What if....?

My sister-in-law alerted me to the fact that it's National Infertility Awareness week. Did you know that? Neither did I. It makes me sad to see that so many people post things about breast cancer and various other issues...but fertility problems are never spoken about.



RESOLVE is working to make this issue more well known. One of the things we can do is TALK about this or in my case BLOG about it.


Cortney Tree posed the question What if I never get to do all the things I've put on hold for "once I get pregnant"....how true is that? What if Paul and I never get to Europe or out west or on a cruise because we're saving for a future procedure and paying off a past failed procedure. What if I never let myself get that cute sporty convertible because I hold onto my big empty minivan that never gets filled with carseats? What if we never let ourselves get another puppy because training a puppy and then finding out we're pregnant may be too much. How are we suppose to live our lives waiting? How are we suppose to live our lives wondering?

There are so many What ifs. My list goes on and on. What if I will always carry a small amount of bitterness in my heart towards the person who unexpectedly conceived and now has the most perfect baby-filled life. What if I'm never truly happy for women who get pregnant unless they've experienced some form of heartache first? What if I end up like that old lady in my retirement community whose love of her life passed away years ago and she has no children or grandkids to come visit? What if I never lose that wave of sadness that washes over me when I pass the baby section in any store? What if I want to cry when I'm clipping coupons and pass an add for diapers?

What if I keep having to make excuses for missing baby showers? What if my sister who's 4 years younger than me has a kid before me? What if my sarcasm takes over my life? What if I never let go of the resentment for having to buy a baby? What if I keep measuring my life in regards to my failed chemical pregnancy and how old my baby would be?

But then...after thinking about all those negative what ifs for so long, I want to throw up. I can't breathe. I have to think of the positives. I HAVE to. It's survival mode for me. What if my husband and I had a baby like everyone else and got divorced because we found out we parented differently? What if we had never experienced infertility and never got these extra years as just the two of us? What if I never had these extra years of peaceful night sleeps, mini vacations when we wanted, and spoiling our dog. What if I keep focusing on the negative so much that I lose sight of the positive?

I'm a firm believer in God's plan. I HAVE to be. How else could I begin to understand the 'unfairness' of it all. How else could I justify going to my friends kid's 2 year birthday party knowing that I've been trying to conceive longer than he's been alive?

What gets me through is the birds singing, blue skies, the smell of snow in the air. What gets me through is the leaves changing as the seasons turn, bbq-ing with my husband, cuddling with my dog, laughing with my sisters. What gets me through is smelling the fresh cut grass, making a cup of hot chocolate, cooking a fabulous new meal with fresh veggies, date nights with my husband. What gets me through is my super close relationship with my husband and my FAITH.

I have to be THANKFUL. This journey helps define me. I am strong. We are a strong couple. My husband is a strong man. Without this journey I wouldn't know my limits.