Is it really time for ICLW week again? Where did that month go? This is going to be a hard week as I'm only in town for 3 days. For those of you just dropping by for the first time, welcome! I'm Katie and this is my little escape from the real world. I started it with the intention of it being an electronic diary. Occasionally I say something witty or deep but those posts are few and far between. I don't strive to have tons of followers or do all the latest trendy blogging things but I do try to post atleast once a week. Okay...about us...the short story. DH and I have been married almost 4 years & TTC for almost 3. We've undergone 4 failed FET's, 1 failed fresh IVF and 1 failed FET. We've recently begun to entertain the thought of adoption or possible embryo adoption but both are over a year away as we pay off all our debt. For more information check out my timeline on the side or my very first blog post (Dec. 2009).
I hope everyone has a safe and happy Thanksgiving week. Remember to be grateful for all our little blessings!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Book Store
DH and I decided to take in a movie tonight and being a Friday night we arrived early to get our tickets. We had awhile before the movie started so we grabbed a bite to eat. Still having too much time we walked over to Barnes and Noble to kill our last 15 minutes.
Not really having any particular book in mind, I wandered around to see if they perhaps had a book on embryo adoption.
And I wandered....and I wandered....and then....I did some more wandering.
I never found any book on Infertility.
I found a few on adoption...they were convientently located in the Family and Childcare section, mixed in with the "We're Expecting" and baby name books. Seriously...who organized this bookstore?
I even looked in the medicine section with the diseases.
In this bookstore's defense...I have found books there before on infertility but they recently reorganized and aren't located in the same spot.
Oh well...those 15 minutes sure did go by fast and I swear I walked off my dinner I did so much wandering.
I'll just have to keep on googling.
P.S.....Unstoppable was a pretty good movie. Denzel Washington sometimes annoys me but he was pretty good in this movie...and of course Chris Pine was easy on the eyes. It was just enough action with a few good one liners to make it a nice date movie.
Not really having any particular book in mind, I wandered around to see if they perhaps had a book on embryo adoption.
And I wandered....and I wandered....and then....I did some more wandering.
I never found any book on Infertility.
I found a few on adoption...they were convientently located in the Family and Childcare section, mixed in with the "We're Expecting" and baby name books. Seriously...who organized this bookstore?
I even looked in the medicine section with the diseases.
In this bookstore's defense...I have found books there before on infertility but they recently reorganized and aren't located in the same spot.
Oh well...those 15 minutes sure did go by fast and I swear I walked off my dinner I did so much wandering.
I'll just have to keep on googling.
P.S.....Unstoppable was a pretty good movie. Denzel Washington sometimes annoys me but he was pretty good in this movie...and of course Chris Pine was easy on the eyes. It was just enough action with a few good one liners to make it a nice date movie.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
True Love
It was my turn to supervise our monthly couples lunch on Tuesday in the Health Services side of our building. Couples lunch is a big deal because all of our couples reside on different levels of care and unless there is a special occasion facilitated by their families, our couples get to eat together once.a.month.
So I'm sitting at couples lunch observing our 5 couples and watching them interact. Most of them are carrying on conversations with another couple, but one husband and wife catch my eye. He is stroking her arm and watching her intently. As I peer on, he grasps her hand and kisses it while whispering "I do love my sweetie, for always." This is an undying love I'm witnessing for she has dementia.
This is the same couple who greeted each other with many, many short kisses. This is the same couple I rode on an elavator with a few months ago and during the ride they shared the most passionate kiss I have ever seen. These two still can't keep their hands off each other. It's the type of marriage that may gross you out but it's the type of marriage I strive to have. The type of marriage I remind myself to make time for. These two, they have the secret to true happiness. Always love the one you're with...with all your heart. Always show affection. I don't doubt the other couples and their love for each other, but they've forgotten to hold hands, forgotten how to kiss...maybe they just take each other for granted.
In all this infertility stuff, it's easy to let myself get wrapped up in the sadness of it all. But I am always grateful that through fate, a little luck and God's divine intervention, I was allowed to meet my soulmate. My life was not complete until he walked into it. As hard as it is to realize we may never see what the two of us look like in a child, the truth is I'd rather have a total childless life with him than not have him at all. He's my true love.
