Where I'm supposed to be....

On this day, exactly one year ago, Paul and I were getting together with the group of planners for the first ever Race to Parenthood 5k for an evening of packet stuffing. It's the night where the event really felt real. All 7 of the original couples were probably feeling the exact same thing. Amazement and wonder that we were able to be a part of such a creative and fantastic event. Anxiety and anticipation for what would follow post race...all of us acutely aware of the WHY behind our race involvement. Hope and expectations for how the actual race day would unfold. Each one of us simultaneously carrying the hurt from our stories that got us into the race with the joy of seeing just how many people were supporting us. And if you would have asked me then where I'd be a year from that moment....writing a blogpost about being back in the race would never have crossed my mind. Pregnant is what I hoped I'd be. Supporting a new Team Yellow was my plan. 

But for reasons unknown to us yet, here we are again. And it is hard. To be in this weird sort of limbo is at times, unsettling. Caught in between the success all the other couples from last year have had and just a little more experienced than the new couples. 

Exactly one year ago, we felt seasoned in our infertility journey. Our pain was three years old. We had taken a nice, long break and were refreshed and ready for a new chapter. This year the pain is real and raw and fresh. And I'll be going through the motions of everyday life and it will hit me...I shouldn't be here...this wasn't supposed to be our 2015 story. I'm supposed to be pregnant darnit! Just like everyone else around me. 

And in those moments where it starts to sting more than I think I can bear....I am reminded of what has occurred in the past year and I feel calmed and at peace. I made my blog public only 8 months ago. The feedback I have received from writing has amazed me. Those who have reached out and expressed how my writing has made you feel not alone in your own journey...thank you from the very bottom of my heart. Thank you for making my pain worth it.  

For those of you who have supported us in this year's Race to Parenthood...thank you for being our strength. We took an even bigger leap of faith this year...trusting that many of you would step up twice on our behalf. Believing in us and a future with no certainties, trusting with us that we are right where we're supposed to be.