Trying my patience

My body is trying my patience.

I am cramping at the moment. So Aunt Flow should be arriving soon....but she was suppose to show up on Sunday according to the computer. (I track my cycle using a wonderful website... www.mymonthlycycles.com) The computer is ALWAYS right. It's creepy.

I thought all along I was suppose to start on Monday. I even went out of town for the weekend unprepared. I was shocked to log in on Monday and see my date was Sunday. So I waited patiently on Monday. I know I have recently been starting later in the day and not first thing in the morning like I had in the past. So I didn't panic or think twice about it yesterday. But it's almost Wednesday and there's still no sign of it. Let me explain that my period is like clock work. It's so predictable that I couldn't even throw it off with a failed IVF cycle. But I caved and took a test this morning. A BFN. Not that I expected anything different. But for anyone TTC you know how horrible those BFN's are to begin with...let alone when you're period is late and for MOST people they'd be celebrating a BFP!

When I had my chemical pregnancy I got a BFP on a Saturday and started my period on Tuesday evening. But even then I got faint BFP's up until my period started. I got nothing today. I actually journaled that first day that I didn't "FEEL" pregnant.

Do I "FEEL" pregnant now? How the heck would I know? I feel crampy. Very crampy. But as any TTC woman knows that crampy could be because my period is right around the corner or because that egg is nesting right where it should be. The latter is just wishful thinking.

My period has been late 3 times in the past 4 years I've been charting. Once that very first month, when I was two weeks late (Jan. 2008). Doc thinks it was because we were having too much fun! and I was thinking about getting pregnant too much. The second time was over one Thanksgiving. My period just decided it wanted to be 2 days late. Probably because I had just started a new job and was slightly stressed. And the third was my chemical pregnancy.

Google is just as evil as facebook. You can type in anything you want and find anything you want. I usually google the most outrageous thing I can think of...mostly for self torture. Today's google search included "missed period, negative pregnancy test and possibly pregnant" and any variation of those things.

I'm pretty sure that the person who decided you should wait a week between taking pregnancy tests was a man.

Hopefully I'll wake up with Aunt Flow and this stupid waiting game will be over. We wanted to try a FET this month and I can't be stuck in limbo because of my body.

In the meantime....I think I'll go do some googling!!!

baby snatcher

I follow several blogs about infertility and this was the most recent post on one of them.

http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/06/infertile-people-want-to-steal-your-baby/

This post makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I didn't read the article she was referring too, but whether or not I agreed with the way the article was written, I can pretty much say I agree with the fact that the notion an infertile woman would want to steal a baby is pretty ridiculous.

We don't want YOUR baby. We want OUR baby.

I especially liked the paragraph about how annoying it is to hear unsolicited advice. If I hear someone else tell me "You can always adopt". I may SCREAM. Sure adoption can be miraculous and sure there are wonderful success stories, but let me give you a few basic facts. It CAN take as long as going through fertility processes and can cost just as much money and can end in the same heartbreak. P and I have thought long and hard over the decisions we make towards creating our family. I wouldn't dare tell my pregnant friend due in August that "She really should have conceived a month early..July is sooooo much better". So don't tell me that adoption is the way to go. I was relating our visit to the Doc with a friend who has the best intentions and I told her if I conceived in July I would be due in April. Her response "APRIL IS A GREAT MONTH." Really...I know you're trying be supportive but REALLY. And geez...I always though April was such a crummy month BECAUSE THAT's WHAT I THINK ABOUT.

News flash people. I H.A.T.E stupid comments.

Don't Stop Believing

In the words of my favorite band...Journey and favorite show..Glee.

We had our appointment with our fertility specialist this afternoon and as per usual, left feeling more confused. It's so UNNERVING when the doctor sits there and scratches his head and gives you a frazzled look sprinkled with a couple of " I don't knows" Exactly. We look like a textbook IVF case on paper. Young & HEALTHY patients, sperm issues, perfectly timed ovulation and period cycles and yet...no baby! We failed at IVF and we shouldn't have. Which is why this is all so FRUSTRATING! I used to be envious of those women who magically drank some water and got pregnant (okay, I still am) but now I'm actually starting to become envious of ladies with endometriosis or PCOS because atleast then they have a diagnosis and something to work with. We have no clues.

The doctor thinks we shouldn't try IUI, atleast not while we have frozen ones. He also doesn't believe I have endometriosis or any scarring leftover from my appendectomy in 2003. Why? Because IVF is usually the fix procedure for those problems. A Frozen Embryo Transfer will cost about $2,500. Let's add that to the $9,000 on one card, the $2,000 on another card, the $6,700 we owe his parents, and the $3,700 we are about to put on another card. It's become my own personal running joke to see how much credit card debt I can accrue in such a short amount of time. I actually sat in the doctor's office and just LAUGHED! Who does that? Crying isn't an option. My tears reside with my bitterness, in the darkness.

I won't tell you what we've decided or where we'll go from here just yet. Partly because we aren't even sure and partly because we need to keep some of this journey to ourselves.

So what's with the Don't Stop Believing...?

When Paul and I went out to the lobby after visiting our fertility specialist and Daniel Powter's "Bad Day", was playing and I thought "HAH...he has no idea." We heard about the last 30 seconds of it before "Don't stop Believing" started up. And instantly I thought "now there's some motivation."

My life is nothing that blaring a little Journey doesn't cure.

