One month left

Hello?

tap, tap, tap

Is this thing on?

It's been a LONG time since I blogged over here.  Almost 3 months to be exact. 

I've definitely enjoyed the 'break', although, if you've ever experienced infertility you know there's no such thing as a 'break'.   It all boils down to better coping skills.  You learn to let some of the bitterness go...usually a lack of caring creeps in and helps simmer down the feelings of hopelessness and being left behind.

But you and I both know if you scratch too hard at the surface, you'll find what you've been desperately trying to bury.

Wanting a baby.

We're nearing the end of 2011 and with that comes the end of the 'year off' my husband and I gave to ourselves.

I'm pretty much every emotion wrapped into one. 

I'm still trying to enjoy this last month and not think too much about it.

But words like appointments, needles, shots, new fertility doc, FET, and embryo adoption have slowly started to creep back into our dialog. 

People who knew about our year off have started asking what our next step is.  Hubby and I are going to be more quiet about whatever steps we take next.  We'll ask for prayers and blessings, but that's it.  If there's one thing worse than going through the treatments and finding out it didn't work...it's having everyone else know it didn't work, too.  Those pity parties and sad looks will suck whatever fight you've got left right out of you.

We've had a busy year.  One that included numerous vacations, a new motorcycle, a cookie obsession (Check out what I've been up to all year long at Kooking in Kate's Kitchen)  and I think we just may be about ready to get back into the swing of things.  Atleast as ready as you can be for infertility. 

More than the infertility vernacular and appointments and questions, do you know what sucks the most when it starts to invade your life again?

HOPE.

Births and Pregnancy Announcements

     One of my sister's best friends got engaged the other day.  In a conversation with my sister regarding how excited their group of girl friends were for the newest one to be engaged, I also asked how those who are not in a relationship were holding up.  I know what it's like to see others around you become engaged when you're still single.  My sister made a very wise point.  She said that her single friends were in good places in their lives.  Happy.  Single.  Knowing they are not anywhere near engagement rings and wedding talk and for this reason, they were all happy for their newly engaged friend. 

    This got me to thinking about how times have changed.  Years and years and years ago, it was considered normal to get married right out of high school (or college if you were a lucky female who got to go).  Typically you were married and starting a family before the age of, say, 25.  But now?  Now it's socially expected that both males and females will go to college...and for probably longer than just four years.  Then you have to realize that our social circles are so much wider than they were years and years and years ago.  The internet has made this a small world. Because of this, you have the opportunity to meet many more people than you did back then.  So when people get engaged young, there is still this hope and this social acceptance for the single people that you will meet your love a little later in life and that's okay.  After all, the average marrying age is now 26 years old for females and 27 for males; where as, in 1960 it was 20 for females and 22 for males.  And if you are single and end up being that 'always the bridesmaid' girl, you've got plenty of years ahead of you to become the bride.  More often than not, the hunt for love can be (yes, frustrating and daunting) but often exciting and new.  Remember the thrill of the chase? 

       I'm in that age where most of my friends are having babies.  I'm in THAT season of life.  In fact, I even have some friends who have kids who started kindergarten this year.  Many of my friends are even on their second child.  But things are different in this season of life.  In most cases, I've been married the longest out of my social circle.  In most cases, we've been trying for children before our friends had even found their spouses.  And in this season of life, the after marriage season, you either want kids or you don't. You're either actively trying...or you're not.  (And don't give me this "We weren't really trying" bull, because not using protection is the passive way of trying.) 

     The three main differences between the pre-marriage season and the after marriage season are these.  1)  Socially, it is expected that once you're married, you will have kids.  Think about it.  Inevitably, someone mentions something about kids ON your wedding day.  And the pressure keeps building and building.  And when you don't, it leaves people flabbergasted and confused.  2)  The time crunch begins from the moment you're married.  That biological clock is ticking and ticking and ticking.  Because instead of it being socially acceptable to wait for it, like it is with marriage, with having children people expect it sooner versus later.  And time is NOT on your side.  and 3.) This waiting, this limbo, this not having children thing is NOT fun and exciting and it gets really old, really fast. 

      Now, imagine you're in the engagement season of life.  All your friends around you have gotten engaged...and then married.  But once they're married, hopefully they're married.  The time of your life where it seems like all you do is attend wedding showers and weddings (for your peers) comes to a close. (Unless there ends up being an unforesable negative thing in their marriage, in which case, you will stand by their side through the divorce and help them find the right person on the next go around.)

