Guilt

I've had a lot of time to think during my day of bed rest and I think I've put my finger on an underlying issue with this whole fertility thing.  It's called GUILT.  I'm not referring to a guilt relating to our actual fertility issues because as I've said before, those are out of control and are not our fault. 

But I'm talking about the subconscious guilt that I will feel during these next few days.  I know every woman who goes through infertility deals with these same exact feelings.  It's what binds us together.  The constant strain of questions running through my head is defeaning.  Did I eat the right food?, Did I lay down too much?, Did I sit up too much?, Did I walk around too much?, Did I eat too many cold things?, Did I take my meds at the exact right time?, Did I let my dog lay on my belly too much?, Did I go to the bathroom too much?, Should I have done a head stand?, Was the walk to the mailbox too far?, Was my shower too hot?, Did I put in my progesterone just right?  Oh my gosh, I could go on and on.  But the point is....at this point in the game...no matter how MUCH I know that the outcome is out of my control, right now that feeling of guilt will always be with me.  I'm not beating myself up over it and I honestly hardly think about it, but when I'm alone with my thoughts that feeling comes washing over me again. 

I think it's magnified this time because last time, I knew everything was out of my control...so much so, that I hardly thought twice about it.  I pretty much just waited for the negative pregnancy test because my motto has always been "Hope for the best, expect the worse"  Last time I had only briefly allowed myself to realize how awesome it would be to tell everyone we were expecting at Paul's 30th birthday.  But now....now I've thought about it more.  I've planned more.  We could tell people at my grandparents 50th anniversary party, I would be due around my grandfather's birthday (the one who passed away), we could take our child with us to Disney World for our 5 year anniversary, I would be showing at Christmas.  This time I WANT it....and that...that makes the guilt so much more intense.  Because the eggs have been fertilized and in a petri dish they have started to grow...but from here on out, it's up to me to cook them and sometimes...I think my oven is broken.