Resolutions

     So one of the resolutions DH and I made together was to really try to make it to church every weekend.  We usually go about twice a month as DH and I don't often make it on the weekends he works (every other weekend), but this year....we wanted to change that.  We went last weekend to start the year off right and knew this weekend would be the real test.  DH committed to going straight to church after work.  For a normal person that wouldn't be a big deal, but for DH it means he has to sit in his police uniform for an extra hour.  Gun belt and bullet proof vest and all.  
     I meet him at church...and instantly realize that it's baptism weekend.  "Oh great" I think.  "Surely, I can't back out now, can I?!"   I spy my aunt and uncle and little girl cousin, who, in all her 7 yr. old innocence, looks up at me and says "Look Katie, see all the babies!"  Insert dagger into heart. 
     See we're Catholic and in the Catholic church we take our baptisms VERY seriously.  Aside from marriage it's almost the most important of the 7 sacraments you participate in, eventhough it technically counts as your child's first.  But think about it.   Your baptism, first Holy Communion and first Reconciliation are pretty much decided for you.  Even your Confirmation (which technically you make that decision) is pretty much a given next step.  Sure there are those few who have the insight in high school to actually know what religion means to them and whether or not they want to remain Catholic but for the most part one usually just goes along with the rest of their peers, because the alternative of not getting confirmed would just KILL your parents.  And then comes marriage.  You either decide to have a Catholic wedding or you don't.  That decision depends on how strong your faith is and who you marry.  For DH and I, both being raised Catholic...a full out Catholic mass, communion and all, was the only way to go.   But then you have babies.  And YOU make the decision to raise your children in the same faith.  And you get to stand in front of a congregation full of people who have probably watched you grow up.  It's as much of a moment for you as it is for the baby.  It's your turn to say..."See, here I am.  I lived my life respectfully and now I'm choosing this for my child as well."  And you have an entire congregation proudly joining in your celebration of you, your faith and your baby.   Ask any strong Catholic and I bet they'll say after the birth of their baby, they instantly start thinking about the baptism.
      Luckily I go to a HUGE Catholic church, with over 2,000 registered FAMILIES.   Which is nice because on those weekends I don't go to church, I don't get the third degree from anyone.  But tonight....tonight I knew who 2 of the 4 babies being baptized were.  The first one was an adorable little girl born to the sister of a guy I was really good friends with in HS.  He's a year older than me and his sister is a few years older than him.  Well he has a son and a daughter of his own.  (got married a year before me) and his sister now has a son and daughter of her own.  The second one is to a girl who is my sister's age (4 years younger than me...so umm..22 or 23) and got married last year. 
      And the pain...the emotion....it was so.....RAW.   I could feel the tears well up in my eyes.  I'm not sure how I made it through the entire mass without bawling.  If you know anything about Catholicism, you'll understand what I mean when I say I'm pretty sure their main teaching is on reproducing as quickly and often as you can.  It's no big secret that most traditional Catholic families are big.  Heck, I'm the oldest of 5.
       So there DH and I sat.  Desperately wanting to baptize a child of our own AND feeling crappy for not being able to reproduce. 
       I know it struck a chord with my DH too.  My usually reserved-about-the-whole-infertility-thing-DH posted "well church was kinda difficult tonight" as his FB status. 
       Hmm...maybe I'll have a better chance at conceiving if I change my name to Mary?!!!

       JUST KIDDING.

       I'm not sure how this whole resolution thing is going to pan out. 

       How about a church for Infertiles?  Who's with me?