It's a new dawn. It's a new day.

It's really hard to be angry or sad for very long when you're acutely aware of God's blessings. 

Trust me…everything in my head is screaming at me to still be pissed.

But I just can't.

That's more exhausting to me than focusing on the positives.

And I realize that I don't just say "We're going to be alright" out loud…but my heart yells it back at me.

Seriously, how is there any room for any doubt of God's awesomeness ALL of the time when I wake up to views like this?

       


      

Last night Paul and I were able to have a very in-depth conversation about our next steps.
Even for this little miracle, I am grateful. At the beginning of our journey, Paul would be closed off to conversations like this. The pain, the hurt far too real for him to express in words.  Many of the decisions of our early infertility journey were made by me…with him being a silent follower.
I am so grateful to have my husband, my partner, my love able to now actively participate in conversations about our future.  Not because he didn't care before, but because he's grown in his faith and his courage over the course of the years.

Our most persistent question last night was simply "What do we do now?"  I briefly mentioned in yesterday's post that I was either thinking egg problem or hostile uterus problem.  Considering 10 out of our 18 original embryos all died in the petri dish before developing into a 5 day blastocyst leads me to strongly believe the problem is my eggs.  Not that I have a blaring problem with my egg quality (because they can usually see that)….but that I have an unseen problem in the genetic sequencing that gets the cells to continue to divide and divide and divide. And that kind of scares the hell out of me.

Yesterday when I spoke to the IUI nurse, we tentatively set up an ultrasound appointment on Monday. Before we do an IUI round with injectables, they wanted to see me on day 1-3 of my cycle for an ultrasound.  Just to make sure everything looked 'okay'.  Then I would start on fertility meds on Day 4. Paul and I just couldn't figure out if we wanted to dive right into the next cycle knowing that donor sperm probably wouldn't help us now or if we wanted to wait and see if there was any other testing we could do before using our last vial of donor sperm.  I was sure I would start my cycle on Saturday, which would put us right on track.

But wouldn't you know Aunt Flo arrived bright and early this morning.
I am so grateful my body made the decision for me.  This puts us a day behind the needed timeline and I'm okay with that.

Paul and I have been VERY deliberate over the past seven years to never do a fertility treatment around the holidays.  We never wanted any negativity to overshadow the most joyous time of the year.  The decision to immediately try again was most tarnished by the simple fact that we're already into November. This morning my body worked right on time and our holidays can remain happy. With all the difficult decisions continuing to loom in our future, I'll take the break my body just gave me.

 We'll slow things down and cut ourselves some slack this holiday season.
The most painful part of this is letting go of the goal to bring a child home in my 30th year.
 I'm kind of still pissed that my body is not matching up with my resolve and my determination.

If I had to put money on it, my bet would be that our future now holds an egg donor in it.  If you thought conversations about using a sperm donor rarely occurred in our house, you were right.  I promise conversations about an egg donor have NEVER surfaced before yesterday. S.O.B.

But that will be YEARS in the future.  That amount of money is going to take forever for us to save.
So if you win the lottery, keep us in mind! ;)
Jenn, Can we apply to be a 2016 featured couple for the Race to Parenthood 5k?

Thank you a million times over for all the kind words you gave us yesterday.
It was a most difficult day for us for a variety of reasons, but we are aware that our most difficult days won't ever touch some other people's most difficult days.

Our blessings still outweigh our heartache.

It's a new dawn. It's a new day.