males sometimes have crappy sperm or women sometimes have crappy eggs but they can't tell you the exact when, why or how they got to be that way.  

Those unknowns won't ever change unless fundraising shifts away from the 'treatments' and goes towards the 'cause'.  

And, let's be honest, most of us fighting these life altering battles want treatments.  

Because we want a solution to our problems.
Somewhere. Somehow.

My doctor didn't have the results back yet from my chromosome panel.  He said they would be looking for something obvious….like maybe two chromosomes stuck together where they shouldn't be.  But, other than that, there are literally thousands of genes involved in embryo development and scientifically there isn't enough research behind the where, the why and the how to pinpoint those genes or their flukes.

Which means I'll have to come to terms with the fact that my eggs are just shotty.

Which also means that our next step involves either using an egg donor or adopting an embryo.

Embryo donation is definitely cheaper, but has a way longer waiting list.

Egg donor would be ideal because we would love to use Paul's sperm, but that is like doing IVF all over again.

So, it looks like we're putting ourselves back on a five year plan.  

Pinching every penny while still trying to live and enjoy and embrace life (family vacations, date nights, etc.)

Don't laugh when I start begging y'all to buy a t-shirt to help raise some money for our next step.

I've got two tag lines running through my head for a t-shirt design.

"I spent my dough on this shirt so my friends could put a bun in her oven."

or

"I bought this lousy t-shirt so my friends could buy their baby."  

I need sarcasm and humor in everything.

And I know you want to rock a Tee for the Z's.  

(Okay-more about possible t-shirts later.)

My point is that this journey is going to be long and expensive.

We've got the resolve and determination.

I'll dive into a little more behind our appointment in another blog post, as for now…I'll count my blessings and marvel in the joy of getting to walk through life with my best friend and my love.  

And that's all I need.  

We'll conquer this parenting thing.

Somewhere. Somehow.

Elementary School Science

Last week I had some blood work done. 

 

More than just some, I guess you could say.  More like giving eight vials of blood.

 

It was suppose to be seven, but the nurse had a 'whoopsie' and removed the needle after six, stuck me in the other arm, messed up vial #7 and had to get #8. 

I've seen more of LabCorp than I ever cared to.

 

 

The doctor ran a chromosome test and a thrombotic something or other test.  I haven't seen the results yet and it's been another lesson in patience. 

 

As is the case with every scenario I find myself in, I've done a lot of research over the past week. 

 

It never once occurred to me seven years ago that our issue could start at the most basic level...the cell.

 

Suddenly words like phospholipid, cell membrane, endoplasmic reticulum, etc. are all floating in my head again and I'm desperately trying to visualize my styrofoam cell structure project I did in elementary school (or was it middle school?). 

 

Turns out...these things are really crucial to the development of an embryo.

 

Duh.

 

But I mean like really, really important. 

 

And I'm praying somewhere in that blood work something is glaringly, blatantly wrong.

 

Because if I have to follow up questions with more questions for very much longer I just might scream.

 

Or eat more ice cream.

 

I have a co-worker who likes to say to me "Gosh, Katie, you know more about baby making than anyone else!"  Usually I want to reply back with an "Obviously I don't or I would have made one by now!"

 

But I know what she means. 

Everyday I become more aware of just how miraculous it is to conceive.

 

When you really stop to consider all of the bajillion (yes, I meant baJillion) things that can go wrong, it's a wonder any of us are here at all. 

 

 

 

P.S. In case you are interested, here's a look at what we'll be diving into/discussing with our doctor at our next appointment! 

 

What the crap does all this mean???!!!

 



To test or not to test?

Or in trying to conceive lingo…

To pee on a stick or not?  

I'd venture to guess that most adult women will pee on a home pregnancy test (hpt) strip at some point in their life.  

Hopefully it'll be in a positive context, but we have to be honest and acknowledge there will be several "Oh Shit" tests, too. 

And the test will either be positive or negative.