    Now imagine you're married and all your friends are married and it's time for the baby season to begin.  Baby season doesn't just end after one child though.  It's a continuous cycle.  Pregancy announcements, baby showers, births, meeting the new baby and watching it grow up.  And then comes the second child and the cycle continues.  Atleast with engagements, you're only expected to ooh and ahh over the ring once and then it's over. 

    I read a blog post from another IF blogger and I think it's worthy of sharing.  It's a great go to place if you're friends with someone struggling through infertility Please read it if you get the chance. 

So What's a Fertile to do?

     

New baby gifts

Everyone knows the tradition of sharing a cigar once a baby has been born.  Some people have bubble gum pink or blue cigars.  Something to hand out as a small token of congratulations, thanks for stopping by, etc.

Amanda at I am Baker made adorable edible baby announcements when her little boy was born back in March.  I was enamored when I saw the adorable creations.  And I tucked the idea in the back of my mind.

Then one of my co-workers asked if I would make some cookies for her to hand out to people when they stopped by to see her new baby or to give to the nurses and doctor who assisted with the delivery.

Would I?

I immediately looked to Amanda for inspiration and that's about as far as I got.  These design concepts were all my own.  Although, it is hard to personalize such generic baby shapes. 

This is what I came up with.  20 cookies, 5 of each shape.

The baby bottles were super easy.  I learned something about the baby bottle cookie cutter after I had made these.  Everytime I saw baby bottle cookies on the internet, all I thought was how much the cookie had spread during it's baking time.  However, these cookies didn't spread.  The cutter is made with a natural rounded shape, which looks a lot wider after you have piped a rectangular shaped bottle.

Then I made 5 different onesies.  The one on the bottom left corner, I really wanted to write "Spit Happens" on it, but I wasn't sure that's what new parents wanted to be reminded of. 

The little tie was my favorite.

I had every intention of doing all the onesies with green polka dots and writing Blake on them, but after I finished this first one, I decided it looked too much like chicken pox and I immediately changed my designs. 

I love the baby rattles.  I researched and researched and researched different icing techniques for the baby rattles.  Ultimately, I decided I liked the thin handle and ring on the end for more of an antique baby rattle look.  The downfall to these cookies was that the top part of the rattle became so heavy with the icing on it, that it tended to crack off the handle part. 

This is a beautiful case of how the perfect icing consistency matters the most when writing on cookies.  The wet-on-wet technique worked perfectly again.  A "B" for Baby or Blake and a special thank you for those who helped out during the delivery.

When I went to Michael's to look for ribbon for the packaging, I stumbled across these silver "It's a boy" charm, which I knew would provide the perfect finishing touch. 

At the urging of my mother, who pointed out exactly how many people would potentially be seeing these cookies, I added a little subtle sticker with my name and blog. 

Side note:  I keep telling my husband that when they decide to get rid of all the policeman and America still wants to eat and people are buying my cookies and I'm supporting us, he'll be happy I have a cookie obsession.

Something tells me he's not buying my theory.



Screeching Halt

If you're infertile, odds are you've experienced the proverbial screeching halt that happens in a conversation when you mention something about being infertile. 

It can come from somebody you consider your best friend, a family member or a perfect stranger.  And it can happen in any conversation, face to face or not.

The simple reality is people do not know how to react when infertility is brought up.

You have cancer, you say? 

We're soooo sorry to hear that.  We'll pray for you.  We'll bring you dinners when you need them.  We'll give you a hug.  We'll reassure you about doctors and statistics and someone we know who's beaten the odds, because odds are, we really do know someone who's been diagnosed with cancer.

Your animal/loved one passed away, you say?

We are sooooo sorry.  We just don't know what to say.  Words can't take your pain away, but time heals all wounds.  They're in a better place for sure.  Think of your happy memories of them.  They wouldn't want you to be sad. 

You lost your job, you say?

Well, I thought you hated that stupid boss of yours anyway.  Now you can pursue your dreams.  God's got a better plan for you. We're here to help if times get tough. 

You're infertile, you say? 

You're womb is barren, you say? 

Your husband's sperm won't ask for directions, you say? 

(Okay, maybe you didn't say that).

Crickets chirping.

Noone knows how to respond, although most of the aforementioned responses would be perfectly acceptable.

God must have a plan for us.  There must be some explanation to the unfairness of infertility.

