Bitterness

Some nights, deep in the shadows of my bedroom, I let bitterness in. It fills my soul and consumes my thoughts and it feels good. Why? Because I am ANGRY! Not at God, not at myself, not at the way our life has been turned upside down. Angry because it is still not "OUR TIME", angry because I log into facebook and find out another person who "SHOULDN'T" be pregnant is, angry because another day brings unanswered questions. I don't let myself feel this way very often. What would be the point? I'm not into self-pity. Somebody always has it worse. But occasionally, I find it healthy to get mad. Healthy to throw up a couple Why Me's? to God.

So why is tonight a bitterness night? Because both of my pregnant co-workers were working today. One is married and has already suffered through a miscarriage. (I know...HORRIBLE....that I am only happy for her because she has had to work at becoming pregnant). The other co-worker is a CNA, is unmarried and has an on again/off again relationship with her boyfriend. I'm bitter because this is the story a co-worker in my department relayed to me today. Said co-worker remembered seeing pregnant co-worker take smoke breaks prior to pregnancy, so said co-worker asked pregnant co-worker is she had quit. Pregnant co-worker told her she was down to four a day and how proud she was of that. SERIOUSLY???!!! If you are so selfish that you cannot even quit smoking for the sake of your unborn child for nine months then why did you get chosen to be a mother?

I log onto facebook tonight and see a friend from high school just announced at about 8 weeks that she is pregnant. Good for her for waiting till 8 weeks, that's longer than some people wait. But she just got married. She must have conceived on her wedding night. I would die to have that unexpected surprise.

Facebook is poison.

Paul and I spent the evening watching my two cousins (previously mentioned in another blog post). We got them dinner, took them to play on the playground at the elementary school in our neighborhood, fed them popsicles, watched some baseball and picked our first squash from the garden they helped me plant. And all the while, I knew it was KILLING us. It was breaking my heart to know that my husband is not a father yet, and I'm sure it broke his heart to know I am not a mother yet. We can play family with these boys for only so long. I took them to the grocery store with me and a pregnant woman looked at me with a look saying "Look at that mom and her two boys, she's so good with them, I can't wait to have my baby" And I wanted to rip her head off because she has NO IDEA.

I think an occasional night of bitterness is good for me. It makes me realize how BAD I want to be a good, loving and patient mom. It makes me appreciate what I have, because right before I go to sleep I will count my blessings. TWICE. I cannot go to sleep with a bitter heart. In the morning, I will put on my happy face, because I truly am happy. I am just not complete. And I will pray for courage to face all the happy pregnant women the day wants to throw at me. When the dawn rises it will be peace that fills my soul, bitterness is for the darkness.