And I hope I get 64 years of marriage to him just like that couple at work.
So I'm sitting at couples lunch observing our 5 couples and watching them interact. Most of them are carrying on conversations with another couple, but one husband and wife catch my eye. He is stroking her arm and watching her intently. As I peer on, he grasps her hand and kisses it while whispering "I do love my sweetie, for always." This is an undying love I'm witnessing for she has dementia.
This is the same couple who greeted each other with many, many short kisses. This is the same couple I rode on an elavator with a few months ago and during the ride they shared the most passionate kiss I have ever seen. These two still can't keep their hands off each other. It's the type of marriage that may gross you out but it's the type of marriage I strive to have. The type of marriage I remind myself to make time for. These two, they have the secret to true happiness. Always love the one you're with...with all your heart. Always show affection. I don't doubt the other couples and their love for each other, but they've forgotten to hold hands, forgotten how to kiss...maybe they just take each other for granted.
In all this infertility stuff, it's easy to let myself get wrapped up in the sadness of it all. But I am always grateful that through fate, a little luck and God's divine intervention, I was allowed to meet my soulmate. My life was not complete until he walked into it. As hard as it is to realize we may never see what the two of us look like in a child, the truth is I'd rather have a total childless life with him than not have him at all. He's my true love.
And I hope I get 64 years of marriage to him just like that couple at work.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Not a WW
A co-worker of mine recently brought embryo adoption to my attention. I've heard about it before but I've never thought twice about it....until now. I've mentioned before how we've started toying with the idea of adoption and I read that for embryo adoption you pretty much have to go through the same initial process.
I tried approaching the subject with my husband tonight while we were eating dinner at the food court. Classy, I know. But he seemed to be in a talkative mood so I thought I'd go for it. I started talking about it and he asked for a further explanation. And then...about half way through...he told me to quit talking and eat my sandwich because he didn't want to sit at the food court all night. Needless to say, I packed up my sandwhich and quietly walked back to the car....in silence actually. In the car I decided to stick up for myself and told him that some men worship the ground their wives walk on...that they listen and love unconditionally...that they would bend over backwards to make their wives happy. (side note: I do know my husband loves me and thinks I'm the greatest, but I was going for a little guilt trip with that one.) And I wish he would have respected me enough to atleast hear me out instead of telling me to quit talking and finish eating.
After about 5 minutes of silence he calmly told me that he doesn't like talking about any sort of adoption because he still wants there to be an "our" child. That he feels as though adoption talk means throwing in the towel...a towel he's still desperately clinging to. I told him how thankful I was that he shared that information with me. That it's much more comforting to hear that he has emotions and feelings about this whole process. I told him that he could have saved me a bunch of hurt by sharing those thoughts initially and those words conveyed his point much better than a shut up and eat your sandwhich.
And I have to agree....I still get a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach when I bring up adoption. It's a point I thought I'd never have to make peace with. But the reality is I can't fathom spending so much money on another possible failed IVF cycle. I'd rather put finances towards something that would hopefully allow us to have a child to love.
And that's when I got the opportunity to finish my thoughts with him about embryo adoption. Yes it totally freaks me out to possibly have to explain to a child later in life that yes, I gave birth to them but no they're not biologically ours. It sounds like a win-win situation. I would have the opportunity to be pregnant...but as selfish as it is, being pregnant DOES matter to me....we would have the opportunity to start at the earliest possible point of raising our baby the way we want. I could eat what I thought was good, see to it that the appropriate prenatal care was provided and maybe even play some classical music for a child growing inside me. And we could experience that moment of pure joy when welcoming a child into the world. I also bet there's less chance of a biological parent coming back into the picture. But these are all prelimary thoughts. I have no ideas about the cost, the process, or the reprocutions of embryo adoption.
If you know us in our real lives, please don't think we are by any means close to coming to a decision on how to expand our family. We still have that year left to pay off our debt and a lot can change in a year. And for you in this wonderful world of IF...what are your experiences/thoughts on embryo adoption? I know the ultimate decision rests on our shoulders and on our shoulders alone...but I thought in this very early stage of curiosity a little feedback wouldn't hurt. So fellow IFers....let's hear it!
