All in

     If you've followed along on our infertility journey for awhile chances are you've heard me say 'we're either all in or all out.' Any infertility story is written in a series of hurry ups and waits. Hurry on to the next step, wait for the diagnosis, the blood work, the results, the ultrasound….then hurry on to the next step when that one didn't work.  Paul and I have gotten so used to things not working out, that we're constantly thinking about our next move, be it in the form of family planning or trip planning. We always need something on the horizon to keep us moving forward.

     This summer has been just a little different though. We're in this odd space of half in and half out. Surrogacy with adopted embryos is our final stop on our infertility roller coaster. And if the roller coaster was a real ride, the ride attendant would be yelling at us to please stay seated and keep our arms and legs inside the moving vehicle because half of us just wants the ride to be over already. We have our eyes so trained on the next piece of our plan that we need to remind ourselves to slow down and give thanks in this particular season…the summer of 2016. The summer where our air conditioning went kaput and we engaged in a six week war with the home warranty company to have them fix it (no we still don't have A/C). The summer where three of our dogs became violently ill and required unexpected trips to the vet with days of their humans cleaning up from their accidents and which required a small fortune to be spent on our fourth dog during his week long battle with pancreatitis and luxury stay in an animal hospital for four days. The summer where our first attempt at surrogacy with two adopted embryos ended up in yet another chemical pregnancy. The summer where we used our very last adopted embryo and began mentally closing this chapter without even realizing it.

     But the summer isn't over yet and luckily, I don't stamp any part of any year with a negative label. Because this was also the first summer of living within walking distance to our niece and nephew, with impromptu cook outs and ice cream eating and porch sitting. It was the first summer of watching all the new plants bloom at a new house (and all the weeds I've managed to let grow). And, it's the summer of our very last two week wait…ever. That is enough to make me jump for joy despite whatever the outcome may be.

     It was so weird sitting in the clinic this past Friday knowing I would never, ever be back (unless I miraculously win the lottery).  There's a strong possibility that was also the last time I'll ever see my fertility doctor again, too. Which is just weird to think. They're a huge part of your life and then it's just over. Luckily, my doctor is just as quiet as I tend to be in awkward situations and perfectly responded with a "Well, I hope to see you again" when I made mention to the fact that I might never see him again (pending blood work results).

     And that takes us to this moment. This moment of our last time of waiting for pregnancy results. This moment of being in perfectly imperfect balance, with one foot still firmly planted in our infertility journey and the other foot tapping its toes impatiently on the 'rest of our life' platform.

     Sometimes we like to surprise people with the results of one of our family growing steps other times, we take you along for the ride. Last month, we let everyone know after the fact about our chemical pregnancy and 1st failed attempt at surrogacy with adopted embryos.  This time, we're asking you to join us on our final ride. We ask you to pray with us and for us and hope along side us as we wait to see how this final chapter of our infertility journey is written. We are so grateful to have had this surrogacy opportunity from my sister and to the biological parents who gave us the gift of possibility and hope by letting us adopt their embryos. There is always much to be thankful for indeed.