Our Roller Coaster

Last week my sister and I made a very public announcement over at The Sister Stories regarding her being our surrogate. Before this very heavy topic fades away into the background again, I wanted to take a moment to dive into the situation a whole lot deeper. 

So, let's start at the very beginning shall we?

It's a very good place to start.

When our infertility roller coaster first began all the way back in 2008, I knew we'd be one of the lucky couples. The couples who kind of have to struggle, but not really. I had faith our answers would come quickly. Looking back, I'm sure it was the 24 year old naivety, but that same faith has served me well over the past almost 9 years. 

I vividly remember laying in my bed, in the darkness late at night, searching for infertility bloggers and following as many as I could. I joined chatrooms and even met a fellow blogger for coffee. I read til my eyes couldn't see straight anymore. I absorbed every lesson I could. 

Those blogs I followed have pretty much gone silent.
In fact, all but one haven't had a post in over five years.

Yet, here I am still blogging about the same issue. 

For this gal who operates on facts and logic, it can be a hard road to navigate. 

It's tough to put into words and then to convey into feelings, what my brain has already logically processed and my heart understands so matter-of-factly.

But let me try.

To all those people who are starting out on this journey…my heart hurts for you. It hurts for the relationships & friendships you will undoubtedly lose. It hurts for the family members who just won't understand who will therefore say unkind things. It hurts for the heavy decisions that you will have to face. It hurts for your bank account and your savings and the financial burden infertility brings with it. It hurts for the shattered dreams and this ugly path you will have to navigate. It hurts for the self-doubt and questioning that will creep into your way of thinking.  It hurts for the way this thing called infertility will taint the rest of your life in the ways you will least expect. 

But it also leaps with joy for you. For the relationships and friendships you will undoubtedly gain. For the family members who will be there to support you no matter what. For the appreciation you will gain for all of life's trivial decisions. For the way in which penny pinching will bring about a certain awareness of all the free pleasures in this life…the sound of a thunderstorm, the rainbow after a storm, the smell of autumn, the sight of falling snow, the sound of the waves and the birds chirping. It leaps with joy for you for the discovery of the path that was destined for you and all the growth and enlightenment that will occur on a journey you never considered. It leaps with joy for the inner strength and resilience you will find deep within you, in ways you didn't know you could. It leaps with joy for the ways in which infertility will teach you to count all your other blessings in areas you least expect. 

Know this.  I am here. I am here to listen. I am here to offer advice. I am here to punch someone who says something awful to you…okay maybe not that last one. 

Know this. You are not alone. Seek advice and council from people who you trust with the most honest inner parts of your soul. But also know that this story is yours and your partners. You must be willing to learn and grow. You can close as many doors and options as you want while you are in a season of life, but be willing to peek behind those doors in the future as your seasons shift.

Once upon a time, we said we'd never do IVF.
We did and it failed.

Once upon a time, we said we'd never use a sperm donor.
We did and it failed.

Once upon a time, we said we'd never use adopted embryos.
We did and it failed.

Once upon a time, we said we'd never use a surrogate.
We did and it failed.

So here's the lesson from this older (and occasionally wiser) infertile gal.

Whether you end up with kids in some way shape or form or you don't, infertility doesn't define you.
Your children or your childlessness doesn't define you either.

Your infertility roller coaster is yours. It can be as tame or as wild as you make it.
As terrifying as it may be some days, it can also be thrilling and exciting and exhilarating if you let it.

I hope you learn to enjoy your ride.