But the truth won't always match up with what the test tells you.

There will be false positives and false negatives. 

(PSA-In this post I'm specifically referring to taking the test really early…usually before your missed period. I'm also choosing to focus on actually wanting to get pregnant.  If you don't want to be pregnant then just flip flop the results and the emotions.) 

Maybe you've tested too early or maybe you ovulated later than usual. Either way…this could lead to a false negative.  There's simply not enough hCG in your system yet for the test to register as positive. So you go a few extra days and hopefully you're aware enough to realize you've missed your period.  The down side to a false negative is that maybe you make some unhealthy decisions for a few days or miss out on some early prenatal care (like taking a prenatal vitamin).  The other down side is maybe you become emotionally crushed.  Maybe you have so much riding on a hpt that a negative is devastating to you.  By waiting just a few days more, you'll have a better understanding of what's happening with your body.

In my case, I've now had three false positives.  The test registers as positive because there's enough hCG in my system.  But the positive result is absolutely no indication to what kind of pregnancy you're going to end up having.  And you end up (hopefully) ecstatic because you've just seen two lines or a smiley face or a plus sign and then a few days later your world comes crashing down around you because it's ended in a chemical pregnancy.

And that brings me to the point of this post.  

Are those early detection home pregnancy tests a good thing or a bad thing?

Do the benefits outweigh the costs?

Every single woman who has taken one of those tests knows the ensuing three-five minutes of anxiety, wonder, fear, excitement.  

In my case, I'm not sure if I'll ever really believe an hpt again.

HPT's have grown in popularity in the past twenty years.  Companies are getting fancier (digital displays) and earlier (five days before your missed period!).  Women everywhere are paying the price of the competition in the hpt department.

HPT's didn't start to become readily available until the late 70's-early 80's.

Have you ever heard the old saying "She killed the rabbit?" It meant a gal was pregnant.  Back in the 50's and 60's a woman's urine sample was injected into a rabbit.  A rabbit's body couldn't handle the hCG and if a woman's urine contained the hCG it would kill the rabbit.  Usually, by the time the test was complete a woman could figure out if she was pregnant or not.  It took a while to procure a rabbit and get the results back!

If you're really interested in the history of pregnancy tests you can read about it here.

This past Thursday, I was so mad about getting yet another 'false positive', I could have become an advocate for getting those hpt's taken off the shelf.  

My issue is not with hpt's in general, but rather the early detection tests.  

(Though it's become harder to distinguish the difference.)

I have always been under the assumption that those pregnancy tests registered a beta number over 25.  But it's more like 5.  

FIVE!

I was SHOCKED when I found out my beta was an 8 on Thursday, yet I had gotten a positive result that morning.  

It means those tests are sooooo sensitive to hCG now that they are probably providing a lot of unnecessary emotional heartache for women.

And that's the negative side to testing early.

But they are also providing women with the knowledge of a pregnancy earlier, which hopefully translates to better prenatal care. 

And that is always positive.

But here's another huge positive to testing early…especially for anyone in the infertility community.

I now know that I have had three chemical pregnancies because I tested early.  

Before this third time, I wouldn't have even considered this a positive.

With my first positive result, I tested on the day I expected my period to arrive.

For three days, I had positive pregnancy tests before it finally showed up.

I don't even know the correct timing of my cycle with the frozen embryo transfer, so those positive pregnancy tests were almost null and void in my mind.

But this third time, I've had a little revelation.

I knew I had done the IUI with donor sperm.  Which means, I knew I had a higher likelihood of becoming pregnant (because all along we have been thinking the problem was us together).  So I tested at day 28 or 14dpo even though I tend to have a 31-33 day cycle.  (Sorry for the TMI, but I need you to know to validate my point.) And, although faint, I had positive pregnancy tests for three days.  I fully expected my period to be at least a day late…but it showed up right on time (Day 32).

Which brings up the question, how many chemical pregnancies have I possibly missed over the past four years?  