Bitterness

Some nights, deep in the shadows of my bedroom, I let bitterness in. It fills my soul and consumes my thoughts and it feels good. Why? Because I am ANGRY! Not at God, not at myself, not at the way our life has been turned upside down. Angry because it is still not "OUR TIME", angry because I log into facebook and find out another person who "SHOULDN'T" be pregnant is, angry because another day brings unanswered questions. I don't let myself feel this way very often. What would be the point? I'm not into self-pity. Somebody always has it worse. But occasionally, I find it healthy to get mad. Healthy to throw up a couple Why Me's? to God.

So why is tonight a bitterness night? Because both of my pregnant co-workers were working today. One is married and has already suffered through a miscarriage. (I know...HORRIBLE....that I am only happy for her because she has had to work at becoming pregnant). The other co-worker is a CNA, is unmarried and has an on again/off again relationship with her boyfriend. I'm bitter because this is the story a co-worker in my department relayed to me today. Said co-worker remembered seeing pregnant co-worker take smoke breaks prior to pregnancy, so said co-worker asked pregnant co-worker is she had quit. Pregnant co-worker told her she was down to four a day and how proud she was of that. SERIOUSLY???!!! If you are so selfish that you cannot even quit smoking for the sake of your unborn child for nine months then why did you get chosen to be a mother?

I log onto facebook tonight and see a friend from high school just announced at about 8 weeks that she is pregnant. Good for her for waiting till 8 weeks, that's longer than some people wait. But she just got married. She must have conceived on her wedding night. I would die to have that unexpected surprise.

Facebook is poison.

Paul and I spent the evening watching my two cousins (previously mentioned in another blog post). We got them dinner, took them to play on the playground at the elementary school in our neighborhood, fed them popsicles, watched some baseball and picked our first squash from the garden they helped me plant. And all the while, I knew it was KILLING us. It was breaking my heart to know that my husband is not a father yet, and I'm sure it broke his heart to know I am not a mother yet. We can play family with these boys for only so long. I took them to the grocery store with me and a pregnant woman looked at me with a look saying "Look at that mom and her two boys, she's so good with them, I can't wait to have my baby" And I wanted to rip her head off because she has NO IDEA.

I think an occasional night of bitterness is good for me. It makes me realize how BAD I want to be a good, loving and patient mom. It makes me appreciate what I have, because right before I go to sleep I will count my blessings. TWICE. I cannot go to sleep with a bitter heart. In the morning, I will put on my happy face, because I truly am happy. I am just not complete. And I will pray for courage to face all the happy pregnant women the day wants to throw at me. When the dawn rises it will be peace that fills my soul, bitterness is for the darkness.

One more week

I called the fertility doctor and scheduled our next consult. Next Tuesday at noon. I'm going with no expectations. Just questions to ask.


Another week to wait before we kick off our next step in our journey to parenthood.

Ready, set, go!

Well, it's been a little over a month since I last blogged. I needed a break from logging in to blog because every time I did I relived all our ups and downs over the last few months. I have poured myself into planning my husband's 30th birthday party. I threw a carnival bash! My husband never had a birthday party growing up and we don't have kids, so I needed something childish and fun to plan. It turned out better than I could have ever dreamed. Mostly due to my sisters and parents pitching in for hours at a time.


But the party is over and now it's back to reality. So tomorrow I will call our fertility specialist and set up another consult. I'm armed with some more questions. I'm not sure what we'll try next. I'd like to be tested for endometriosis, just to rule it out, but that involves surgery. We may ask to try another round of IUI with clomid because it's much more affordable and since we just spent $3,700 to replace our replacement windows that leak every time it rains. Oh the joys of home ownership.

Enjoy some pictures from the carnival! I'm going to take a deep breath and gear up for the next phase of our journey to parenthood. Ready, Set, Go!

Blessed

It was an absolutely beautiful day here. It was in the 80's, not much humidity and a mild breeze. Perfect for gardening. What made it even more perfect was my two youngest cousins helped me plant my garden. They're visiting from PA this weekend and since I don't get to see them very often, I relish the time I have with them. I met up with them at my 12 year old sister's softball game. Then I offered to take them with me to pick out the vegetables. Carseats were transferred and off we went. My van finally had carseats in it! My 3 yr. old cousin and 4 yr. old cousin talked up a storm! They picked corn, cucumbers, tomatos, green peppers, squash and canteloupe for this years garden. I treated them to a lunch of McDonald's. Hey, they're not my kids! ;) And out we went to 'dig in the dirt'. They were actually pretty productive. The 3 yr. old got a little bored so I took him inside to watch some TV and relax. When I came back outside, the 4 yr. old had planted the corn. We'll see what grows! My aunt and grandma came over to pick up the boys, but we decided a visit to Kohl's was necessary. The boys opted to ride with me. Next off, we had to go to the grocery store because it was decided dinner would be an impromptu cookout at my house. So the 4 yr. old went with me and the 3 yr. old chose to go with his mom. (Evidently he had a break down once he realized his brother and I had actually gone away). My 4 yr. old cousin helped me get ready for the cookout. What a wonderful help his was. When my husband finally got home from work at 5:30, he played the Wii with my cousin. How my heart melts when I watch them interact! My entire family came over for dinner. When I say entire I mean...2 aunts, and uncle, 4 cousins, 2 grandparents, 2 parents, 2 sisters and a friend. On this warm night, at my house, surrounded by family and my husband cooking the most delicious burgers on the grill, my heart was filled with love. I rinsed sippy cups in my sink, wiped dirty little faces, answered silly questions, giggled at silly things and craved to have my own children....

Then the meltdowns started, I realized how tired I was, reality set-in...and I remembered that I could give the kids back and sleep in tomorrow morning! How blessed I am to be able to appreciate the positives!