I tried approaching the subject with my husband tonight while we were eating dinner at the food court. Classy, I know. But he seemed to be in a talkative mood so I thought I'd go for it. I started talking about it and he asked for a further explanation. And then...about half way through...he told me to quit talking and eat my sandwich because he didn't want to sit at the food court all night. Needless to say, I packed up my sandwhich and quietly walked back to the car....in silence actually. In the car I decided to stick up for myself and told him that some men worship the ground their wives walk on...that they listen and love unconditionally...that they would bend over backwards to make their wives happy. (side note: I do know my husband loves me and thinks I'm the greatest, but I was going for a little guilt trip with that one.) And I wish he would have respected me enough to atleast hear me out instead of telling me to quit talking and finish eating.
After about 5 minutes of silence he calmly told me that he doesn't like talking about any sort of adoption because he still wants there to be an "our" child. That he feels as though adoption talk means throwing in the towel...a towel he's still desperately clinging to. I told him how thankful I was that he shared that information with me. That it's much more comforting to hear that he has emotions and feelings about this whole process. I told him that he could have saved me a bunch of hurt by sharing those thoughts initially and those words conveyed his point much better than a shut up and eat your sandwhich.
And I have to agree....I still get a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach when I bring up adoption. It's a point I thought I'd never have to make peace with. But the reality is I can't fathom spending so much money on another possible failed IVF cycle. I'd rather put finances towards something that would hopefully allow us to have a child to love.
And that's when I got the opportunity to finish my thoughts with him about embryo adoption. Yes it totally freaks me out to possibly have to explain to a child later in life that yes, I gave birth to them but no they're not biologically ours. It sounds like a win-win situation. I would have the opportunity to be pregnant...but as selfish as it is, being pregnant DOES matter to me....we would have the opportunity to start at the earliest possible point of raising our baby the way we want. I could eat what I thought was good, see to it that the appropriate prenatal care was provided and maybe even play some classical music for a child growing inside me. And we could experience that moment of pure joy when welcoming a child into the world. I also bet there's less chance of a biological parent coming back into the picture. But these are all prelimary thoughts. I have no ideas about the cost, the process, or the reprocutions of embryo adoption.
If you know us in our real lives, please don't think we are by any means close to coming to a decision on how to expand our family. We still have that year left to pay off our debt and a lot can change in a year. And for you in this wonderful world of IF...what are your experiences/thoughts on embryo adoption? I know the ultimate decision rests on our shoulders and on our shoulders alone...but I thought in this very early stage of curiosity a little feedback wouldn't hurt. So fellow IFers....let's hear it!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Drowning
Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. Drowning in a pool of shadows, a puddle of despair. Drowning in a world of happy, unexpected, uneventful, perfect pregnancies...and it makes me want to throw up. Everywhere I turn I see round little basketball bellies...an ever present symbol of what I desperately want and can't have. I've been officially lapped. Friends have started to announce their second pregnancies. Once was painful...twice is unbearable.
I am not depressed. I still want to get out of bed. I still appreciate the small things. I am just tired. Tired of pretending that I'm okay with this life...my life...our life. Because I'm not. This sucks. Damnit, I did things right. I played by the rules. I found my soulmate. We dated for awhile. We waited until marriage to live together. We bought a house. Now where's our baby?
For all you readers out there thinking "No, be positive!" or "You're time will come!". I say bite me, with all do respect of course. Because I need a change...because I need to be a mother...because I never was a very good swimmer.
I am not depressed. I still want to get out of bed. I still appreciate the small things. I am just tired. Tired of pretending that I'm okay with this life...my life...our life. Because I'm not. This sucks. Damnit, I did things right. I played by the rules. I found my soulmate. We dated for awhile. We waited until marriage to live together. We bought a house. Now where's our baby?
For all you readers out there thinking "No, be positive!" or "You're time will come!". I say bite me, with all do respect of course. Because I need a change...because I need to be a mother...because I never was a very good swimmer.
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