I went from July 2010 to September 2014 without using an hpt because my cycle was never late.

But this cycle just proved that I could have had a positive result and still started on time.

And because I tested early this time, I have now moved into the 'recurrent loss' category.

Which, although sucky, is a huge blessing.  It opens doors to new testing…some of which may even be covered by insurance!  GASP!!!

 I'd still probably advise most women to stick to the using hpt's after you've missed your period to hopefully save yourself from such raw heartache.  

But if you've been trying to conceive for months and months with no luck, then test early.  If you can emotionally handle the results month after month, then use the hpt's month after month.  It will help paint a better picture of your fertility. 

If you're worried about the cost of those hpt's…then use the dollar tree ones.  They may be less fancy, but they do the trick!

Given what I just discovered this past week, I wish I had used them each month so I could have even more knowledge about our trying to conceive journey.

Pee away, ladies!

One day at a time

The confirmation of yet another dropping beta on Thursday and the arrival of my trusty cycle on Friday threatened to send me into the same tailspin I was on four years ago.

It's the unknowns and the inability to have any say in what my body does or doesn't do that sucks the air out of my lungs.  

So, I have to actively put all the coping mechanisms I've taught myself over the past four years into place.
Little by little I realize I can breath again.

Yesterday afternoon I called my RE's office and cancelled my ultrasound for Monday.  There's no point in paying a co-pay and doing an ultrasound if we aren't jumping into the next round of treatments. I set up a consult appointment for mid-November so we could have an in depth discussion with our doctor.  We have a whole bunch of new questions and quite frankly, we need his honest opinion and suggestions before we make our next move.

About two hours after I called, the IUI nurse called me and told me that she had spoken with my doc and he wanted to cancel my ultrasound for Monday and wanted to run a panel of bloodwork on me again before we used our last vial of sperm.  He wants to test for anything that would give a clue to recurrent miscarriages.  She hadn't checked the appointment book to see that we had already cancelled our appointment for Monday.

I immediately put this in my "God's continued provision/blessings" column.

I am so grateful I have a fertility doctor who makes executive decisions based on his level of knowledge and who has the awareness and gumption to take action.

And I am so grateful our gut instinct matched up with our doctor's thoughts.

The infertility path can be absolutely terrifying because you HAVE to let go of everything you thought was going to happen in your future.  You have absolutely no way of knowing what it will end up looking like either.

So you just remind yourself that every day is a gift.
And you take it one day at a time.

It's a new dawn. It's a new day.

It's really hard to be angry or sad for very long when you're acutely aware of God's blessings. 

Trust me…everything in my head is screaming at me to still be pissed.

But I just can't.

That's more exhausting to me than focusing on the positives.

And I realize that I don't just say "We're going to be alright" out loud…but my heart yells it back at me.

Seriously, how is there any room for any doubt of God's awesomeness ALL of the time when I wake up to views like this?

       


      

Last night Paul and I were able to have a very in-depth conversation about our next steps.
Even for this little miracle, I am grateful. At the beginning of our journey, Paul would be closed off to conversations like this. The pain, the hurt far too real for him to express in words.  Many of the decisions of our early infertility journey were made by me…with him being a silent follower.
I am so grateful to have my husband, my partner, my love able to now actively participate in conversations about our future.  Not because he didn't care before, but because he's grown in his faith and his courage over the course of the years.

Our most persistent question last night was simply "What do we do now?"  I briefly mentioned in yesterday's post that I was either thinking egg problem or hostile uterus problem.  Considering 10 out of our 18 original embryos all died in the petri dish before developing into a 5 day blastocyst leads me to strongly believe the problem is my eggs.  Not that I have a blaring problem with my egg quality (because they can usually see that)….but that I have an unseen problem in the genetic sequencing that gets the cells to continue to divide and divide and divide. And that kind of scares the hell out of me.

