Transparency

When I made the decision to go public with this blog and our story, I also vowed to be as open and honest with our journey as I possibly could.  Sometimes those posts involve a little TMI, sometimes they involve talking about the ugly side of infertility, sometimes they involve sharing my most personal thoughts. 

 

So, in keeping true to my feelings, this post deals with finances.

Sounds boring, I know. 

Especially since money usually falls into the same category as politics and religion; otherwise known as 'the list of subjects not to talk about with acquaintances....or friends you want to keep as friends'.

 

I had this same feeling last year when race registration opened, but I didn't have a public outlet to express my feelings on this topic.

This year I do.

 

I feel as though I need to be transparent when it comes to our financial situation. 

Not necessarily all the nitty, gritty details, but the general overview. 

I know I really don't, but it goes against my personality to not be totally honest.

 

And if I'm asking you to support us financially, then I feel you need to know why.

Because I know I think things like "How on earth did they afford to go there/do that, 'cause I know they're broke!"...etc. and those are valid questions.

This is partly due to the technological society we live in where everyone displays the good on social media but typically leaves off the struggles. After all, it's so much more fun to say "Hey, check out my new car!" than "Hey, we had to decide which bill we were going to not pay this month."

 

  A month into our relationship, Paul bought himself a new car...which was paid off back in 2008 or 2009 and is currently the car he still drives 11 years later. When Paul and I got married, neither one of us had any credit card debt.  Paul was essentially debt free and I only had my student loans. But I didn't own a car...so we bought me a minivan....anticipating our future children.

 

We moved into an apartment together and started the house hunting process six months into our marriage, believing whole heartedly that renting was 'wasting' money. 

In the summer of 2007, we bought our house. 

Right before the housing market bubble burst.

We had a minimal down payment on our home...essentially depleting Paul's savings.  Our down payment wasn't a full 20% and in order to get out of having to pay PMI, we opted for an 80-20 mortgage.  At least that's how it was explained to us.  80% of our financing was in a 30 year fixed rate mortgage.  20% of our financing was a variable interest-interest only payment plan home equity line of credit.  We were duped into believing we'd only be in our first house for 5-10 years and then we'd sell and be able to pay off that home equity line of credit before it actually became time to really start making a payment on it.  When the housing market crashed, we instantly lost about $60,000 in equity and technically we currently live in a house that is upside down in today's market. 

It's a good thing we love our location, cause we're not moving for a loooonnnnggg time.

Thanks to being young, eager and led astray, this was our first financial mistake. 

Of course, none of us knew at the time that the housing market would crash so horribly.

 

In 2009, Paul and I pinched pennies every month in order to be able to pay for four IUI's.  An average IUI back then cost a little less than $500 when all was said and done.  And we did that four months in a row.  When 2010 rolled around, we knew IVF was in our future.  And we had every reason to believe that it would work.  So we opted for the cheapest IVF option...one fresh cycle...around $13,000 for the procedure and another $3,000 in drugs.  The frozen embryo transfers would cost between $2,000-$3,000. Being naïve, we didn't feel the need to save up for a Shared Risk Cycle of IVF...otherwise known as the smart option. Essentially, it's way more money, but you get more chances and some money back if you don't have a baby after a certain number of tries. Following our hearts deepest desire to become parents as quickly as possible, we threw common sense out the window and put most all of it on credit cards.  We pretty much maxed out two credit cards. And then we paid just enough off to add some more for our frozen embryo transfer that summer.

 

Since then we've been actively paying off those cards.  We've managed to get one almost completely paid off and get our balance down to about 3/4 on another one. 

 

Two weeks after we had maxed out our credit cards, our sewer line broke...resulting in a $6,000 bill we couldn't afford. We called Paul's parents and begged for money.  They lent us the money and then we started repaying them little by little, which means we couldn't put as much as we had hoped towards our credit card bills.

