Grateful

I find it odd as I sit here to write this that the only feeling I currently have is one of gratitude.

 

Today's blood work confirmed what I have secretly been suspecting all week long.  My beta numbers have dropped from 75 to 71 which shows the beginning of a miscarriage (or in my case another chemical pregnancy since I have yet to make it to an ultrasound.)

 

Yes, a part of me is sad that we have no more embryos of our DNA combined available, but a bigger part of me is so, so relieved to have the clear answer.

 

I was praying for the clear cut answer in today's blood work.  My biggest fear (which was minimal considering I know we'll handle things as they come), was that my number would rise but only slightly; leaving us in the exact same predicament.

 

I am grateful that I don't have to do another two weeks of possibly unnecessary injections in my rump.  I am grateful that my body can get this process over with before too much time passed. I am grateful that saving these next two weeks means we get to start our next step (hopefully) two weeks sooner. 

 

We chose to marvel in the joy of our surprise pregnancy announcement last week and because we chose to live in each individual moment, we never let ourselves really think about actually bringing home a baby in nine months.  I was due around Paul's birthday next year and while that birthday may end up being bittersweet, we learned long ago that the specific date your child is born on does not matter at all.  And, hopefully, when Paul's birthday finally does roll around we'll be focused on welcoming a baby a few months down the road. 

 

I am grateful I know my body well enough to have mentally braced myself for this moment.  Last Friday and Saturday I felt pregnant.  My body had enough hCG in it to register some pregnancy symptoms...mostly being tired and having a really sore chest. Starting Monday evening through now, I haven't felt anything.  In fact, I felt some slight cramping last night and thought "My body is ready to start this process."  I am grateful to have been given the green light to officially stop my meds.

 

My heart goes out to our IVF nurse who has to make these calls to women.  She was so gentle and sweet and I think I surprised her when I told her we knew exactly what our next step will be.  She probably handles all sorts of reactions and emotions and she was so kind to explain just what will happen next for us when I started bombarding asking questions.  I think she was grateful that I wasn't a crying, blubbery mess.  She actually said that I don't need to wait another cycle if we wanted to jump right into things.  That gives us about a 10-14 day turn around time and I know we can't get our stuff together that fast!  At this point, we're looking at taking our next step mid-November.

 

I am grateful that all of our children will be able to have the same genetic make up now.  Yes, I would have been over the moon to have a 1/2 Paul, 1/2 Kate baby, but I know genetics does not make the love you feel for a child.  

 

Thank you for sharing our excitement and our joy and delighting in our positive pregnancy result.  Our memories from the past week will be forever happy and wonderful.  It gave us the little sneak peek we needed to see what we've been missing all these years.  It reaffirmed our resolve to be parents (though trust me, more cruises and trips to Europe sure are tempting!!) We hope you'll stick around for our next adventure.  We promise not to cry wolf too many times with those positive pregnancy results!