The confirmation of yet another dropping beta on Thursday and the arrival of my trusty cycle on Friday threatened to send me into the same tailspin I was on four years ago.
It's the unknowns and the inability to have any say in what my body does or doesn't do that sucks the air out of my lungs.
So, I have to actively put all the coping mechanisms I've taught myself over the past four years into place.
Little by little I realize I can breath again.
Yesterday afternoon I called my RE's office and cancelled my ultrasound for Monday. There's no point in paying a co-pay and doing an ultrasound if we aren't jumping into the next round of treatments. I set up a consult appointment for mid-November so we could have an in depth discussion with our doctor. We have a whole bunch of new questions and quite frankly, we need his honest opinion and suggestions before we make our next move.
About two hours after I called, the IUI nurse called me and told me that she had spoken with my doc and he wanted to cancel my ultrasound for Monday and wanted to run a panel of bloodwork on me again before we used our last vial of sperm. He wants to test for anything that would give a clue to recurrent miscarriages. She hadn't checked the appointment book to see that we had already cancelled our appointment for Monday.
I immediately put this in my "God's continued provision/blessings" column.
I am so grateful I have a fertility doctor who makes executive decisions based on his level of knowledge and who has the awareness and gumption to take action.
And I am so grateful our gut instinct matched up with our doctor's thoughts.
The infertility path can be absolutely terrifying because you HAVE to let go of everything you thought was going to happen in your future. You have absolutely no way of knowing what it will end up looking like either.
So you just remind yourself that every day is a gift.
And you take it one day at a time.
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