Thoughts & Feelings

Many of my thoughts and feelings have changed over the past seven years.

 

 

I like to think I've matured; learning to see the bigger picture and appreciating all the small details along the way. 

 

In the beginning, our infertility was all about us...about me. 

 

Why couldn't we be like everyone else who just drank water and got pregnant?

Why was this happening to us?

The me & us questions were endless.

 

All of our thoughts and feelings were self-centered.  Looking back, I'm convinced the initial "woe is me" attitude that surfaces in the beginning of an infertility journey is nothing more than a basic coping mechanism.  It's survival mode.  When you think you're the only one experiencing one of life's major sucker punches it gives you the drive to DO something about it.  At least it did for us.  We were so focused on trying to dig our way out of that major hole of suck, life around us passed by in (what felt like) a big, unimportant blur.

 

 

For the first three years, I would see a pregnant woman and want to drop kick her in the head (too harsh? Not when you have a barren womb) or at the very least, stab her with my high heel.  My inability to have the ONE thing that is a natural progression of life was compounded by the slap in the face of every pregnant woman who crossed my path.  There was no escaping.  A trip to any store wasn't safe, church wasn't safe, work wasn't safe.  Baby showers were an all day emotional nightmare.  If I actually attended your baby shower within those first 3-4 years, please know you are loved. If I actually helped throw your baby shower, please know you are super, duper loved. 

 

When we quit actively doing fertility treatments cold turkey four years ago, things started to change.  Initially, it was a wonderful emotional, physical and financial reprieve from month after month of treatments.  For three years our life was consumed by doctor appointments, procedures, lab work, more procedures and disappointment. 

 

For me, my thoughts and feelings towards this journey really shifted right at the end of our one year 'sabbatical'. 

 

We found ourselves actually having fun again.  Gone was the sharp, piercing pain of infertility.  Sure, some of those feelings never go away, but infertility has become more like a dull, backache.  You know it's there, but you also know you'll live with it every day.  Every now and then it may flair up, but for the most part it goes unnoticed. 

 

I now see a pregnant woman and wonder about her story.  I say a quick prayer for an easy pregnancy and a smooth birth story for her and then with all my head and heart, I pray she realizes what a blessing and a miracle she has been given. The empathy and happiness I feel when I see a pregnant woman now is a place I never thought I'd get to four years ago.  I'm back to loving baby showers now.  The planning, the throwing, all of it. For that I am grateful for this journey.

 

We're also much more aware of how our journey affects those around us.  We're aware of how difficult it can be for our closest friends and family to tell us they're expecting.  While we still may not want to hear you complain about your child, we know they are your life and we don't mind you sharing your stories about them with us.  Every child is a gift and life is too preciously short.

 

 

But some thoughts and feelings haven't changed. 

 

Today, our embryos are being thawed and I find myself instantly transported back to four years ago.

 

It's so mind boggling to think in a lab room right now, our little embryos are being thawed from their four year deep freeze. 

I find myself in the exact same mental thought process I had back then.  Most women and men don't actually have to pray for their embryo cells to divide and divide some more.

 

I know it sounds totally silly and completely ridiculous, but I have this mental image of me donning a cheerleader uniform (okay, maybe just a t-shirt that says "I want to be your mommy"), standing next to that little petri dish, clapping and cheering and encouraging those little balls of cells to keep dividing and growing.  (You know, because they can actually hear me.)

 

So, if you wouldn't mind and if you have the time, please say a quick prayer for the lab technicians who handle those little embryos and then, if you want, put on your cheerleading uniform and do a little cheer for continued cell division!

 

HIP-HIP-HOORAY,

We want those cells to divide today!!

 

Yeah, infertility makes you go a little crazy. 

 



Time

Let's talk about time for a minute.

 

Time is a funny thing.  There's either too much or not enough. It passes too quickly or drags on forever.  You make up for lost time or look forward to the next time. 

 

You use the word time to describe a duration, season, age, or occasion.  It's also used to describe a rhythm, turn, a frequency.  We use the word time in so many different ways, it's no wonder the English language is so difficult to learn.

 

With infertility, you either try time and time again or you take a time out. 