Yesterday when I spoke to the IUI nurse, we tentatively set up an ultrasound appointment on Monday. Before we do an IUI round with injectables, they wanted to see me on day 1-3 of my cycle for an ultrasound.  Just to make sure everything looked 'okay'.  Then I would start on fertility meds on Day 4. Paul and I just couldn't figure out if we wanted to dive right into the next cycle knowing that donor sperm probably wouldn't help us now or if we wanted to wait and see if there was any other testing we could do before using our last vial of donor sperm.  I was sure I would start my cycle on Saturday, which would put us right on track.

But wouldn't you know Aunt Flo arrived bright and early this morning.
I am so grateful my body made the decision for me.  This puts us a day behind the needed timeline and I'm okay with that.

Paul and I have been VERY deliberate over the past seven years to never do a fertility treatment around the holidays.  We never wanted any negativity to overshadow the most joyous time of the year.  The decision to immediately try again was most tarnished by the simple fact that we're already into November. This morning my body worked right on time and our holidays can remain happy. With all the difficult decisions continuing to loom in our future, I'll take the break my body just gave me.

 We'll slow things down and cut ourselves some slack this holiday season.
The most painful part of this is letting go of the goal to bring a child home in my 30th year.
 I'm kind of still pissed that my body is not matching up with my resolve and my determination.

If I had to put money on it, my bet would be that our future now holds an egg donor in it.  If you thought conversations about using a sperm donor rarely occurred in our house, you were right.  I promise conversations about an egg donor have NEVER surfaced before yesterday. S.O.B.

But that will be YEARS in the future.  That amount of money is going to take forever for us to save.
So if you win the lottery, keep us in mind! ;)
Jenn, Can we apply to be a 2016 featured couple for the Race to Parenthood 5k?

Thank you a million times over for all the kind words you gave us yesterday.
It was a most difficult day for us for a variety of reasons, but we are aware that our most difficult days won't ever touch some other people's most difficult days.

Our blessings still outweigh our heartache.

It's a new dawn. It's a new day.

Mid-October

Let's look back at how October 2014 shaped up for us. 

We started off the month with confirmation that my beta number was dropping and a miscarriage was immanent. When it finally arrived on Tuesday, Oct. 7th, Paul and I were still disappointed, even though we had been expecting it. 

By Wednesday afternoon (on my day off), something inside us shifted.  We made the decision to throw our sperm donation option into high gear.  We were ready to fight infertility and decided another month off would only prolong our journey to parenthood.  A fire had been relit in our souls and we used the race against the clock (the ovulation clock) as motivation.

We know ourselves as a couple.  We're either all in or all out.  Take dinners, for example.  Paul LOVES to cook.  I have a cookie side hobby and don't care much for cooking. (I'd rather be baking.)  So...dinners fall in his chore column.  Most nights he knows exactly what he wants to make.  He's found a new recipe he wants to try or knows if he wants an easy dinner night to use something tried and true (like tacos).  Every now and then one of us suggests a 'date night', which is code for 'Paul doesn't feel like cooking and there's a new restaurant we want to try."  So we pick a place to eat.  But, once in a blue moon, no 'date night' is staked on the evening, Paul doesn't feel like cooking, we've forgotten to pull something out of the freezer, we don't feel like going to the grocery store and neither one of us feels like making a decision.....and we end up eating Smart Ones from the freezer. 

We either know exactly what we want or we hem and haw until frozen dinners end up being our only option.

Not to equate something as minute as dinner options to something as large as fertility treatments, but it's kind of the same thought process. 

We were either actively involved in making decision after decision for our treatment schedule or we hem and hawed for.ev.er. 

We knew we needed to make a decision and jump in quickly.

By Wednesday night, we had perused through the cryobank websites enough to know which sperm bank we were going to use.  And not just which sperm bank, but we had actually picked out our top three candidates. 

Within 24 hours we went from planning a November insemination with donor sperm to having our donor options picked out.

On Thursday, October 9th, I called the sperm bank and had a wonderful conversation with the gal who answered the phone.  She answered all of my questions and gave me some real honest answers when I asked about our three top choices. 