 

By the time 2011, rolled around Paul and I were emotionally, physically and financially exhausted.  We were on the brink of losing it.  We had no idea where to turn or what to do and so we started to pursue other avenues to fulfill our life together.  Paul bought a Harley.  He justified it by offering to pick up one extra overtime opportunity a month so it wouldn't be an extra financial burden on us.  He chose a Harley over a new car.  Though, in hindsight, picking up one extra shift would have helped us pay down our debt quicker.  I've always considered myself to be emotionally strong throughout this entire infertility journey. But, by the time the summer of 2011 rolled around, I could not physically or mentally bring myself to drive my minivan anymore.  It represented all my hope and innocence lost since the beginning of our marriage.  I literally felt a little piece of me die inside every time I drove it.  It became the symbol of shattered dreams and it turned into the one thing I loathed.  So, choosing my mental sanity over making a smart financial decision, we traded it in for my beloved Dodge Journey.  My new vehicle is still a symbol of renewed hope (even though I've had it for over three years now and there are still no kids!)

 

I also started baking cookies in 2011.  What first seemed like a silly side hobby to occupy my childless hands has turned into the one thing that helped us keep our sanity.  Most people don't realize that it has actually become a second full time job. Please know that when I say I need to work on cookies...I really am needing to work on cookies.  Cookie money allowed us to do our travelling.  It was the one area from which we let ourselves live a little. 

 

Since 2011 we have walked a fine line between working towards paying off our debt...and actually living life...all while trying to take advantage of not having kids.  It's been a tough road to be on, in all honesty.  And it's a journey that every person going through infertility must face.  How much do you choose to continue to live your life (date nights/vacations/etc.) while trying to save for or payoff fertility treatments? 

 

It's this exhausting back and forth battle. 

On one hand, your head is screaming at you to do selfish things...to do things you really won't do once you have kids, but your heart is telling you to pay off your first attempts so you can get to your next round of fertility treatments.

 

In 2013, we participated in Financial Peace University.  I've briefly talked about it before, but I can't speak highly enough about the program.  It was an eye opening experience for us.  We learned about simple things that we had never considered....major mistakes we've made along the way. 

We attempted to get smart and tried to roll our mortgage and our home equity line of credit together, but the house value to market value ratio is still too great and we couldn't do anything to our home equity line of credit.  Which means we actively need to work on paying that down instead of getting by with interest only payments.  Nothing like trying to be smart eight years ago only to realize you made a major mistake.  Luckily, we were able to make the smart decision to refinance for a shorter loan term on our fixed mortgage (though it actually upped our monthly payment.) 

 

While FPU helped us develop a budget and made clear all the areas we needed help on, it also gave us the stark realization that we couldn't actually afford to do anymore treatments for a long time.  I mentioned it in another blog post...we simply refuse to go into more debt.  That means thinking we could afford things by putting them on credit cards (outlandish things that can't be paid off at the end of the month) has been taken out of our thought process.

 

I think FPU should be a requirement for all engaged couples. 

I wish I would have had the knowledge I do now back then and I know Paul feels the same way.

 

When Jenn came up with the Race to Parenthood idea, it was the biggest Godsend to us.  Many families will tell you that they feel helpless when it comes to their loved ones struggling with infertility.  Financial support is always what people on this journey need the most. 

The race allows for families and friends to give back.  To help ease this most difficult weight resting on our shoulders.

 

Paul and I have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that we carry debt because we were only trying to have a baby...what most people get to do for free. 

We don't have expensive things, outlandish wardrobes...we don't spend frivolously. 

 

Sometimes I get really fed up with the fact that financial decisions made by your ancestors can impact whether or not you can afford an extra fertility treatment.

I know it sounds silly, but there are no inheritances or wealthy relatives around these parts. 

I also get annoyed when I think about decisions we made in college about our career choices also directly impacts our ability to pay for treatment. 

And, let's be honest...the human service fields don't exactly pay a lot. 

 

This is how the race is so wonderful.  If each person pitches in just a little bit, suddenly, something really big can happen. 

Like trying to have a baby or start a family.

Something a lot of people do without thinking twice.

 

It's really, really humbling to put financial struggles out there...especially since we're aware that everyone has their own personal financial issues.

 

In time, Paul and I will have our debt paid off.  In time, we would have saved up enough to do another round of treatment.

 

The race acts as a catalyst to get us to that next step sooner,
with support from those that love us and/or feel our pain.

 

Every tick of the clock sounds louder to those on this infertility rollercoaster and we are so grateful that this race allows us to continue to move forward (sooner) towards our dream of becoming mommy and daddy.