 

My husband and I just took one big time out.  Our initial one year sabbatical from the infertility roller coaster turned into four years.  Four years doesn't seem like a long time until I realize I could have gone through high school again in those four years. (That thought just sent a shudder down my spine!)

 

My husband and I are just about to close our 7th year of battling infertility and will officially ring in our 8th in January.  I look back on those seven years and I feel like they disappeared in the blink of an eye. But when I think about seven years in the context of going from 6th grade to high school graduation, then seven years seems like a really, really long time.

 

I consider myself to be "seasoned" in this infertility community now.  Gone are the early months (okay-the first three years) of naivety & bitterness.  I started this blog almost five years ago. F.I.V.E

 

A person changes a lot in five years. 

 

We're officially in the process of "Operation bring a child into the Ziolkowski home", so I wanted to start blogging again.   I debated starting a whole new blog, but since you can't often truly understand a person or a situation until you understand their past, I thought it would be more beneficial to reopen this old blog o' mine.

 

If you should take the time to read through those old entries, get yourself some popcorn and change into some comfy clothes first. 

 

Please remember, my thoughts and feelings have grown and matured over the past several years.  Take for example this blog's title and description.  I made that blog title banner on a computer we had five years ago.  I'd love to take the word 'crap' out of the description (as I now realize how beautiful life really is), but in an effort to stay true to my roots (and the fact that I can't change it), I'll keep it.  What you'll read from back then is pure and raw and was only ever intended to be an electronic diary for myself or for people in the infertility community to read. Only a handful of people from back then knew I even kept a blog. If you should read anything that hurts or (even worse) offends you, I am sorry.  My goal in sharing those old entries is to help open people's eyes to the conflicting thoughts and emotions, hard decisions and pain associated with infertility that are often kept behind closed doors.  

 

As is the case with every fertility treatment, my husband and I are full of guarded hope and cautious optimism.  The one thing that has changed in the past seven years is our faith that we will one day be parents.  Period. End of thought.  The means by which we become parents no longer defines us. 

 

So here we go.

It's time. 

 



Early Summer Check In

I've said it many times before...people with children think time flies, but people who have experienced infertility are more acutely aware of how fast time really does slip by. 

For once though, I'm excited for the next couple of months to happen.

As I said back in January, we know exactly where we're supposed to be.  

We have a few more trips planned for the end of the year, but I'm super excited to think about what next year will bring!

2013

Holy Cow. 

I posted once in the entire year of 2012 and it was by accident!  ONE TIME!!!

Most of you are probably long gone by this time, but I'll write anyway.

My husband and I were going to 'get back into the swing of things' in 2012. 

But you know what?  

We were just having too much fun to delve back into the whole TTC world.  

Aside from the first year of our marriage when we weren't actively trying to conceive, the next 3 years were a big, dark blob.

One I don't ever care to revisit.  

We rang in our 5th year of marriage on Disney's private island in the Bahamas.  We went to Finland, Russia, Sweden, Estonia and Iceland last summer.  We got dog number 4.  We found a new church. We learned we'd be gaining a niece (my sister is expecting!) 

We are in a really, really good place.

I never, ever thought we could be not just content, but actually HAPPY living child free.  

It's absolutely amazing.

There are little signs all around and I know exactly which direction our life together is meant to go.

I have no doubt in my mind that we will be parents one day.  

We have our time line figured out.  One that is very personal to us at this time.

If you should happen to read this, just know that we are here, grounded in our faith and loving life.

And if you're wondering where I've been or what I've been up to...check out Kooking in Kate's Kitchen.  

'Til next time!

Arkansas Razorbacks

Living in Virginia I never thought in a million years I'd be asked to make Arkansas Razorback cookies.

But I was.

So I did.

Red icing next to white icing gives me a slight panic attack so I cheated a little.

I made the razorbacks as a royal icing transfer and then just plopped them onto the white flood icing after they were nice and dry and decorated. 

It worked perfectly and I didn't have to worry about waking up to pink cookies in the morning.

The customer loved them and I sure hope her son's team did too!



Eye check

You know you're in the season of life when all your friends are having babies and someone posts a fb status with the word 'semester' in it and you read 'trimester'.

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Traveling

Heading to Florida to go on a Disney cruise to the Western Caribbean and planning our 4 country trip to Europe next summer. This no kid thing might just work out after all.

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