Offering to help in our time of need would be nice.  (after treatments, when Aunt flow comes to visit or doesn't for that matter, etc.)

Saying a prayer for us would be nice.

Even a stupid story about your neighbor's best friend's sister who tried for years and got pregnant with a miracle baby after adopting would be better than....

SILENCE.

I just received a text message from a number I didn't have programmed in my phone.

It said,  "Do you have kids yet?"

So I asked who it was and realized it was an old male friend from HS.  Someone who was one of my closest friends and who I remain friends with on FB, although clearly, he's not a FB stalker.

He bought a house a few streets away from where my parents still live and innocently enough wanted to know who all the children at my parent's house were.

So, I explained that my mom and one of my sisters babysit little kids during the summer.

Then he said "Oh...he thought he missed something".

Reverting back to my naive thinking of how good of friends we were in high school and surely things don't change after almost 10 years  (HOLY CRAP, my 10 year high school reunion is next spring!)

I informed him that "We can't have kids".

Surely, he wouldn't know what to say or he would say something stupid.

I usually do this as a test.  It helps me mentally process who understands, who has the potential to understand, who cares, etc. 

But he surprised me with his response.

"Why is that, medical?"

OH MY GOSH. 

It was a smart, educated response.  Not a stupid, "you must not be doing it right" type of sarcastic answer.  But one that I thought surely showed he was interested in learning more about why this girl who so desperately wanted only to be a mother does not have children after almost 5 years of marriage.

So I answered honestly.  Told him we had been through a failed IVF and other treatments (tried not to get too technical) and no he didn't miss anything, there were no babies from me.

But then it happened.

The silence.

The lack of ANY response.

Considering his previous responses took about 5 seconds to come back and it's now been 25 minutes since I sent that last text, I think it's safe to say he chose the silent route.

I think silence is cowardly.  Everyone can think of something to say or somehow to respond in almost any situation, whether it's a smart response or a dumb one. 

Infertility should be no different.

I'm so sick of the stigma attached with infertility.

Like we should be ashamed or keep it hidden.

Something has got to change. 

So start speaking out.  Talk about it. Make it okay to have a conversation about this disease. 

It's not our fault, after all.

Moving forward

Sometimes, late at night, when I'm by myself, it gets to me.

The realization that my husband and I officially have no more friends who aren't parents already or who aren't expecting.

The realization that literally any day my younger sister could call me up and tell me she's pregnant because she's married now.

 (and she's four years younger than me)

The realization that we may never get to be parents. 

On a day to day basis, I am loving living life. 

I have immersed myself in my kitchen, baking new things on a weekly basis. 

We have immersed ourselves in riding our Harley as often as possible.

We have immersed ourselves in loving and playing with our three four legged furbabies.

But none of those things will ever fill that empty void that comes with being childless when you so desperately want to have a baby.

The beginning of next year will be here before we know it and with that comes the end of our 'carefree' year. 

And I know I've said it before, but it scares me silly.

I have given it to God.  I did that a long time ago.

It doesn't mean I'm okay with his plan.

It doesn't mean that the sting I feel when a resident says "Shame on you" when they ask if I have children and I tell them I don't, goes away.

It doesn't mean baby showers get any easier. 

It doesn't mean hanging out with our friends and their children gets any easier either.  Not because we don't love them or you, but because we can't help but measure our lack of progress by the age of your kids.

But this is it, our life.  We've only got one chance at it.  We won't get these years back.

And no matter how bad our timeline has been screwed up, I refuse to look back on these years knowing I wasted them by being miserable. 

We've got one life.  And every morning we wake up, we remind ourselves to make the most of it. 

New Blog

Hello fellow bloggers.  I know I've been slacking on this blog for a while, and the truth is, I just don't have much to say about our infertility journey right now.  There's nothing new on the home front in those regards and I can only gripe so much about the unfairness of it all.  Especially since most of you know exactly what I'm talking about.  So I've started a new blog.  One devoted to my passions in life.  Mostly my creative adventures in the kitchen.  If you want to keep following me, I'd love to have you!  I'll still keep this blog going since it's been a part of me for so long and definitely look for it to pick back up after the new year when we start trying to grow our family again.  You can find me here now: Kooking in Kate's Kitchen.  Come and enjoy some of my creative kitchen endeavors!

someone's in the kitchen

Baking some new cookies. Pics to come later

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