I also spoke with our fertility clinic and was informed that based off my cycle, they would need the sample in the clinic by Thursday the 16th. 

No time for lolly gagging around here.

By Friday, the appropriate paperwork had been filled out and I officially placed an order for two vials of sperm.  Have I mentioned before how freakin' weird it is to say that?  I'm not sure that's something I'll ever get used to.

One of our vials was shipped on Monday and Wednesday I received the confirmation email that our sperm had arrived!

It's been soooooooo odd to not be on any medications or injections.  All I'm doing is using home ovulation tests and waiting for a little solid smiley face to appear.  I feel like I'm not doing enough most days.  Then I have to remember to remind myself that the average person doesn't even use ovulation tests. I've seen two blinking smiley faces so far, so at this moment (Friday, Oct. 17th at 1:00 pm), it looks like our IUI will happen tomorrow. 

In keeping with the counting our blessings theme...my doctor is the one who is on call this weekend.  So grateful that I'll get to go to his office for this procedure. 

It's the little things that make all the difference.



C'est la vie

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

(Warning: There may be a lot of expletives in this post cause honestly, I feel like dropping a lot of them…and I kind of think I have the right to.)

So you've probably noticed my lack of blog posts recently.  Mostly in part because I just haven't had the time at home or at work to get one written, but mainly because I didn't want to lie to you guys.

Paul and I decided to use our first vial of donor sperm in October…on October 21st to be exact.  And we patiently waited another two weeks. We wanted to keep it a surprise for you guys.  I realize that although I process things very logically that some of you process things very emotionally.  And I didn't want you guys to have to emotionally do the two week wait with us again.  That's not fair to you.

This past Monday evening we took this picture. 

And we shared our amazing news with my immediate family and a handful of our closest, dearest friends who've been riding this roller coaster with us. 

We were ELATED. 

I hadn't used any fertility drugs and we'd only done the IUI.

That's like having sex ONCE during your fertile window and it actually working.

We couldn't believe it. 

I had a sneaking suspicion last Wednesday (Oct. 28) that something was going on.  You get a little twinge, a little pull in your uterus and I felt it.  And then I felt the same major cramping that I felt last time with the positive FET and I knew there was some implantation going on.  Which is why I took the test late Monday evening.  I knew what my body was trying to tell me and I knew that I was right at that 14dpo window where it would show up on a test.  

So I had bloodwork done on Tuesday and my beta came back at a whopping 15. 

15 y'all.

But I didn't let it discourage me because I knew I was technically 4 days before my missed period.  

And so I scheduled one for 2 days later…this morning.

Remember, betas are suppose to double every 48 hours or so.

This morning I took another pregnancy test…just like I did yesterday morning…just like I did Tuesday morning. And I swore my line was getting fainter and I could tell that anything I was strongly feeling on Monday/Tuesday was slowing down.

And I knew in my heart what the results were going to be.

And I'm so pissed that I was right AGAIN.

My beta is down to an 8.

8 y'all.

Which either means that my eggs have a major hitch in their developing sequence or that I have a hostile uterus.  

Which leaves us with a whole lot of "What the fuck do we do now?"

I'm telling y'all.  This is the rawness…the suckiness…the ugliness of infertility that people try so hard to convey into words.  I'm not sure how to adequately express my desire to throw up, punch something, bawl my eyes out, curl up into a ball, or desperately needing to win the lottery in words.  It's all happening simultaneously and I'm kind of interested to see which one wins.  

The most awful thing about this time is the hope that was just shattered into a tiny million little pieces. 

For two days we actually let ourselves dream.

We pictured ourselves bringing home a baby on July 14th.  

We actually talked about the next nine months as if it mattered.

And those stupid little early detection pregnancy tests are sitting on my counter with their little two pink lines saying "Got ya again, dreamer."

Shame on me.

This infertility shit is for the birds.

Let me tell ya.